I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Mai Tai’s and Bikini’s All Around!
With Memorial day fast approaching, it’s time to grab your jorts and Uggs, and prepare for the Summer. Maybe we don’t all get to enjoy Man Day, like those kooky cats in Oklahoma, but MaCmorial day happens to land on the same day as Memorial day this year, and kicks off what should be an epic Five Yard Slant holiday season.
From Portland to the Rockies, for the Dells to Tallahassee, It’s time to let your hair down and get this party started, because, let’s face it, football in still four months off.
MaCmoreial Day
Monday, May 25
Grab your favorite beer snob, and brace yourself for a full days of craft beers and drunken debauchery.
Fist of July
Friday, July 5
Cover yourself in nacho cheese, and prepare your Angus!
Forth of JuJu
Thursday, June 4
Honor thy troll. Be sure to share this special day with Horse and LKP.
White history month August
Join us as we celebrate Manifest Destiny, the abolition of Slavery, the rise of the Indian casino, and tip a glass with your favorite whitey!
Vajayjay Day
Monday August 10
Pull out you scratch and sniffs, and celebrate natesweet’s olfactory prowess.
Gatr Day
Monday September 7
Throw your Rebel flag on the back of your pickup, throw on your favorite pair of jorts, and head down to Waffle House for all day specials.
Rourke Hashana
Friday/Saturday September 25/26
Crash and trash your best friends house, bring your +2, and celebrate German history.
Prep’s Mom’s Kipper
Sunday, October 4
A day of rest for our peckers and the holy mother.
Black history day
Monday October 5
(Optional)
Cap Helloween
October 31
As you lament your teams late season collapse, take time to review next years salary cap and cry in your beer.
All Taints Day
Sunday, November 1
We honor Drew Brees, and how such a little man can handcuff his team with such an outrageous contract. Join us in honoring Stafford, Cutler, Dalton, et al!
Fistmas
Friday, December 25
Celebrating our full recovery from the Fist of July. Cover yourself in nacho cheese, and prepare your Angus!
Kooshswanza
Saturday
December 26 through Friday, January 1
Drink away the guilt of skipping Black History Day.
I did your Mother’s Day
Every day and twice on Sunday
Ass Wednesday
March 3, 2016
Booty pics all day long!
Hood Friday
April 16, 2016
RAP battles from dusk til dawn!
Ethan Sunday
April 18, 2016
To be honest, this is just another excuse to drink.
