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Can't Miss Slants

Week 2 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

How can I put this? The first four weeks of football are like high school sex.

1. Big build up followed by huge letdown: Baltimore Ravens
2. Awkward fumbling for the tasty bits: Cowboys vs. Eagles
3. Wow! Greatest thing EVER!The rest of my life, I’ll be shitting rainbows! : Packers.
4. “Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you.”: Saints
5. How much do I owe you?: Falcons

I hate the new CBA. The first four weeks are teams practicing to make up for all the practice they missed out on. I can guarantee you, there are 0-2 teams who are not in the trouble it looks like, and there are 2-0 teams who are hot garbage.

WEEK TWO RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

After two weeks, The results based on rankings are 21-11. That would be leading the FYS Pick ’em challenge. Since I am too stupid to take my own advice, I am not leading that challenge.

So, here’s this weeks predictions.

 

WinnerLoser
New York Giants (H)Washington
Dallas (H)Atlanta
IndianapolisTennessee (H)
OaklandCleveland (H)
CincinnatiBaltimore (H)
New England (H)Jacksonville
Carolina (H)New Orleans
New York Jets (H)Philadelphia
Houston (H)Tampa
Minnesota (H)San Diego
PittsburghSt Louis (H)
Arizona (H)San Francisco
Miami (H)Buffalo
Seattle (H)Chicago
DenverDetroit (H)
Green Bay (H)Kansas City

 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 23)

1303 – Ragnar negotiated his first contract. He got sex once a week with the best gatherer in the tribe and second row seating at the evening fire.

1776 – Something really important that our current elected officials don’t remember either.

1964 – John Jedlicka turned 7 months and 6 days old, and ranked his birth as, Meh.

WHO’S HOT

Check this shit out. This weeks winners: Redskins, Jaguars, Raiders, Buccaneers, and Browns.

WHO’S NOT

Check this shit out. This weeks losers: Currently all 0-2, Seattle, New Orleans, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Indianapolis. Something has to give.

YOU SAID IT

DanOnWis23 – Bears too high (now I’ll go read it).
JJ – I couldn’t agree with you more completely!

DanOnWis23 – Looking like New Orleans and Indy are the best plays for eliminator – not much better than last week in terms of good home teams against inferior road teams.
JJ – I can’t believe I ever agreed with this moron!

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
New England Patriots2-0"Hi, my name is Bill Belichick, and I'm a cheataholic."
"HI, BILL!"
2
(2)
Green Bay Packers2-0Aaron Rodgers:
1. Hates cancer patients
2. Takes God's name in vane
3. Covers the fact that he's gay by dating a super hot chick

OK, I have to admit, that third one's pretty cool.
3
(5)
Arizona Cardinals2-0Bruce Arians lost a job to Marc Trestman.
Just saying.
4
(6)
Cincinnati Bengals2-0Congratulations on another great regular season.
5
(3)
Denver Broncos2-0Sometimes poop floats.
6
(11)
Pittsburgh Steelers1-1Congratulations. The Suckieness of the suckatude above you, has sucked you up the rankings.
7
(4)
Dallas Cowboys2-0Your ranking reflects my confidence in Jason Garrett and Brandon Weeden.
8
(7)
Kansas City Chiefs1-1At least you didn't lose to a divisional opponent at home.
Oh, wait...
9
(8)
Miami Dolphins1-1"I DO WHAT I WANT!"
- N. Suh
You should be in good shape now that Suh has gone rogue.
10
(9)
Seattle Seahawks0-2"OMG! You're going to believe instant replay over me?!"
- Pete Carroll
11
(16)
Carolina Panthers2-0Enjoy it while it lasts.
12
(18)
Minnesota Vikings1-1AP looked good. Is he running from some new charges?
13
(23)
New York Jets2-0GAH! I may have to move you assholes up again.
14
(12)
Baltimore Ravens0-2You're trying to make me learn the name of the Raiders coach ahead of schedule.
15
(14)
San Diego Chargers1-1Phillip will be Phillip.
16
(15)
Buffalo Bills1-1AI expect improvement once everyone buys into Rex's new foot hygiene program.
17
(23)
Atlanta Falcons2-0If your erection lasts more than four weeks, consult a physician.
18
(17)
St Louis Rams1-1I didn't see the game, but my guess is that your offense resembles a throw rug.
19
(10)
Indianapolis Colts0-2Luck is on pace for 24 TDs and 40 interceptions.
20
(20)
Houston Texans0-2I'll chalk your last loss up to distraction. You probably spent the whole game thinking, "Fig Newtons are delicious!"
21
(19)
Detroit Lions0-2Ways to disappoint fans:

121.
122. One and done in the playoffs - check
123. Get up 21-3 and blow lead - check
124. Suck in general - check
22
(21)
San Francisco 49ers1-1Ben really raped you guys.
23
(28)
Oakland raiders1-1I still have 6 weeks to figure out who your head coach is. I'm working on it.
24
(29)
Jacksonville Jaguars1-1DO NOT MAKE ME PAY ATTENTION TO YOU!
25
(30)
Cleveland browns1-1You're an inspiration to the city of Detroit.
26
(31)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers1-1Lovie hype turns into Lovie hope.
27
(25)
New York Giants0-2Last week you snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. This week, you just looked like snach.
28
(32)
Washington Redskins1-1Resist the urge to suck off the coach. It won't even get you a parking spot.
TRUST ME!
29
(13)
Philadelphia Eagles0-2I tried to put you higher, but auto-correct wouldn't let me.
30
(26)
Tennessee Titans1-1The Hall Of Fame called, and they have rescinded Mariota's automatic induction.
31
(24)
New Orleans Saints0-2No defense - What's new?
No Brees - Rut Ro
Lose to Bucs at home - YIKES!
32
(27)
Chicago Bears0-2I had a hangover poop after watching Clausen play.