PROCTOLOGISTICS
How can I put this? The first four weeks of football are like high school sex.
1. Big build up followed by huge letdown: Baltimore Ravens
2. Awkward fumbling for the tasty bits: Cowboys vs. Eagles
3. Wow! Greatest thing EVER!The rest of my life, I’ll be shitting rainbows! : Packers.
4. “Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you.”: Saints
5. How much do I owe you?: Falcons
I hate the new CBA. The first four weeks are teams practicing to make up for all the practice they missed out on. I can guarantee you, there are 0-2 teams who are not in the trouble it looks like, and there are 2-0 teams who are hot garbage.
WEEK TWO RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
After two weeks, The results based on rankings are 21-11. That would be leading the FYS Pick ’em challenge. Since I am too stupid to take my own advice, I am not leading that challenge.
So, here’s this weeks predictions.
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| New York Giants (H) | Washington |
| Dallas (H) | Atlanta |
| Indianapolis | Tennessee (H) |
| Oakland | Cleveland (H) |
| Cincinnati | Baltimore (H) |
| New England (H) | Jacksonville |
| Carolina (H) | New Orleans |
| New York Jets (H) | Philadelphia |
| Houston (H) | Tampa |
| Minnesota (H) | San Diego |
| Pittsburgh | St Louis (H) |
| Arizona (H) | San Francisco |
| Miami (H) | Buffalo |
| Seattle (H) | Chicago |
| Denver | Detroit (H) |
| Green Bay (H) | Kansas City |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 23)
1303 – Ragnar negotiated his first contract. He got sex once a week with the best gatherer in the tribe and second row seating at the evening fire.
1776 – Something really important that our current elected officials don’t remember either.
1964 – John Jedlicka turned 7 months and 6 days old, and ranked his birth as, Meh.
WHO’S HOT
Check this shit out. This weeks winners: Redskins, Jaguars, Raiders, Buccaneers, and Browns.
WHO’S NOT
Check this shit out. This weeks losers: Currently all 0-2, Seattle, New Orleans, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Indianapolis. Something has to give.
YOU SAID IT
DanOnWis23 – Bears too high (now I’ll go read it).
JJ – I couldn’t agree with you more completely!
DanOnWis23 – Looking like New Orleans and Indy are the best plays for eliminator – not much better than last week in terms of good home teams against inferior road teams.
JJ – I can’t believe I ever agreed with this moron!
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 2-0 | "Hi, my name is Bill Belichick, and I'm a cheataholic." "HI, BILL!" |
| 2 (2) | Green Bay Packers | 2-0 | Aaron Rodgers: 1. Hates cancer patients 2. Takes God's name in vane 3. Covers the fact that he's gay by dating a super hot chick OK, I have to admit, that third one's pretty cool. |
| 3 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 2-0 | Bruce Arians lost a job to Marc Trestman. Just saying. |
| 4 (6) | Cincinnati Bengals | 2-0 | Congratulations on another great regular season. |
| 5 (3) | Denver Broncos | 2-0 | Sometimes poop floats. |
| 6 (11) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 1-1 | Congratulations. The Suckieness of the suckatude above you, has sucked you up the rankings. |
| 7 (4) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-0 | Your ranking reflects my confidence in Jason Garrett and Brandon Weeden. |
| 8 (7) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-1 | At least you didn't lose to a divisional opponent at home. Oh, wait... |
| 9 (8) | Miami Dolphins | 1-1 | "I DO WHAT I WANT!" - N. Suh You should be in good shape now that Suh has gone rogue. |
| 10 (9) | Seattle Seahawks | 0-2 | "OMG! You're going to believe instant replay over me?!" - Pete Carroll |
| 11 (16) | Carolina Panthers | 2-0 | Enjoy it while it lasts. |
| 12 (18) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-1 | AP looked good. Is he running from some new charges? |
| 13 (23) | New York Jets | 2-0 | GAH! I may have to move you assholes up again. |
| 14 (12) | Baltimore Ravens | 0-2 | You're trying to make me learn the name of the Raiders coach ahead of schedule. |
| 15 (14) | San Diego Chargers | 1-1 | Phillip will be Phillip. |
| 16 (15) | Buffalo Bills | 1-1 | AI expect improvement once everyone buys into Rex's new foot hygiene program. |
| 17 (23) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-0 | If your erection lasts more than four weeks, consult a physician. |
| 18 (17) | St Louis Rams | 1-1 | I didn't see the game, but my guess is that your offense resembles a throw rug. |
| 19 (10) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-2 | Luck is on pace for 24 TDs and 40 interceptions. |
| 20 (20) | Houston Texans | 0-2 | I'll chalk your last loss up to distraction. You probably spent the whole game thinking, "Fig Newtons are delicious!" |
| 21 (19) | Detroit Lions | 0-2 | Ways to disappoint fans: 121. 122. One and done in the playoffs - check 123. Get up 21-3 and blow lead - check 124. Suck in general - check |
| 22 (21) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-1 | Ben really raped you guys. |
| 23 (28) | Oakland raiders | 1-1 | I still have 6 weeks to figure out who your head coach is. I'm working on it. |
| 24 (29) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-1 | DO NOT MAKE ME PAY ATTENTION TO YOU! |
| 25 (30) | Cleveland browns | 1-1 | You're an inspiration to the city of Detroit. |
| 26 (31) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-1 | Lovie hype turns into Lovie hope. |
| 27 (25) | New York Giants | 0-2 | Last week you snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. This week, you just looked like snach. |
| 28 (32) | Washington Redskins | 1-1 | Resist the urge to suck off the coach. It won't even get you a parking spot. TRUST ME! |
| 29 (13) | Philadelphia Eagles | 0-2 | I tried to put you higher, but auto-correct wouldn't let me. |
| 30 (26) | Tennessee Titans | 1-1 | The Hall Of Fame called, and they have rescinded Mariota's automatic induction. |
| 31 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 0-2 | No defense - What's new? No Brees - Rut Ro Lose to Bucs at home - YIKES! |
| 32 (27) | Chicago Bears | 0-2 | I had a hangover poop after watching Clausen play. |