PROCTOLOGISTICS
The bye weeks are officially over! Now we get to watch a full slate of shitty football each week.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 28)
1520 – Ferdinand Magellan Became the first European explorer to cross from the Atlantic to the Pacific. He was heard by crew members yelling, “I FOUND THE TAINT!” The “taint”, of course, was later renamed in his honor.
1954 – Enrico Fermi, the first man to create and control a nuclear chain reaction, and one of the Manhattan Project scientists, dies in Chicago. Fermi got his start in nuclear physics in a fit of frustration, when he gave up on trying to find the G-spot.
1994 – Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, serving 15 consecutive life sentences for the brutal murders of 15 men, is beaten to death by a fellow inmate while performing cleaning duty in a bathroom at the Columbia Correctional Institute gymnasium in Portage, Wisconsin.
Man, what a shitty way to go!
WHO’S HOT
Abused 14 year old girls in Alabama who help to get a senator elected. #SweetHomeAlabama
WHO’S NOT
I’ll give it to the Miami Dolphins. They have the third longest active losing streak, and I’m tired of pretending the Broncos and Browns are the only teams that suck balls.
YOU SAID IT
G&G – Motherfucker MIB cursed people don’t even come here anymore instead of me!
MIB – Classic! Sorry G&G, I was vacation last week. Fuck ewe.
Raji – Turkey 5 points
Stuffing 3 points
Dressing 3 points
gravy 4 points
sides 5 points
dessert 5 points
Atmosphere 3 points
Gundy assign points to each family in the above categories and then total the scores please
MIB – Fucking genius!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Streak | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | W9 | Philadelphia Eagles | 10-1 | The Bears make everyone's shit smell good. |
| 2 | W7 | Minnesota Vikings | 9-2 | The only thing better than turkey on Thanksgiving is playing the Lions. |
| 3 | W7 | New England Patriots | 9-2 | It's like watching a favorite magician, we know you're cheating, we just haven't figured out how yet. |
| 4 | W6 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 9-2 | Even ugly wins count. |
| 5 | W4 | Carolina Panthers | 8-3 | Just remember, you lost to the fucking Bears. |
| 6 | W1 | Los Angeles Rams | 8-3 | Cooper Kupp is just the latest example of white receivers excelling in Trump's America. |
| 7 | L1 | New Orleans Saints | 8-3 | You like to see homos naked? Cool, Man. Whatever. |
| 8 | W3 | Atlanta Falcons | 7-4 | It's pretty special how Julio Jones can make Matt Ryan look like a decent quarterback. |
| 9 | L1 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 7-4 | There are worse things than losing to the Cardinals. Not many, but a few. |
| 10 | W1 | Tennessee Titans | 7-4 | It's kind of refreshing having the Colts twice a year. |
| 11 | W1 | Seattle Seahawks | 7-4 | The thing I said to the Titans about the Colts...that goes for the 49ers too. |
| 12 | L3 | Kansas City Chiefs | 6-5 | Well, you've certainly shit the bed.. |
| 13 | W2 | Baltimore Ravens | 6-5 | I wouldn't go getting all cocky. You're part of the reason the Bears still have a chance to sweep your division this year. |
| 14 | L1 | Detroit Lions | 6-5 | I have no idea why the NFL has decided to torture us by making us watch your sorry asses every Thanksgiving. I'd rather shove a turkey drumstick up my ass and play in traffic. |
| 15 | W1 | Los Angeles Chargers | 5-6 | Congratulations! I've awarded you the highest ranking of teams with losing records. |
| 16 | W1 | Washington Redskins | 5-6 | Pretty impressive win against the Giants. Only 9 other teams have been able to do that this year. |
| 17 | W1 | Buffalo Bills | 6-5 | I'm starting to think you benched Tyrod Taylor last week, so you would look like geniuses for starting him this week. |
| 18 | W1 | Oakland Raiders | 5-6 | Being 5-6 is like dropping your cell phone in a porta john, but remembering you're in the AFC West is like fishing your hand in there and retrieving it and finding out it still works. |
| 19 | L3 | Dallas Cowboys | 5-6 | Pathetic. You lose a running back and play like you lost Aaron Rodgers. |
| 20 | W2 | Cincinnati Bengals | 5-6 | I predict your winning streak (vs. Broncos and Browns) ends at 2. |
| 21 | W1 | Arizona Cardinals | 5-6 | Finally beat a decent team. I'm just not ready to bump your asses in the rankings yet. |
| 22 | L2 | Green Bay Packers | 5-6 | I'm crossing my fingers that Rodgers comes back in time to save McCarthy and Capers their jobs. |
| 23 | L1 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 4-7 | "...and then Julio Jones put on a condom with ghost pepper on it and bent us over and fucked us in our ass..." |
| 24 | L2 | New York Jets | 4-7 | Pathetic! Josh McCown is having a Pro Bowl year, and you still find ways to lose. |
| 25 | L1 | Houston Texans | 4-7 | Injuries...Flukes...Wind! |
| 26 | L5 | Miami Dolphins | 4-7 | Congrats on the losing streak! Keep up the good work! |
| 27 | L4 | Chicago Bears | 3-8 |  |
| 28 | L7 | Denver Broncos | 3-8 | Congratulations on beings my Hoover Team of the Week! |
| 29 | L2 | Indianapolis Colts | 3-8 | I sincerely hope you spend the rest of the week arguing with Bronco and Bears fans over who deserves to be the highest rated 3-8 team. |
| 30 | L1 | New York Giants | 2-9 | Start spreading the news You're team is gay. I want to be a shart of it, New York, New York Your shit covered shoes, they are longing to stray And steps around the heart of it, New York, New York |
| 31 | L1 | San Francisco 49ers | 1-10 | Cheer up fellas, you get the Bears this week. |
| 32 | L11 | Cleveland Browns | 0-11 |  |