I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Week one is in the books, and there are already a few certainties.
- The Packers are done. Sure, they lost to the defending Superbowl champions, but the game looked like a battle between Alabama and McNeese State.
- The Vikings crushed an opponent on the road. The division is their’s to lose.
- Same old Jay. Bears might as well pack it in and start playing for a top draft choice.
- 49ers are back, baby! They crushed a stout Cowboys team in Dallas!
- Stafford is the man. Quarterbacks all over the league are scrambling to develop their sidearm mechanics.
- Rodgers, Brady, and Brees lost. Locker, Palmer, and Tannehill won. It’s time to reevaluate the “Big Three”.
OK, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s see if I can’t temper my power rankings with a slightly more rational approach.
Sorry, as much as it turns my stomach to say it, Seattle looks to be in midseason form.
Dallas is a hot mess.
You Said it.
Preperation_A – “Indy above GB?”
JJ – Yes, and it shall remain that way, at least for another week.
FalconsFan – “Jaguars over the Falcons? Seems legit.”
JJ – Too legit… Too legit to quit!
OK. I may have planted a few teams to get a rise out of my audience.
Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!
|Seattle Seahawks||1-0||Looks like cheating with extra tackling drills really paid off.|
|Philadelphia Eagles||1-0||If you’re going to spot a team 17 points, I guess Jacksonville is as good a choice as any.|
|Denver Broncos||1-0||An older, wiser Payton Manning is conserving energy for the long season, by only playing one half.|
|New England Patriots||0-1||Now we know how Tom Brady plays when he’s in heat.|
|New Orleans Saints||0-1||How does it feel to be bent over by Matt Ryan|
|Indianapolis Colts||0-1||Dear Mr. Luck, You’re not Payton Manning. You need to play both halves.|
|Cincinnati Bengals||1-0||Let’s all do the “Hard Knocks curse is lifted” dance!|
|Atlanta Falcons||1-0||Defending the Dome!
Doin’ the Dome dance!
|Green Bay Packers||0-1||Hans: Row, row, row your boat…
Frans: Gently down the Loser stream!
|Arizona Cardinals||1-0||I'm looking forward to Carson Palmer’s second career, when he becomes the famous porn star, Carson Fister.|
|Baltimore Ravens||0-1||Whatever happened to, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”?
Geez, apparently you can’t hit a woman anywhere, anymore.
|San Francisco 49ers||1-0||Not sure if you made Dallas look like shit, or if Dallas made you look good.|
|Detroit Lions||1-0||It’s good to see the Lions working on eliminating stupid penalties.|
|New York Jets||1-0||What a statement game! You beat the Raiders by 5, at home. SMH|
|Chicago Bears||0-1||I had hope to have a comment from Chris Conte on that last run in overtime, but he was still tripping backwards, and I couldn't catch up to him.|
|Houston Texans||1-0||Woo Hoo! One more win, and you equal last years total!|
|Pittsburgh Steelers||1-0||You old!
Your sister is a …
Wholesome woman. Nice job.
|Carolina Patnhers||1-0||Growl like you meown it!|
|Miami Dolphins||1-0||Every year the 1972 Dolphins celebrate.
That is all.
|Minnesota Vikings||1-0||Possibly the most impressive win of week one. It will take a few more before I drink the purple Kool-Aid.|
|Tennessee Titans||1-0||Quit winning. I don’t want to have to learn your names.|
|San Diego Chargers||0-1||Philip Rivers X: The Temple of Mediocrity|
|Buffalo Bills||1-0||It’s always a relief when “Bad Jay” shows up.|
|Tampa Bay Bucaneers||0-1||Bears fans sure miss Lovie and Josh.|
|Cleveland Browns||0-1||Johnny Football time!|
|Jacksonville Jaguars||0-1||Your entire fan base had boners for 30 minutes. After that, it was just the women.|
|Washington Redskins||0-1||Don’t think of it as “only 6 points”. Think of it as “the first loss of many”.|
|St Louis Rams||0-1||God Smote you for cutting Michael Sam.|
|Kansas City Chiefs||0-1||Old McDonald had a farm.
And, on this farm he had a torn Achilles.
He had a tear here and he had a tear there…
|New York Giants||0-1||You are a hot, stinky mess. Like, Limburger stinky!|
|Oakland Raiders||0-1||If you don’t pick up Ray Rice, you dishonor the memory of Al Davis.|