I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
My power rankings will be brought to you by: Samuel Adams White Christmas, Laphroaig 10, and Pandora US Christmas Hits radio.
I apologize if you sense a lack of effort, but I am one day past a colonoscopy, and two days into a cold/flu.
There really weren’t any great surprises this week, but 6 teams have claimed a spot in the playoffs, and the last two weeks should be interesting as the teams still in contention jockey for the remaining playoff spots.
WEEK 14 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
This week I went 12-4, bitches! This brings my Year to date record to 136-88. Not bad for a blind, deaf, bald old retard.
So, here are my week 15 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Oakland (H) | San Diego |
| Washington | Philadelphia (H) |
| New England | New York Jets (H) |
| Houston | Tennessee (H) |
| Kansas City (H) | Cleveland |
| Indianapolis | Miami (H) |
| Detroit (H) | San Francisco |
| Tampa Bay (H) | Chicago |
| Buffalo (H) | Dallas |
| Carolina | Atlanta (H) |
| Pittsburgh | Baltimore (H) |
| Jacksonville | New Orleans (H) |
| Seattle (H) | Saint Louis |
| Arizona (H) | Green Bay |
| Minnesota (H) | New York Giants |
| Cincinnati | Denver (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)
1888 – Vincent Van Gogh cuts off his own ear.
He’s no Lorena Bobbitt.
194 – Truman grants pardon to WWII draft dodgers.
He’s no Lorena Bobbitt.
1972 – Franco Harris makes the
Immaculate Reception”.
He’s worse than Lorena Bobbitt.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Team Deez Nuts kicked the living crap out of Chris Carter’s Fall Guys, despite MKE’s obviously superior team. This means I will advance to the finals to face Straight Out of Cobbton, Affectionately know as, Gabes.
May you rot in hell, Gabes.
Pro Tip: Check your lineup each week. It may be the difference between advancing to the championship, or playing for 3rd place, like MKE.
WHO’S HOT
KC and Seattle. Getting hot at the right time.
WHO’S NOT
Me. I feel like hot stinky ass.
YOU SAID IT
AllSaintsRow – Take this hippie everyone is special shit out of here…
MIB – Done, cunt.
JJavi2k3 – MIB said something nice about Cam. You are rad as fuck.
MIB – This may be the first sign of maturity I’ve noticed in you.
gatrbuc17 – MIB, MKE…I get the two mixed up often : )
MIB – First of all, wipe that stupid grin off your face. Secondly, it’s very easy to tell us apart. I’m a winner, and MKE is a loser.
Well, I hope this doesn’t get me fired.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Carolina Panthers | 14-0 | Merry Christmas! |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 12-2 | Kiss my ass. |
| 3 (3) | Kansas City Chiefs | 9-5 | Kiss your ass. |
| 4 (4) | New England Patriots | 12-2 | Kiss his ass. |
| 5 (5) | Seattle Seahawks | 9-5 | If I don't get this bonus check, I'm in it up to here. |
| 6 (6) | New York Jets | 9-5 | Eat shit. |
| 7 (7) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 9-5 | Fuck you. |
| 8 (8) | Cincinnati Bengals | 11-3 | Go to hell. |
| 9 (9) | Green Bay Packers | 10-4 | Smell my butt. |
| 10 (13) | Minnesota Vikings | 9-5 | Lick my sack. |
| 11 (15) | Washington Redskins | 7-7 | Choke on a scrotum. |
| 12 (10) | Denver Broncos | 10-4 | Pimple puss. |
| 13 (16) | Houston Texans | 7-7 | Goiter juice. |
| 14 (11) | Oakland Raiders | 6-8 | Rocky's rancid revenge. |
| 15 (12) | Philadelphia Eagles | 6-8 | Tip of the dick to you. |
| 16 (20) | Saint Louis Rams | 6-8 | My your children have festering boils. |
| 17 (14) | New York Giants | 6-8 | Ass gravy. |
| 18 (17) | Buffalo Bills | 6-8 | Blue waffle house. |
| 19 (18) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 6-8 | Anal gland. |
| 20 (19) | Indianapolis Colts | 6-8 | Festered taint. |
| 21 (25) | Atlanta Falcons | 7-7 | Moldy camel crotch. |
| 22 (21) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 5-9 | Montezuma's revenge. |
| 23 (22) | Chicago Bears | 5-9 | Fumunda cheese. |
| 24 (23) | Miami Dolphins | 5-9 | Dank dingle berry. |
| 25 (29) | Detroit Lions | 5-9 | Toasted snot. |
| 26 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 5-9 | Poison pussy |
| 27 (26) | Baltimore Ravens | 4-10 | Aunt Fanny's moldy lactate. |
| 28 (27) | Dallas Cowboys | 4-10 | Crusty Ebola infected ear wax. |
| 29 (28) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-10 | Sulfur scented shart. |
| 30 (32) | San Diego Chargers | 4-10 | Cauliflower cunt. |
| 31 (30) | Cleveland Browns | 3-11 | Sebastian Jackin' off juice. |
| 32 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 3-11 | Rancid rectal rendering. |