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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 12 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

The bye weeks are officially over! Now we get to watch a full slate of shitty football each week.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 28)

1520 – Ferdinand Magellan Became the first European explorer to cross from the Atlantic to the Pacific. He was heard by crew members yelling, “I FOUND THE TAINT!” The “taint”, of course, was later renamed in his honor.

1954 – Enrico Fermi, the first man to create and control a nuclear chain reaction, and one of the Manhattan Project scientists, dies in Chicago. Fermi got his start in nuclear physics in a fit of frustration, when he gave up on trying to find the G-spot.

1994 – Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, serving 15 consecutive life sentences for the brutal murders of 15 men, is beaten to death by a fellow inmate while performing cleaning duty in a bathroom at the Columbia Correctional Institute gymnasium in Portage, Wisconsin.
Man, what a shitty way to go!

WHO’S HOT

Abused 14 year old girls in Alabama who help to get a senator elected. #SweetHomeAlabama

WHO’S NOT

I’ll give it to the Miami Dolphins. They have the third longest active losing streak, and I’m tired of pretending the Broncos and Browns are the only teams that suck balls.

YOU SAID IT

G&G – Motherfucker MIB cursed people don’t even come here anymore instead of me!

MIB – Classic! Sorry G&G, I was vacation last week. Fuck ewe.

Raji – Turkey 5 points
Stuffing 3 points
Dressing 3 points
gravy 4 points
sides 5 points
dessert 5 points
Atmosphere 3 points

Gundy assign points to each family in the above categories and then total the scores please

MIB – Fucking genius!

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

RankStreakTeamRecordComments
1W9Philadelphia Eagles10-1The Bears make everyone's shit smell good.
2W7Minnesota Vikings9-2The only thing better than turkey on Thanksgiving is playing the Lions.
3W7New England Patriots9-2It's like watching a favorite magician, we know you're cheating, we just haven't figured out how yet.
4W6Pittsburgh Steelers9-2Even ugly wins count.
5W4Carolina Panthers8-3Just remember, you lost to the fucking Bears.
6W1Los Angeles Rams8-3Cooper Kupp is just the latest example of white receivers excelling in Trump's America.
7L1New Orleans Saints8-3You like to see homos naked?
Cool, Man. Whatever.
8W3Atlanta Falcons7-4It's pretty special how Julio Jones can make Matt Ryan look like a decent quarterback.
9L1Jacksonville Jaguars7-4There are worse things than losing to the Cardinals. Not many, but a few.
10W1Tennessee Titans7-4It's kind of refreshing having the Colts twice a year.
11W1Seattle Seahawks7-4The thing I said to the Titans about the Colts...that goes for the 49ers too.
12L3Kansas City Chiefs6-5Well, you've certainly shit the bed..
13W2Baltimore Ravens6-5I wouldn't go getting all cocky. You're part of the reason the Bears still have a chance to sweep your division this year.
14L1Detroit Lions6-5I have no idea why the NFL has decided to torture us by making us watch your sorry asses every Thanksgiving. I'd rather shove a turkey drumstick up my ass and play in traffic.
15W1Los Angeles Chargers5-6Congratulations! I've awarded you the highest ranking of teams with losing records.
16W1Washington Redskins5-6Pretty impressive win against the Giants. Only 9 other teams have been able to do that this year.
17W1Buffalo Bills6-5I'm starting to think you benched Tyrod Taylor last week, so you would look like geniuses for starting him this week.
18W1Oakland Raiders5-6Being 5-6 is like dropping your cell phone in a porta john, but remembering you're in the AFC West is like fishing your hand in there and retrieving it and finding out it still works.
19L3Dallas Cowboys5-6Pathetic. You lose a running back and play like you lost Aaron Rodgers.
20W2Cincinnati Bengals5-6I predict your winning streak (vs. Broncos and Browns) ends at 2.
21W1Arizona Cardinals5-6Finally beat a decent team. I'm just not ready to bump your asses in the rankings yet.
22L2Green Bay Packers5-6I'm crossing my fingers that Rodgers comes back in time to save McCarthy and Capers their jobs.
23L1Tampa Bay Buccaneers4-7"...and then Julio Jones put on a condom with ghost pepper on it and bent us over and fucked us in our ass..."
24L2New York Jets4-7Pathetic!
Josh McCown is having a Pro Bowl year, and you still find ways to lose.
25L1Houston Texans4-7Injuries...Flukes...Wind!
26L5Miami Dolphins4-7Congrats on the losing streak! Keep up the good work!
27L4Chicago Bears3-8
28L7Denver Broncos3-8Congratulations on beings my Hoover Team of the Week!
29L2Indianapolis Colts3-8I sincerely hope you spend the rest of the week arguing with Bronco and Bears fans over who deserves to be the highest rated 3-8 team.
30L1New York Giants2-9Start spreading the news
You're team is gay.
I want to be a shart of it, New York, New York
Your shit covered shoes, they are longing to stray
And steps around the heart of it, New York, New York
31L1San Francisco 49ers1-10Cheer up fellas, you get the Bears this week.
32L11Cleveland Browns0-11