I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Well, this morning absolutely sucked. When I got in my Trailblazer to come in to work, it refused to start. Nothing a few weeks and a couple hundred dollars can’t fix, right? Anyway, after that, I had to take my truck to work, which happened to be parked in front of the Trailblazer. As I turned into the yard to get it around the Trailblazer, I hit a basketball post and put a nice dent in the side. For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what it must be like to wake up every morning as a Cleveland Browns fan.
Thank god I’m not a Packer fan. I could have woken up to the realization that the Aaron Rodgerless Packers just made the fucking Detroit Lions, who were coming off of three consecutive disastrous losses, look like Superbowl contenders…IN LAMBEAU. Whew, what a fuck fest.
Step off the ledge Packer fans. You could be the Giants sitting at 1-7 and thinking about benching your two time Superbowl MVP quarterback.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 25)
1940 – Tacoma Narrows Bridge in Washington State suffers a spectacular collapse only four months after its completion. High winds exposed a weakness in the engineering. Fortunately, only a dog was killed. This is very similar to the collapse of the Green Bay Packers when Aaron Rodgers collarbone snapped, exposing just how poorly they’re constructed. Unfortunately, in the case of the Packers, an entire fan base of entitled pricks was destroyed.
1944 – On this day in 1944, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt is elected to an unprecedented fourth term in office. Roosevelt served as president from 1933 until his death in 1945, shepherding the United States out of the great depression and through World War II. Now we have Donald Trump, who wants to grab your mom by her great depression and lead us into World War III.
1991 – Basketball legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson stuns the world by announcing his sudden retirement from the Los Angeles Lakers, after testing positive for HIV. Overnight, AIDS went from God’s plague sent to wipe out the gays, to the cool man’s STD.
WHO’S HOT
The Rams, titans, and jaguars are all leading/sharing the lead in their division. Let that sink in.
WHO’S NOT
There are 19 teams at .500 or below. There is plenty of suck to go around.
YOU SAID IT
Thenichels – So the Panthers have thrown in the towel. I guess the NFCS comes down to the Falcons and Saints now.
MIB – This is obviously a thinly veiled attempt to prop up your Saints, but your take on the Falcons and Panthers is so bad, it’s hard to imagine you successfully tying your shoes in the morning.
Big Deal – With improvement, the Saints D will get better. However, if there is no improvement, they’ll likely remain where they are, assuming there is no improvement or deprovement across the league. Any dip in quality will cause them to drop, per statistics.
MIB – Spot on analysis. I couldn’t have explained this to Donny any better. Well done!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Streak | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | W7 | Philadelphia Eagles | 8-1 | The NFL could make a killing if they instituted a lottery for reporters and analysts to suck Carson Wentz dick. |
| 2 | Bye W3 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-2 | Hopefully the bye week gave you enough time to revive the carcass of Big Ben's arm. |
| 3 | Bye W4 | Minnesota Vikings | 6-2 | Living proof that the quarterback position is overrated. |
| 4 | Bye W4 | New England Patriots | 6-2 | Janeane Garofalo sucks. I have no idea how you conned the 49ers into signing that ugly bitch. |
| 5 | W3 | Los Angles Rams | 6-2 | Oh look, he went to Jared! |
| 6 | W6 | New Orleans Saints | 6-2 | Give it up. Donny says you guys are hacks. |
| 7 | L1 | Kansas City Chiefs | 6-3 | For everybody's sexy pick as best team in the league, you sure have a fucky way of showing it. |
| 8 | W3 | Tennessee Titans | 5-3 | You put the 'rank" in my rankings. |
| 9 | W2 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 5-3 | Careful, you could get a nose bleed way up here in the rankings. Just be patient, it won't last long. |
| 10 | W3 | Dallas Cowboys | 5-3 | you typify everything that is wrong in America and the NFL. When the NFL finally enforces Ezekiel Elliott's suspension, our spirits will be lifted and our faith restored. |
| 11 | W2 | Carolina Panthers | 6-3 | I'mma give you a one week pass. Thanks for the lulz on the Falcons. |
| 12 | L1 | Buffalo Bills | 5-3 | I nailed it when I pegged you as the Lions of the AFCE. |
| 13 | L1 | Seattle Seahawks | 5-3 | You're the Seahawks of the NFCW. Get it? Me either. Whatever, you suck balls. |
| 14 | L1 | Atlanta Falcons | 4-4 | Ha-fucking-Ha-Ha, Ha-fucking-Ha-Ha, Ha-fucking -Ha-Ha-Ha! |
| 15 | W1 | Washington Redskins | 4-4 | Dope road win, bitches. Time to go home and lose one, so your fans don't forget who you really are. |
| 16 | W1 | Oakland Raiders | 4-5 | What did the lesbian say to the Raiders fan? Ha! Trick question. The lesbian was the Raiders fan! |
| 17 | W1 | Detroit Lions | 4-4 | You lucky bastards get to play the Browns next. That's like playing the Packers without Aaron Rodgers two weeks in a row. |
| 18 | L1 | Baltimore Ravens | 4-5 | Maryland is not a real state. ipso facto, you're not a real football team. |
| 19 | L2 | Miami Dolphins | 4-4 | If you waste a "good Jay" performance like that, you're in a world of shit. |
| 20 | W1 | Arizona Cardinals. | 4-4 | You've beaten the Colt, the Bucs, and the 49ers twice. Methinks you're ranked too high. |
| 21 | Bye L1 | Los Angles Chargers | 3-5 | Can't wait to see you again after the bye. It kind of makes me want to do spend Sunday doing a wedding video marathon. |
| 22 | Bye L1 | Chicago Bears | 3-5 | You have the Packers and Lions at home. Try to eek out a win before you head out to Philly and get curb stomped by the Eagles. |
| 23 | W1 | New York Jets | 4-5 | GREAT WIN! I think that put s you fourth in your division. |
| 24 | L1 | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-5 | With the Ravens sucking and the Browns being the Browns, you're kike the malnourished, retard child in the division I keep forgetting to feed. |
| 25 | L2 | Houston Texans | 3-5 | Houston, you have a knoblem. That is to say, you have a blemish on your knob. |
| 26 | L3 | Green Bay Packers | 4-4 | Time to see if that Alfred E Newman looking motherfucker, Mark Murphy has the balls to clean house. As a Bears fan, I'm hoping not. |
| 27 | L4 | Denver Broncos | 3-5 | O-ooh Flaccid is the color of your energy... |
| 28 | W1 | Indianapolis Colts | 3-6 | Nice win. It's like picking your nose and finding that perfect booger. A little crunchy, a little gooey, and just the right amount of salt. |
| 29 | L5 | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-6 | It has to be frustrating to suck as bad as you do, and still be holding the 4th overall draft pick. |
| 30 | L2 | New York Giants | 1-7 | Eli, Eli likes his money He makes a lot they say Spends his days counting As he sits the bench and watches you play. |
| 31 | Bye L8 | Cleveland Browns | 0-8 | Your a shit sandwich with a dash of Ebola. |
| 32 | L9 | San Francisco 49ers | 0-9 | Nothing like punching your fans in the nuts every Sunday. |