FYS Week 1 Power Rankings

Power Rankings
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I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.


Week one is in the books, and there are already a few certainties.

  • The Packers are done. Sure, they lost to the defending Superbowl champions, but the game looked like a battle between Alabama and McNeese State.
  • The Vikings crushed an opponent on the road. The division is their’s to lose.
  • Same old Jay. Bears might as well pack it in and start playing for a top draft choice.
  • 49ers are back, baby! They crushed a stout Cowboys team in Dallas!
  • Stafford is the man. Quarterbacks all over the league are scrambling to develop their sidearm mechanics.
  • Rodgers, Brady, and Brees lost. Locker, Palmer, and Tannehill won. It’s time to reevaluate the “Big Three”.

OK, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s see if I can’t temper my power rankings with a slightly more rational approach.


Who’s Hot

Sorry, as much as it turns my stomach to say it, Seattle looks to be in midseason form.

Who’s Not

Dallas is a hot mess.


You Said it.

Preperation_A – “Indy above GB?”

JJ – Yes, and it shall remain that way, at least for another week.


FalconsFan – “Jaguars over the Falcons? Seems legit.”

JJ – Too legit… Too legit to quit!

OK. I may have planted a few teams to get a rise out of my audience.


Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!

Seattle Seahawks1-0Looks like cheating with extra tackling drills really paid off.
Philadelphia Eagles1-0If you’re going to spot a team 17 points, I guess Jacksonville is as good a choice as any.
Denver Broncos1-0An older, wiser Payton Manning is conserving energy for the long season, by only playing one half.
New England Patriots0-1Now we know how Tom Brady plays when he’s in heat.
New Orleans Saints0-1How does it feel to be bent over by Matt Ryan
Indianapolis Colts0-1Dear Mr. Luck, You’re not Payton Manning. You need to play both halves.
Cincinnati Bengals1-0Let’s all do the “Hard Knocks curse is lifted” dance!
Atlanta Falcons1-0Defending the Dome!
The Dome-inators!
Doin’ the Dome dance!
Green Bay Packers0-1Hans: Row, row, row your boat…
Frans: Gently down the Loser stream!
Arizona Cardinals1-0I'm looking forward to Carson Palmer’s second career, when he becomes the famous porn star, Carson Fister.
Baltimore Ravens0-1Whatever happened to, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”?
Geez, apparently you can’t hit a woman anywhere, anymore.
San Francisco 49ers1-0Not sure if you made Dallas look like shit, or if Dallas made you look good.
Detroit Lions1-0It’s good to see the Lions working on eliminating stupid penalties.
New York Jets1-0What a statement game! You beat the Raiders by 5, at home. SMH
Chicago Bears0-1I had hope to have a comment from Chris Conte on that last run in overtime, but he was still tripping backwards, and I couldn't catch up to him.
Houston Texans1-0Woo Hoo! One more win, and you equal last years total!
Pittsburgh Steelers1-0You old!
You slow!
Your sister is a …
Wholesome woman. Nice job.
Carolina Patnhers1-0Growl like you meown it!
Miami Dolphins1-0Every year the 1972 Dolphins celebrate.
That is all.
Minnesota Vikings1-0Possibly the most impressive win of week one. It will take a few more before I drink the purple Kool-Aid.
Tennessee Titans1-0Quit winning. I don’t want to have to learn your names.
San Diego Chargers0-1Philip Rivers X: The Temple of Mediocrity
Buffalo Bills1-0It’s always a relief when “Bad Jay” shows up.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers0-1Bears fans sure miss Lovie and Josh.
Cleveland Browns0-1Johnny Football time!
Jacksonville Jaguars0-1Your entire fan base had boners for 30 minutes. After that, it was just the women.
Washington Redskins0-1Don’t think of it as “only 6 points”. Think of it as “the first loss of many”.
St Louis Rams0-1God Smote you for cutting Michael Sam.
Kansas City Chiefs0-1Old McDonald had a farm.
And, on this farm he had a torn Achilles.
He had a tear here and he had a tear there…
New York Giants0-1You are a hot, stinky mess. Like, Limburger stinky!
Dallas Cowboys0-1LOfrickinL!
Oakland Raiders0-1If you don’t pick up Ray Rice, you dishonor the memory of Al Davis.