I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
Every year, there are thirty-two teams fighting for twelve playoff spots. With two weeks remaining in the season, that number has been reduced to twenty-one teams still in the hunt. That means there are eleven teams who are shit, and can either argue over who is the least stinky turd, or pack it in and grab a juicy draft spot.
In the AFC, three teams have already claimed a spot in the playoff by winning their division. That leaves nine teams fighting for three remaining spots. To be more accurate, three teams are fighting for one division, and nine teams are fighting for two wild card spots.
In the NFC, only the Arizona cardinals are assured of a playoff birth. Three teams are fighting for a division title or elimination, and six teams are struggling to fill the five remaining spots.
To put it another way, it’s fifteen minutes to closing time. Twelve guys are going to get laid, and the other nine will stagger home and jerk off to internet porn.
This Day in History
In 1964, Cooter McSpunkman applied for the first Fleshlight prototype. It weighed 700 pounds, and consumed enough energy to light two city blocks.
In 1980, Timothy “Stinky” Newman lit a fart at a high school dance, catching the hair of 33 female students on fire. No one was seriously injured, but Cleveland’s Cum Stain high school was closed for a week, until the smell of brunt hair could be removed.
In 2002, referees gathered in a dark, smoky room in Boston, and conspired to ensure the New England Patriots would win the Super bowl. Three days later, the “Tuck Rule” was born.
Who’s Hot
The New England Patriots, Indianapolis Colts, and Denver Broncos all secured there division titles.
Who’s Not
The Chicago Bears have officially shit the bed. It’s bad enough they’re getting their ass handed to them on the field, but apparently their chairman George McCaskey also took some lumps in the stands.
You Said It
Donny33 – Terrible Rankings
JJ – Yes, it’s like showering in warm piss.
Nardo – So, I’m the only one picking Buffalo? I love it!
JJ – Between your brass balls and my reverse jinx, we may have hit on something.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | New England Patriots | 11-3 | Broncos DE Terrance "Pot Roast" Knighton guaranteed a super bowl win. Tom Brady said, "Nuh uh!" Now them's some fightin' words. |
| 2 (3) | Denver Broncos | 11-3 | Guaranteeing a super bowl win, and winning the super bowl are two different things. |
| 3 (5) | Seattle Seahawks | 10-4 | Seahawks quarterback Russel Wilson was caught performing lewd acts on top of the space needle. News at 11. |
| 4 (4) | Indianapolis Colts | 10-4 | Apparently Andrew Luck has gotten into defenders heads by complimenting them for good taclkes. His mom is just as confused. According to Mrs. Luck, "Ryan beats the crap out of me if I burn his meatloaf". |
| 5 (1) | Green Bay Packers | 10-4 | Aaron Rodgers called his last game a "stinker". That should be all the proof we need that Olivia Munn is just a cover. |
| 6 (6) | Detroit Lions | 10-4 | You're going to disappoint millions of fans if you don't pull your annual choke job. |
| 7 (7) | Arizona Cardinals | 11-3 | Bruce Arians says the Cardinals aren't changing. He's plans to let Ryan Lindley "sling it". Nice! Now, who in the hell is Ryan Lindley? |
| 8 (9) | Dallas Cowboys | 10-4 | Rod Marinelli has pulled a rabbit out of his ass. |
| 9 (10) | Cincinnati Bengals | 9-4-1 | That tie doesn't seem so disappointing now. |
| 10 (11) | Baltimore Ravens | 9-5 | You can't tell me Ray Rice doesn't come up once in a while. |
| 11 (12) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 9-5 | You have to win. Your bandwagon is on pins and needles. |
| 12 (14) | Kansas City Chiefs | 8-6 | Bet you wish you could have do overs on the Tennessee and first Oakland games. |
| 13 (8) | Philadelphia Eagles | 9-5 | You hand out turnovers like the free clinic hands out condoms. |
| 14 (19) | Buffalo Bills | 8-6 | Too bad you didn't have the NFC North twice this year. |
| 15 (13) | San Diego Chargers | 8-6 | You're pretty much what everybody expected. |
| 16 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 6-8 | Hey, somebodies gotta win the division. |
| 17 (23) | Carolina Panthers | 5-8-1 | Turns out the "old lady" who T-boned Cam Newton was actually Ron Rivera. |
| 18 (16) | Miami Dolphins | 7-7 | You still have South Beach, cocaine, and Cuban cigars. |
| 19 (16) | St Louis Rams | 6-8 | You have the arch, a lively red light district, and looting in Ferguson. |
| 20 (17) | Houston Texans | 7-7 | Thad Lewis? I was sure JJ Watt would be your 3rd string QB. |
| 21 (18) | Minnesota Vikings | 6-8 | Toady Bilgewater looks like he could be the real deal. |
| 22 (20) | Cleveland Browns | 7-7 | Looks like Jonny Football's middle name is "College". |
| 23 (21) | San Francisco 49ers | 7-7 | Bears are wondering if you'd consider trading Harbaugh/Kaepernick for Trestman/Cutler. |
| 24 (26) | New York Giants | 5-9 | You're teetering on losing a top 10 draft pick. |
| 25 (22) | Atlanta Falcons | 5-9 | Talk about hard knocks. |
| 26 (28) | New York Jets | 3-11 | You can say you're better than the Titans. |
| 27 (25) | Chicago Bears | 5-9 | I'm just glad Hallas and Payton aren't around to see this crap. |
| 28 (27) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-12 | Banana flavored are my favorite Runts. |
| 29 (28) | Oakland Raiders | 2-12 | Snagging Harbaugh would be your biggest win this year. |
| 30 (30) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-12 | Crazy hoe Lovie is fired after a ten win season, but he's safe this year. |
| 31 (31) | Washington Redskins | 3-11 | RGIII still has three games to lower his trade value. |
| 32 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 2-12 | You need to check for blood in your stool. |