His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson.
An eventful week in the NFL saw a number of contenders lose, the NFC Playoff picture only get foggier, and the Detroit Lions make it into the top five. What.The.Fuck. Here’s some rankings.
| RANK | TEAM | HAWT TAEK |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | New England Patriots | Back on top of the most important list in the world. |
| 2 | Kansas City Chiefs | Is Andy Reid going to get back to the Super Bowl? |
| 3 | Dallas Cowboys | Last week I asked: was the Minnesota game a sign of the Cowboys coming back to earth? I think maybe yes. Down year bro. |
| 4 | Oakland Raiders | No big shame losing to Andy Reid. Dude's a genius. |
| 5 | Detroit Lions | I honestly cannot fucking believe this shit. |
| 6 | New York Giants | It might be PTSD, but I am starting to think this team will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. |
| 7 | Atlanta Falcons | If they maintain this pace, this is the 8th most prolific offense of all time. Does MVP Matty Ice have three more games to seal the deal? |
| 8 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Just when I thought they were out... they like aren't out anymore. |
| 9 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | They seem legit now. So I anticipate they get face-humped by the Cowboys. |
| 10 | Baltimore Ravens | Put up a strong effort after a slow start, on the road, against the team on the top. I can't penalize them much. Plus... |
| 11 | Seattle Seahawks | I really wanted to rank Seattle outside the top ten. |
| 12 | Houston Texans | Back to beating in-division opponents, and it feels so good. |
| 13 | Miami Dolphins | Just when this was getting fun, they lose their quarterback. |
| 14 | Green Bay Packers | The first team to beat Seattle by more than 10 points in almost 6 years. Running the table never felt so good. |
| 15 | Denver Broncos | They are not out of the running by any means, but things are looking rough for the defending champs. |
| 16 | Washington Redskins | A win keeps them in the playoff picture for another week. |
| 17 | Tennessee Titans | The team continues to show signs of life. The future is bright in Tennessee. |
| 18 | Minnesota Vikings | I guess the Packers will have to deal with them as a real wild card contender after all. |
| 19 | Arizona Cardinals | Cross them off the playoff contender list. |
| 20 | Buffalo Bills | Likewise. Its ova. Done. Finished. |
| 21 | Cincinnati Bengals | Perennial playoff losers. Not to worry this year. DONE. |
| 22 | Indianapolis Colts | Congrats on being in the AFC South and thus not unofficially out of the playoffs. |
| 23 | New Orleans Saints | Trade Breesus for the good of all. Doneso. No playoffs for you. |
| 24 | Philadelphia Eagles | Remember when you were a contender? This week it is unofficially official. Count them out. |
| 25 | Carolina Panthers | As with the others above, can theoretically get in the playoffs, but this is the week we all know they are done. |
| 26 | San Diego Chargers | Rivers sucks now. This is a team that will also not make the playoffs. |
| 27 | Los Angeles Rams | The best of the officially eliminated teams. |
| 28 | New York Jets | You can beat the Niners. CONGRATS |
| 29 | Chicago Bears | Thanks for all your help, fucksticks. |
| 30 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Gabbert: done? |
| 31 | San Fransisco 49ers | Chip Smelly, amirite? |
| 32 | Cleveland Browns | 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! |