I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Free Agency – check
Draft – check
Training camp – check
Pre-season – check
You know what this means? IT’S TIME FOR FOOTBALL!
Oh, wait…I guess I’m leaving out the few remaining days when fans of all teams get to talk smack, before their teams hit the field and their dreams come crashing down like Oprah’s fupa, when she removes her panties to hop in the shower.
This off season was dominated by Deflategate. After Rodger Goodell upheld a four game suspension for Tom Brady, following an “independent” investigation, Brady decided to take the NFL to court in a modern day version of David verse Goliath.
In a 40 page ruling, Federal District Court Judge Richard M. Berman pulled out is huge Federal pecker, and smacked Roger Goodell in the face, when he overturned Brady’s four game suspension. The ruling wasn’t based so much on the evidence (or lack thereof) in the case, as much as Judge Berman telling Roger Goodell that he was a cotton headed ninnymuggins, and couldn’t arbitrarily pull fecal matter out of his rectum and set precedent by flinging said fecal matter at a fan of his choosing. I’ll leave the legal detail to our resident legal team, but suffice to say, this was a huge win for my Fantasy Football team.
Anyway, thank the great Moon Jesus that’s over. (Except for the part where Roger sticks his tongue out at Judge Berman, and says, “We’ll see you in Appellate court, Buttface.”)
Week One Results Based On Ranking
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| New England (H) | Pittsburgh |
| Green Bay | Chicago (H) |
| Kansas City | Houston (H) |
| New York Jets (H) | Cleveland |
| Indianapolis | Buffalo (H) |
| Miami | Washington (H) |
| Carolina | Jacksonville (H) |
| Seattle | Saint Louis (H) |
| Arizona (H) | New Orleans |
| San Diego (H) | Detroit |
| Tampa Bay (H) | Tennessee |
| Cincinnati | Oakland (H) |
| Denver (H) | Baltimore |
| Dallas (H) | New York Giants |
| Philadelphia | Atlanta (H) |
| Minnesota | San Francisco (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 9)
1776 The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to The United States of America, from the United Colonies.
1850 California became the 31st state (and was immediately granted the rights to have a minimum of 4 NFL franchises)
1956 Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show.
2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015 LKP wrongly projected the Detroit Lions to not suck.
WHO’S HOT
Nobody, you frickin’ dumbasses! The season hasn’t even begun.
WHO’S NOT
The Chicago Bears. I guarantee they’re ranked too high.
YOU SAID IT
Andylet445 – are you gonna do some power wankings before the preseason starts
JJ –As soon as things settle down with the house projects. They’re pretty premature when you still have 90 man rosters.
Andylet445 – yeah, but who cares, they suck no matter what.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Ranking | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | New England Patriots | 0-0 | Cheating bastards got their first win before the season even started. |
| 2 | Seattle Seahawks | 0-0 | Rumor is, they eliminated any pass plays from the one yard line from their playbook. |
| 3 | Green Bay Packers | 0-0 | Adam Schefter has assured me, based on a source he will only refer to as "Gabes", that the loss of Jordy Nelson will have zero effect on their season. |
| 4 | Indianapolis Colts | 0-0 | I'd like to punch myself in the dick for putting them this high, but I believe Andrew Luck is...elite. I also think he's living proof that we evolved from cavemen. (Not him per se, but the rest of us) |
| 5 | Denver Broncos | 0-0 | THAT'S RIGHT! They're that good, until Peyton Manning's arm falls off in week 11 and is immediately enshrined in the Hall OF Fame. |
| 6 | Dallas Cowboys | 0-0 | Losing Demarco Murray doesn't hurt them as much as it hurts me to rank them this high. |
