I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Another year is upon us, and everyone is wearing their homer goggles and having wet dreams climaxing over their teams untapped and underappreciated roster. Most fan bases will make it through September with stars in their eyes, and the ability to still get it up without a supplement. They will convince themselves that their favorite team still has a chance, because, let’s be honest, most fan bases are littered with fucking morons. By the end of October, half of those fans will be screaming for their backup QB and demanding the head coach be fired, gutted, and fed to rats in the town square.
To be fair, football isn’t science. It’s a team sport, and a thousand factors can affect a team’s ultimate success or demise. Coaching, health, and the immergence of new stars can significantly impact a team’s performance. Ultimately, it comes down to the players on the field. Talent, sure, but often times its things that can’t be measured; instinct, heart, desire.
Power rankings are not a science either. For lack of a better term, they are complete and utter horseshit. Bulletin board material hung at the water cooler. I get no joy (a little) in dashing your hopes. There is no pleasure (some) in twisting this cruel knife. There is very little satisfaction (ROTFLMFAO) in seeing your painful reactions.
I simply do this out of a sense of duty to God, country, and my late, and sadly missed mentor, Cocksnort Periwinkle III. RIPIP old friend.
You’ve waited long enough. Here you go, cunts.
Time to Rank ’em and Spank ’em
| Rank | Team | Comments |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | New England Patriots | Fuck you |
| 2 | Los Angles Rams | Fuck your sister |
| 3 | Kansas City Cheifs | Fuck your mother |
| 4 | New Orleans Saints | Fuck you dog |
| 5 | Philadelphia Eagles | Fuck your mom's dog |
| 6 | Chicago Bears | Superbowl LIV champs |
| 7 | Los Angles Chargers | Eat shit |
| 8 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Suck a turd |
| 9 | Seattle Seahawks | Lick my Butt |
| 10 | Dallas Cowboys | Lick his butt |
| 11 | Minnesota Vikings | Lick your butt |
| 12 | Baltimore Ravens | Slam your dick in a drawer |
| 13 | Houston Texans | poke your eye out with a dry turd |
| 14 | Cleveland Browns | Pull your lip over your head a swallow |
| 15 | Green Bay packers | Tongue punch my fart box |
| 16 | Atlanta Falcons | KYS |
| 17 | Jacksonville Jaguars | DYA |
| 18 | Carolina Panthers | Die already |
| 19 | Tennessee Titans | Eat boogers |
| 20 | Denver Broncos | Smoke a pole |
| 21 | New York Jets | Finger bang your cousin |
| 22 | Buffalo Bills | Tie your tubes |
| 23 | Indianapolis Colts | Get snipped |
| 24 | Detroit Lions | Flush your load |
| 25 | San Francisco 49ers | Smile |
| 26 | New York Giants | Stop smiling, you look like a retard |
| 27 | Oakland Raiders | cup your balls and cough |
| 28 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Eat Ebola cupcakes |
| 29 | Washington Redskins | Don't vaccinate your kids |
| 30 | Cincinnati Bengals | Bend over |
| 31 | Arizona Cardinals | Shove your head up your ass |
| 32 | Miami Dolphins | How's the view? |