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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Pre Season Power Rankings

Professor X Picks

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Free Agency – check
Draft – check
Training camp – check
Pre-season – check

You know what this means? IT’S TIME FOR FOOTBALL!

Oh, wait…I guess I’m leaving out the few remaining days when fans of all teams get to talk smack, before their teams hit the field and their dreams come crashing down like Oprah’s fupa, when she removes her panties to hop in the shower.

This off season was dominated by Deflategate. After Rodger Goodell upheld a four game suspension for Tom Brady, following an “independent” investigation, Brady decided to take the NFL to court in a modern day version of David verse Goliath.
In a 40 page ruling, Federal District Court Judge Richard M. Berman pulled out is huge Federal pecker, and smacked Roger Goodell in the face, when he overturned Brady’s four game suspension. The ruling wasn’t based so much on the evidence (or lack thereof) in the case, as much as Judge Berman telling Roger Goodell that he was a cotton headed ninnymuggins, and couldn’t arbitrarily pull fecal matter out of his rectum and set precedent by flinging said fecal matter at a fan of his choosing. I’ll leave the legal detail to our resident legal team, but suffice to say, this was a huge win for my Fantasy Football team.

Anyway, thank the great Moon Jesus that’s over. (Except for the part where Roger sticks his tongue out at Judge Berman, and says, “We’ll see you in Appellate court, Buttface.”)

 

 Week One Results Based On Ranking

WinnerLoser
New England (H)Pittsburgh
Green BayChicago (H)
Kansas CityHouston (H)
New York Jets (H)Cleveland
IndianapolisBuffalo (H)
MiamiWashington (H)
CarolinaJacksonville (H)
SeattleSaint Louis (H)
Arizona (H)New Orleans
San Diego (H)Detroit
Tampa Bay (H)Tennessee
CincinnatiOakland (H)
Denver (H)Baltimore
Dallas (H)New York Giants
PhiladelphiaAtlanta (H)
MinnesotaSan Francisco (H)

 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 9)

1776 The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to The United States of America, from the United Colonies.

1850 California became the 31st state (and was immediately granted the rights to have a minimum of 4 NFL franchises)

1956 Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show.

2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015 LKP wrongly projected the Detroit Lions to not suck.

WHO’S HOT

Nobody, you frickin’ dumbasses! The season hasn’t even begun.

WHO’S NOT

The Chicago Bears. I guarantee they’re ranked too high.

YOU SAID IT

Andylet445 – are you gonna do some power wankings before the preseason starts
JJ –As soon as things settle down with the house projects. They’re pretty premature when you still have 90 man rosters.
Andylet445 – yeah, but who cares, they suck no matter what.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

RankingTeamRecordComments
1New England Patriots0-0Cheating bastards got their first win before the season even started.
2Seattle Seahawks0-0Rumor is, they eliminated any pass plays from the one yard line from their playbook.
3Green Bay Packers0-0Adam Schefter has assured me, based on a source he will only refer to as "Gabes", that the loss of Jordy Nelson will have zero effect on their season.
4Indianapolis Colts0-0I'd like to punch myself in the dick for putting them this high, but I believe Andrew Luck is...elite.
I also think he's living proof that we evolved from cavemen. (Not him per se, but the rest of us)
5Denver Broncos0-0THAT'S RIGHT! They're that good, until Peyton Manning's arm falls off in week 11 and is immediately enshrined in the Hall OF Fame.
6Dallas Cowboys0-0Losing Demarco Murray doesn't hurt them as much as it hurts me to rank them this high.
7Pittsburgh Steelers0-0I not only have the Steelers winning their division, I also have Ben Roethlisberger signing a huge endorsement deal with Jello Pudding.
8Baltimore Ravens0-0With brother Jim joining the college coaching ranks at Michigan, John is once again the best football coach, in his family, in the NFL, who hasn't lost a game yet.
9Philadelphia Eagles0-0Chip kelly is going to trade himself to the Titans for Marcus Mariota, and then sue the Eagles for his coaching job back, claiming he discriminated against himself due to race.
10Arizona Cardinals0-0Don't lie, you love their D as much as Bristol Palin loves the D.
11Cincinnati Bengals0-0Andy Dalton owns the regular season like the Lions own the preseason.
12Minnesota Vikings0-0Nothing like a switch and some lacerated scrotum's to motivate a team.
JK Year 2 of Mike Zimmer and a stout defense should make you competitive.
...but a good slap on the ass never hurts!
AMIRITE!
13Kansas City Chiefs0-0In a quarterback driven league, you're the technological equivalent of the self driving car.
14Miami Dolphins0-0I think I speak for all NFCN teams when I say, thank you for overpaying Suh.
15San Diego Chargers0-0Way down upon the Phillip Rivers,
Far, far away
That's where my heart is turning ever
That's where the old folks stay
All up and down the whole creation,
Sadly I roam
Still longing for the old plantation
And for the old folks at home
16Detroit Lions0-0I'm giddy with excitement, waiting to see how you disappoint your fans this year.
17Buffalo Bills0-0Geno Smith's broken jaw actually moved you up a couple of spots. At least you won't have a punk-ass-bitch in the locker room.
18Houston Texans0-0It's hard to get a read on your team. The only thing I learned from Hard Knocks is that your head coach is a bald, fat, arrogant douche bag who wants to have hair and be skinny again.
19Carolina Panthers0-0On the bright side, I have you winning your shite division.
20New Orleans Saints0-0Your stat padding midget isn't enough to overcome the rest of the steamy pile of crap you call a team.
21St Louis Rams0-0Tough team to rank. Your defense should knock the snot out of people, but your offense will probably eat those boogers.
22New York Giants0-0I'm sure I'll get plenty of shit for having you ranked so low, but Eli Manning is your quarterback. That's "ELI" manning. That's Peyton Manning's half retarded brother.
"BUT ELI'S GOT TWO SUPERBOWLS!"
Yeah, and if my aunt had two balls, she'd be my uncle.
23Atlanta Falcons0-0Smile, you're the last team on the list that doesn't induce vomit.
24San Francisco 49ers0-0I'll actually be shocked if you aren't fighting for the number one overall pick, by the end of the season.
25New York Jets0-0My Spidey senses tell me you'll be better at conerback, after that, I got...nothing.
26Chicago Bears0-0I can think of 54 million reasons you should never be ranked this low, and Jay Cutler isn't one of them.
27Oakland Raiders0-0I promise to learn the name of your head coach before week 8.
28Jacksonville Jaguars0-0Don't go getting a big head about this. You're only 28th because I think the Browns, Bucs, Titans, and Redskins suck more than you...and I may be wrong about that.
29Cleveland Browns0-0I'm being generous. Josh McCown only managed to get Tampa up to 31 last year.
30Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-0You have half of the starteres from the Chicago Bears last year.
DID YOU NOT WATCH THE CHICAGO BEARS LAST YEAR???
31Tennessee Titans0-0When I think of you, I get a rumbling in my tummy, and that usually means I'm about to drop a turd.
32Washington Redskins0-0Dan Snyder + RGIII = 32.
The math checks out.