I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
First of all, I’d like to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. It’s nice to have a holiday to celebrate a successful genocide.
Week 12 officially marks the end of the bye weeks. This means there are no more opportunities for teams to sit on their ass and watch their divisions crumble around them with the hopes of moving up in the rankings.
I personally like to congratulate the 9 teams who have managed records above .500. I’d also like to say to the other 23 teams, while you may be mired deep in the muck and fuck that is today’s NFL, You still have a chance!
WEEK 12 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
After a one week hiatus, I’m back to my winning ways. This week I posted an 8-6 record. This is slightly better than a chimpanzee, and it beats the shit out of that stupid elephant that picks the Superbowl winner by choosing it’s favorite cake.
My year to date record is still a respectable 99-61.
So, here are my week 12 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Philadelphia | Detroit (H) |
| Carolina | Dallas (H) |
| Green Bay (H) | Chicago |
| Oakland | Tennessee (H) |
| Kansas City (H) | Buffalo |
| Indianapolis (H) | Tampa Bay |
| New York Giants | Washington (H) |
| Houston | New Orleans (H) |
| Minnesota | Atlanta (H) |
| Cincinnati (H) | St Luois |
| Jacksonville (H) | San Diego |
| New York Jets (H) | Miami |
| Arizona | San Francisco (H) |
| Pittsburgh | Seattle (H) |
| New England | Denver (H) |
| Baltimore | Cleveland (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)
1783 – The last British soldiers left New York.
This, of course, allowed us to get back to the important business of wiping out the Native American population.
1963 – John F Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National cemetery.
“Laid to rest”. Is it just me, or does this strike you as a understatement?
1986 – Iran – Contra connection revealed.
Also know as “Arms for Hostages”, The Iran – Contra affairs most lasting impact would be to allow idiots like “Ollie” North and Kato Kaelin to gain fame, and dominate news cycles.
1999 – International day to eliminate violence against women.
The NFL was given a special exemption.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
You’ll be happy to know Team Deez Nuts is back to it’s winning ways. Thank goodness Andy and his all French team don’t know how to football.
Pro Tip: Don’t leave Thomas Rawls on the bench in a week when he scores 36 points.
WHO’S HOT
The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hey, this may be a bit of a stretch, but they’ve manage to top their win total from last year, and believe it or not, this puts them one game out of first place in their division.
WHO’S NOT
NFL officials. Is it too much to ask to get through one week without controversial, potentially game changing calls? It’s bad enough that we have to suffer through the call on the field, the review process, and the “officials” analyzing the calls for the networks. Then we have to wait another 24 hours for the league to come out with their version, which often comes off as a lame attempt to defend the official call, whether it was made on the field or by the reply booth.
YOU SAID IT
gatrbuc17 – OK…………..I approve of these rankings but I must say, Packers too high
MIB – Keep your day job. Power rankings are no place for reactionary goat fellators.
Preparation_A – Vikings over Bengals?
Shameful sh…
Actually, it’s a coin flip. Both teams will inevitably fuck their fans in the ass after raising their hopes. Fuck em all.
MIB – Nice job! Or, perhaps I should file this under, “timely rantings of a lunatic”.
LambeauOrWrigley – MiB: These rankings SUCK! Look at up SUCK and you see these rankings! 9th? No fucking way these useless fucks deserve anything in top 10!
MIB – You misunderestimate the suckieness of the rest of the league.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 10-0 | If you manage to go undefeated, I'll personally get each player on the team a "Jeff Stryker Cock n Balls" for Christmas. |
| 2 (2) | Carolina Panthers | 10-0 | The only thing annoying me more than terrible officiating, is hearing Cam Newton mentioned for MVP. |
| 3 (3) | Arizona cardinals | 8-2 | I'm not sleeping on you. I was hoping we could remedy that. Plz respond. |
| 4 (6) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-4 | I sneaked you fuckers up a couple spots on your bye week. It would be nice if you didn't make me look like a complete ass. |
| 5 (9) | Green Bay Packers | 7-3 | This win was important to give your fan base false hope. |
| 6 (5) | Cincinnati Bengals | 8-2 | I don't mind if you lose a couple of regular season games, but we're all looking forward to a one-and-done in the playoffs. |
| 7 (8) | Denver Broncos | 8-2 | I'm looking forward to the drama of keeping Peyton out, when he says he's ready to return. This could be an epic of Favreian proportions. |
| 8 (4) | Minnesota Vikings | 7-3 | You've started your choke too early. I'm use to you bringing your moronic fans to the brink, before you collapse. |
| 9 (12) | Houston Texans | 5-5 | How you do this without an offense is... well, offensive. |
| 10 (11) | New York Giants | 5-5 | Quite frankly, the only reason I have you this high, is because you are my second largest media market. (Right behind Chuck E, Cheese) |
| 11 (12) | Indianapolis Colts | 5-5 | This is where the rankings get brutal. You suck, but you won. Yeah, you! |
| 12 (7) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-4 | You suck and you lost? Yup, we'll go with that. |
| 13 (16) | Kansas City Chiefs | 5-5 | If it makes you feel any better, I have your BBQ sauce at 9. |
| 14 (10) | Buffalo Bills | 5-5 | One of my readers, SDL, would like to know if Mr Taylor's parents are aware the they named their child after a car part. |
| 15 (21) | Seattle Seahawks | 5-5 | I would appreciate it if you could let me know the next time you plan on featuring Tomas Rawls. No biggie, just some Fantasy Football shit. |
| 16 (22) | Tampa Bay Bucaneers | 5-5 | Oh, Lovie! You mediocre devil, you! |
| 17 (14) | New York Jets | 5-5 | I wish I could find a nice pair of used tires that wore as well as you. |
| 18 (15) | Chicago Bears | 4-6 | Sure would have been nice to have that field goal with 10 minutes left in the forth quarter. Who knew?! |
| 19 (18) | St. Louis Rams | 4-6 | From the great state of Misery! |
| 20 (17) | Philadelphia Eagles | 4-6 | I hear Les Miles may be available. |
| 21 (25) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 4-6 | GREATEST SEASON SINCE 2014! |
| 22 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 4-6 | The fact that it took you a bye to move up, should tell you everything you need to know. Also, it's all ball bearings these days. |
| 23 (19) | Oakland Raiders | 4-6 | I bet you guys were on your phones all night with Packer players. |
| 24 (20) | Washington Redskins | 4-6 | Uff da! You got your butts whipped! |
| 25 (23) | Miami Dolphins | 4-6 | Take Shu's contract, divide it by 2, carry the 1= you're fucked. |
| 26 (27) | Baltimore Ravens | 3-7 | There is no earthly reason for you to win another game. Go for a draft spot. |
| 27 (29) | Dallas Cowboys | 3-7 | I love the fact that Romo is back, and you'll be picking squarely in the middle of the pack. |
| 28 (26) | San Francisco 49ers | 3-7 | I just found out Kaepernick tore his labia. That explains a lot. |
| 29 (30) | Detroit Lions | 3-7 | Your president and GM are gone. You got the Lambeau monkey off your back. There is no reason for you to go on a meaningless winning streak. Oh wait, you're the Lions. |
| 30 (28) | Tennessee Titans | 2-8 | Tennessee -Tennes + Titans - ans = See Tits. I like tour math! |
| 31 (31) | San Diego Chargers | 2-8 | Pretty sure that Jeff Fisher 's only job security is his porn stache. |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 2-8 | Johnny Football benched! I have to say, I'm with Johnny on this one. What better way to celebrate 10 months of rehab and sobriety, than an innocent trip to the clubs! |