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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 9 NFL Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Well, this morning absolutely sucked. When I got in my Trailblazer to come in to work, it refused to start. Nothing a few weeks and a couple hundred dollars can’t fix, right? Anyway, after that, I had to take my truck to work, which happened to be parked in front of the Trailblazer. As I turned into the yard to get it around the Trailblazer, I hit a basketball post and put a nice dent in the side. For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what it must be like to wake up every morning as a Cleveland Browns fan.

Thank god I’m not a Packer fan. I could have woken up to the realization that the Aaron Rodgerless Packers just made the fucking Detroit Lions, who were coming off of three consecutive disastrous losses, look like Superbowl contenders…IN LAMBEAU. Whew, what a fuck fest.

Step off the ledge Packer fans. You could be the Giants sitting at 1-7 and thinking about benching your two time Superbowl MVP quarterback.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 25)

1940 – Tacoma Narrows Bridge in Washington State suffers a spectacular collapse only four months after its completion. High winds exposed a weakness in the engineering. Fortunately, only a dog was killed. This is very similar to the collapse of the Green Bay Packers when Aaron Rodgers collarbone snapped, exposing just how poorly they’re constructed. Unfortunately, in the case of the Packers, an entire fan base of entitled pricks was destroyed.

1944 – On this day in 1944, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt is elected to an unprecedented fourth term in office. Roosevelt served as president from 1933 until his death in 1945, shepherding the United States out of the great depression and through World War II. Now we have Donald Trump, who wants to grab your mom by her great depression and lead us into World War III.

1991 – Basketball legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson stuns the world by announcing his sudden retirement from the Los Angeles Lakers, after testing positive for HIV. Overnight, AIDS went from God’s plague sent to wipe out the gays, to the cool man’s STD.

WHO’S HOT

The Rams, titans, and jaguars are all leading/sharing the lead in their division. Let that sink in.

WHO’S NOT

There are 19 teams at .500 or below. There is plenty of suck to go around.

YOU SAID IT

Thenichels – So the Panthers have thrown in the towel. I guess the NFCS comes down to the Falcons and Saints now.

MIB – This is obviously a thinly veiled attempt to prop up your Saints, but your take on the Falcons and Panthers is so bad, it’s hard to imagine you successfully tying your shoes in the morning.

Big Deal – With improvement, the Saints D will get better. However, if there is no improvement, they’ll likely remain where they are, assuming there is no improvement or deprovement across the league. Any dip in quality will cause them to drop, per statistics.

MIB – Spot on analysis. I couldn’t have explained this to Donny any better. Well done!

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

RankStreakTeamRecordComments
1W7Philadelphia Eagles8-1The NFL could make a killing if they instituted a lottery for reporters and analysts to suck Carson Wentz dick.
2Bye
W3
Pittsburgh Steelers6-2Hopefully the bye week gave you enough time to revive the carcass of Big Ben's arm.
3Bye
W4
Minnesota Vikings6-2Living proof that the quarterback position is overrated.
4Bye
W4
New England Patriots6-2Janeane Garofalo sucks. I have no idea how you conned the 49ers into signing that ugly bitch.
5W3Los Angles Rams6-2Oh look, he went to Jared!
6W6New Orleans Saints6-2Give it up. Donny says you guys are hacks.
7L1Kansas City Chiefs6-3For everybody's sexy pick as best team in the league, you sure have a fucky way of showing it.
8W3Tennessee Titans5-3You put the 'rank" in my rankings.
9W2Jacksonville Jaguars5-3Careful, you could get a nose bleed way up here in the rankings. Just be patient, it won't last long.
10W3Dallas Cowboys5-3you typify everything that is wrong in America and the NFL. When the NFL finally enforces Ezekiel Elliott's suspension, our spirits will be lifted and our faith restored.
11W2Carolina Panthers6-3I'mma give you a one week pass. Thanks for the lulz on the Falcons.
12L1Buffalo Bills5-3I nailed it when I pegged you as the Lions of the AFCE.
13L1Seattle Seahawks5-3You're the Seahawks of the NFCW.
Get it?
Me either.
Whatever, you suck balls.
14L1Atlanta Falcons4-4Ha-fucking-Ha-Ha,
Ha-fucking-Ha-Ha,
Ha-fucking -Ha-Ha-Ha!
15W1Washington Redskins4-4Dope road win, bitches. Time to go home and lose one, so your fans don't forget who you really are.
16W1Oakland Raiders4-5What did the lesbian say to the Raiders fan?
Ha! Trick question. The lesbian was the Raiders fan!
17W1Detroit Lions4-4You lucky bastards get to play the Browns next. That's like playing the Packers without Aaron Rodgers two weeks in a row.
18L1Baltimore Ravens4-5Maryland is not a real state. ipso facto, you're not a real football team.
19L2Miami Dolphins4-4If you waste a "good Jay" performance like that, you're in a world of shit.
20W1Arizona Cardinals.4-4You've beaten the Colt, the Bucs, and the 49ers twice. Methinks you're ranked too high.
21Bye
L1
Los Angles Chargers3-5Can't wait to see you again after the bye. It kind of makes me want to do spend Sunday doing a wedding video marathon.
22Bye
L1
Chicago Bears3-5You have the Packers and Lions at home. Try to eek out a win before you head out to Philly and get curb stomped by the Eagles.
23W1New York Jets4-5GREAT WIN!
I think that put s you fourth in your division.
24L1Cincinnati Bengals3-5With the Ravens sucking and the Browns being the Browns, you're kike the malnourished, retard child in the division I keep forgetting to feed.
25L2Houston Texans3-5Houston, you have a knoblem.
That is to say, you have a blemish on your knob.
26L3Green Bay Packers4-4Time to see if that Alfred E Newman looking motherfucker, Mark Murphy has the balls to clean house. As a Bears fan, I'm hoping not.
27L4Denver Broncos3-5O-ooh
Flaccid is the color of your energy...
28W1Indianapolis Colts3-6Nice win. It's like picking your nose and finding that perfect booger. A little crunchy, a little gooey, and just the right amount of salt.
29L5Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-6It has to be frustrating to suck as bad as you do, and still be holding the 4th overall draft pick.
30L2New York Giants1-7Eli, Eli likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spends his days counting
As he sits the bench
and watches you play.
31Bye
L8
Cleveland Browns0-8Your a shit sandwich with a dash of Ebola.
32L9San Francisco 49ers0-9Nothing like punching your fans in the nuts every Sunday.