I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
It took exactly one weekend for all of my dreams to come crashing down.
On Saturday, Everett Golson’s four first half turnovers, all but put the game out of reach for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. True to their name, The Irish came storming back in the second half, but ran out of gas after pulling to within three points. With the loss, ND is all but eliminated from any shot at the college playoffs.
Sunday began with my driver Jeff Gordon clinging to a chance to make the final NASCAR race, and a chance at his fifth NASCAR title. Gordon ran well, finishing second in the race, but was eliminated for the chase when Ryan Newman made a pass on the last corner of the last lap, to steal a spot in the final race, by one point over Gordon.
Sunday evening may have been the worst. Coming off a bye week, and facing their oldest rival, my beloved Chicago Bears were thoroughly embarrassed by the Green Bay Packers. The loss drops the Bears to 3-6 on the season, and you guessed it, all but eliminates the Bears from any shot at a playoff berth.
You’ll be happy to know, I’ve been taken off suicide watch, and place on a Jack Daniels IV drip.
IN The News
Arizona Cardinal quarterback Carson Palmer, suffered a season ending torn ACL. The Cardinals will have to rely on backup quarterback Drew Stanton, and the league’s leading record, to lead them to the Promised Land.
The NFL Players Association has filed a grievance to have Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson, immediately reinstated to the team. Peterson is currently on the NFL special commissioner’s exempt list, which means he is still being paid, but does not count towards the teams 53 man roster, and he is barred from participating in team activities.
Former Minnesota Vikings safety Orlando Thomas died of ALS on Sunday. Thomas lead the league in interceptions his rookie year, with nine.
Who’s Hot
The Cleveland Browns took sole possession of first place in the AFC North in fine fashion, by trouncing their division rival Cincinnati Bengals in Cincinnati.
Who’s Not
The Chicago Bears are a hot mess. They managed to give up 50 points in two consecutive weeks, joining the 1923 Rochester Jeffersons as the only other team to suck that bad.
You Said It
Horse – Packers over the Saints? Pffffft. This is lame as shit.
JJ– It’s a little less lame every time the Saints take the field.
AndrewLet – Records aside, since had their lead vs. the Packers, they have been outscored like 200 pts to 100 pts. They really should be 32nd.
JJ – You should be a motivational speaker.
G & G – The Dolphins will kick the Lions butt this weekend.
BOOK IT!!!!
JJ – Next time, use five exclamation points!!!!!
It’s Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!
| Ranking (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Arizona Cardinals | 8-1 | Time to polish up your "I Believe In Drew" buttons. |
| 2 (2) | New England Patriots | 7-2 | How in the Belifuck do you do it? Even when you take a week off, you improve your standings. |
| 3 (3) | Philadelphia Eagles | 7-2 | I'll have a Cam Sanchez on rye, hold the mayo. |
| 4 (4) | Denver Broncos | 7-2 | Nothing like the Raiders to wipe off the ass stain the Patriots laid on you last week. |
| 5 (6) | Detroit Lions | 7-2 | We're all still anxiously awaiting your collapse. |
| 6 (8) | Kansas City Chiefs | 6-3 | No doubt teams will be watching your game tape to see how you shut down the Juggernaut that is Kyle Orton. |
| 7 (7) | Indianapolis Colts | 6-3 | Andrew Lucks Hall of Fame career is put on hold for a week. |
| 8 (9) | Dallas Cowboys | 7-3 | Tony Romo is determined to be around to blow it late in the season. |
| 9 (12) | Seattle Seahawks | 6-3 | What kind of an organization allows wild birds to molest their fans? Shameful shit. |
| 10 (14) | Green Bay Packers | 6-3 | How did you douche bags allow Chris Williams to return a kickoff for a touchdown? |
| 11 (16) | Cleveland Browns | 6-3 | If you don't stop winning, ESPN is going to file a cease and desist order. You're jeopardizing there LeBron James 24 hour news cycle. |
| 12 (17) | Baltimore Ravens | 6-4 | Ravens cheerleader was released from the hospital after suffering head, back, and neck injuries during Sunday's game. Apparently her breasts were not damaged in the fall. |
| 13 (5) | Cincinnati Bengals | 5-3-1 | With 3 catches for 44 yards, the Cleveland Browns defense was Andy Dalton's leading receiver. |
| 14 (10) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-4 | If your looking for a way to stay humble, losing to the Jets would be near the top of the list. |
| 15 (15) | San Diego Chargers | 5-4 | Phillip Rivers and the Chargers are forced to wait a week, before continuing their slide. |
| 16 (18) | San Francisco 49ers | 5-4 | If you were a cat, last weeks win would count as 3 of your 9 lives. |
| 17 (11) | Miami Dolphins | 5-4 | Shutdown by the Sidearm Swami! |
| 18 (13) | Buffalo Bills | 5-4 | If your offense ever shows up, you'll be dangerous. |
| 19 (20) | Minnesota Vikings | 4-5 | Flying high after a win and a bye! |
| 20 (21) | Houston Texans | 4-5 | Is Ryan Mallett the answer? His dawn is neigh. Or is he a cancer? It can't hurt to try. |
| 21 (19) | New Orleans Saints | 4-5 | I knew it wasn't good when you went into Mel tuckers prevent D at the end of regulation, but I had no idea Brees would audible into a Cutler at the end. |
| 22 (26) | Atlanta Falcons | 3-6 | How does it feel making josh McCown cry. You should be ashamed of yourselves! |
| 23 (22) | Carolina Panthers | 3-6-1 | I'm looking at your record, and the fact that you are half a game out of first place, is blowing my mind. |
| 24 (23) | Saint Louis Rams | 3-6 | It doesn't seam fair. They had all week to prepare for Austin Davis. You had zero time to prepare for Drew Stanton. |
| 25 (24) | New York Giants | 3-6 | Let me Guess, Tom Coughlin told you to finish with 21 unanswered points, but he forgot to tell you which team. Am I close? |
| 26 (30) | New York Jets | 2-8 | "Guys, Rex is as good as gone. We can start winning again." |
| 27 (27) | Washington Redskins | 3-6 | I admire your determination to lose with RGIII. |
| 28 (28) | Tennessee Titans | 2-7 | It's OK to hold on to your week one win over kansas City. Bears fans are still clinging to the '85 Super Bowl. |
| 29 (29) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-8 | So you dropped one to Atlanta. Keep your chin up. You have Washington and Chicago coming up. |
| 30 (31) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-9 | Don't get all cocky. If it weren't for the Bears, you'd still be 31. |
| 31 (25) | Chicago Bears | 3-6 | The last poop I took had a Chicago Bear wedged between a piece of corn and a peanut. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-9 | Your perfect season protected you from moving up a spot. |