I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Big Deal – Buddy the Dog is to haircuts as MIB is to power rankings.
MIB – I’ll let the readers decide.
Happy Halloween!
Looks like it kicked off early with Robert Mueller handing out indictments like candy on Monday.
I see your all going dressed up as retarded pedophiles.
Me, I’ll be handing out candy, reeking of alcohol, and making parents terribly uncomfortable…just like last year.
Another week, and another chance for the NFL to confuse fans on exactly what constitutes a catch. I personally think the best solution would be just to have the receiver exit the game after a touchdown and keep a camera trained on them until the final second ticks off the clock, or, in a case like Zach Miller, until they wake up from surgery.
Something needs to give. There’s nothing worse than watching officials deciding games based on an obviously flawed rule.
Oh, and whatever you decide, you’d better do it quick. Donny and I would hate to miss the Trump impeachment hearings.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 25)
1861 – Citing failing health, General Winfield Scott, commander of the Union forces, retires from service. He weighed over 300 pounds, suffered from gout and rheumatism, and was unable to mount a horse. Oddly enough, he was still able to mount your mother.
1926 – Harry Houdini, the most celebrated magician and escape artist of the 20th century, dies of peritonitis in a Detroit hospital. Rumor is his last words were, “At least I didn’t play for the Lions.”
1950 – 21-year-old Earl Lloyd becomes the first African-American to play in an NBA game when he takes the court in the season opener for the Washington Capitols. This was simply because, up until that point, whites were just better at basketball than blacks. This had nothing to do with racism.
WHO’S HOT
THE Philadelphia eagles are on a 6 game winning streak. The fans are enjoying this more than dropping a warm cheese steak in their lap.
WHO’S NOT
The 49ers and the Browns are battling for the #1 overall pick in next years draft, and the funny thing is, the Browns suck so bad, they will get it if both teams end up 0-16.
YOU SAID IT
Sgunderson17 – Sometimes I wonder about the scientific evidence behind evolution. And then I see MIB’s rankings and it completely reaffirms how things can completely miss a rung on the evolutionary ladder.
MIB – Sure, I can see how it might make you feel better about yourself to take a shot at me, but maybe you should look in the mirror, Mr. Buttface Penishead!
Cheaky Bastard – Vikings too high
MIB – Poor, dear Ethan, you were our one last shot at a rational Lions fan. RIPIP, mah man.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Streak | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | W6 | Philadelphia Eagles | 7-1 | Way too early, but it's kind of fun to imagine the Eagles meeting up with Andy Reid and the Chiefs in the Superbowl. |
| 2 | W3 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-2 | It must be fun to witness what a dumpster fire the Lions are first hand. |
| 3 | W4 | Minnesota Vikings | 6-2 | I bangered and mashed your mothers while you were in London. |
| 4 | W4 | New England Patriots | 6-2 | You literally have no backup for Tom Brady, and Belichick literally gives zero fucks. |
| 5 | Bye W2 | Los Angles Rams | 5-2 | Hope you enjoyed your bye week. Should get a second bye with the Giants coming up. |
| 6 | W1 | Kansas City Chiefs | 6-2 | Nice win. Looking forward to next week when the Kansas City Queefs take on the Phallus Cowboys. |
| 7 | W5 | New Orleans Saints | 5-2 | If it weren't for the refs and the wind and the flukes, you jerks would have lost to the Bears. |
| 8 | W2 | Buffalo Bills | 5-2 | I don't trust you. You're the Detroit Lions of the AFCE. |
| 9 | W4 | Seattle Seahawks | 5-2 | Another god damned team that wins just to piss me off. |
| 10 | W1 | Atlanta Falcons | 4-3 | Last year you're in the Superbowl, and this year you're looking up the Saints and the Panthers dresses at the eighth grade dance. |
| 11 | Bye W2 | Tennessee Titans | 4-3 | The bye is almost like a third win for you. Time to get back out there and suck. |
| 12 | Bye W1 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 4-3 | I know your division sucks, but you have a chance to win it this year. Don't fuck it up. |
| 13 | W2 | Dallas Cowboys | 4-3 | Jerry Jones just played the Ray Rice card. Classy. |
| 14 | W1 | Carolina Panthers | 5-3 | You know it's a good week when Cam Newton doesn't storm out of a press conference like a whiny little bitch. |
| 15 | W1 | Baltimore Ravens | 4-4 | You should consider using Matt Moore more often. |
| 16 | L1 | Miami Dolphins | 4-3 | You should consider using Matt Moore less often. |
| 17 | W1 | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-4 | Squeaking past the Colts isn't exactly righting the ship, but hey, whatever. |
| 18 | L2 | Washington Redskins | 3-4 | You might want to stress the importance of winning games within your division. Mkay? |
| 19 | L1 | Houston Texans | 3-4 | I guess that's what happens when the inmates don't play defense. |
| 20 | Bye L2 | Green Bay packers | 4-3 | Looking forward to week two of "Are the Packers Just the Browns Without Aaron Rodgers". |
| 21 | L1 | Los Angles Chargers | 3-5 | Think of it as being the second best team in California. That sounds better than the shittiest team in Los Angles. |
| 22 | L1 | Chicago Bears | 3-5 | RIPIP Zach Miller. You got robbed, son. |
| 23 | L1 | Oakland Raiders | 3-5 | I was always told California Carrs don't have rust. |
| 24 | L3 | Denver Broncos | 3-4 | You've become really good at sucking. |
| 25 | L3 | Detroit Lions | 3-4 | The Lions spent $21, 770 per Matt Prater field goal on Sunday. Still quite a bargain when you consider it cost them $1,031,250 to have Mathew Stafford put up exactly zero points. |
| 26 | Bye L1 | Arizona Cardinals | 3-4 | I hope you took time out during your bye to think about what you're doing to you asshat fans. |
| 27 | L3 | New York Jets | 3-5 | You're deep fried shit on a stick. |
| 28 | L4 | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-5 | If you guys lose five in a row, I promise to move you past the Colts. |
| 29 | L3 | Indianapolis Colts | 2-6 | Even at your best, you guys blow turds. |
| 30 | Bye L1 | New York Giants | 1-6 | I hope your bye was long enough for Eli to recover from being a sucky quarterback. |
| 31 | L8 | Cleveland Browns | 0-8 | Congratulations, it's your turn at 31. |
| 32 | L8 | San Francisco 49ers | 0-8 | Your turn at 32. |