| 7 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 0-0 | I not only have the Steelers winning their division, I also have Ben Roethlisberger signing a huge endorsement deal with Jello Pudding. |
| 8 | Baltimore Ravens | 0-0 | With brother Jim joining the college coaching ranks at Michigan, John is once again the best football coach, in his family, in the NFL, who hasn't lost a game yet. |
| 9 | Philadelphia Eagles | 0-0 | Chip kelly is going to trade himself to the Titans for Marcus Mariota, and then sue the Eagles for his coaching job back, claiming he discriminated against himself due to race. |
| 10 | Arizona Cardinals | 0-0 | Don't lie, you love their D as much as Bristol Palin loves the D. |
| 11 | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-0 | Andy Dalton owns the regular season like the Lions own the preseason. |
| 12 | Minnesota Vikings | 0-0 | Nothing like a switch and some lacerated scrotum's to motivate a team. JK Year 2 of Mike Zimmer and a stout defense should make you competitive. ...but a good slap on the ass never hurts! AMIRITE! |
| 13 | Kansas City Chiefs | 0-0 | In a quarterback driven league, you're the technological equivalent of the self driving car. |
| 14 | Miami Dolphins | 0-0 | I think I speak for all NFCN teams when I say, thank you for overpaying Suh. |
| 15 | San Diego Chargers | 0-0 | Way down upon the Phillip Rivers, Far, far away That's where my heart is turning ever That's where the old folks stay All up and down the whole creation, Sadly I roam Still longing for the old plantation And for the old folks at home |
| 16 | Detroit Lions | 0-0 | I'm giddy with excitement, waiting to see how you disappoint your fans this year. |
| 17 | Buffalo Bills | 0-0 | Geno Smith's broken jaw actually moved you up a couple of spots. At least you won't have a punk-ass-bitch in the locker room. |
| 18 | Houston Texans | 0-0 | It's hard to get a read on your team. The only thing I learned from Hard Knocks is that your head coach is a bald, fat, arrogant douche bag who wants to have hair and be skinny again. |
| 19 | Carolina Panthers | 0-0 | On the bright side, I have you winning your shite division. |
| 20 | New Orleans Saints | 0-0 | Your stat padding midget isn't enough to overcome the rest of the steamy pile of crap you call a team. |
| 21 | St Louis Rams | 0-0 | Tough team to rank. Your defense should knock the snot out of people, but your offense will probably eat those boogers. |
| 22 | New York Giants | 0-0 | I'm sure I'll get plenty of shit for having you ranked so low, but Eli Manning is your quarterback. That's "ELI" manning. That's Peyton Manning's half retarded brother. "BUT ELI'S GOT TWO SUPERBOWLS!" Yeah, and if my aunt had two balls, she'd be my uncle. |
| 23 | Atlanta Falcons | 0-0 | Smile, you're the last team on the list that doesn't induce vomit. |
| 24 | San Francisco 49ers | 0-0 | I'll actually be shocked if you aren't fighting for the number one overall pick, by the end of the season. |
| 25 | New York Jets | 0-0 | My Spidey senses tell me you'll be better at conerback, after that, I got...nothing. |
| 26 | Chicago Bears | 0-0 | I can think of 54 million reasons you should never be ranked this low, and Jay Cutler isn't one of them. |
| 27 | Oakland Raiders | 0-0 | I promise to learn the name of your head coach before week 8. |
| 28 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-0 | Don't go getting a big head about this. You're only 28th because I think the Browns, Bucs, Titans, and Redskins suck more than you...and I may be wrong about that. |
| 29 | Cleveland Browns | 0-0 | I'm being generous. Josh McCown only managed to get Tampa up to 31 last year. |
| 30 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 0-0 | You have half of the starteres from the Chicago Bears last year. DID YOU NOT WATCH THE CHICAGO BEARS LAST YEAR??? |
| 31 | Tennessee Titans | 0-0 | When I think of you, I get a rumbling in my tummy, and that usually means I'm about to drop a turd. |
| 32 | Washington Redskins | 0-0 | Dan Snyder + RGIII = 32. The math checks out. |