I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
It always amazes me how the sports media decides what to cover from one week to the next. With one week left in the regular season, the big stories seem to be Marshawn Lynch not talking to the media, the 5-9 Bears’ quarterback carousel, and Jim Harbaugh’s birthday cards.
In their defense, I have a small penis, and I don’t do a much better job.
In the NFC; Seattle, Green Bay, Detroit, Dallas, and Arizona have punched their tickets to the post season, while Carolina and Atlanta will duke it out for the final spot. In an interesting twist, if New Orleans were to win, and Atlanta and Carolina tied, a 6-8-2 team would make it into the playoffs over a 7-9 team. Ties are better than wins. Who knew?
The AFC is a little more interesting, in that there are three teams still in the hunt for the final playoff spot. I don’t see Baltimore and San Diego losing, but that, combined with a Houston win, could put the Texans in the playoffs. New England, Denver, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, and Pittsburgh have all earned another game.
Week 17 should still hold plenty of drama, as teams fight for seeding, home field advantage, and a week one bye.
This Day in History
On this day in 1932, the US Department of Interior built the Rocky Mountains, and set the state of Colorado on the path towards the legalization of marijuana.
December 23, 1989 the last confederate holdouts surrendered to Chelsea Clinton.
Finally, on this day in 2009, Prilly Nelson was awarded a patent for the “Jizz Invigorator”, allowing previously sterile men the ability to impregnate pygmy goats.
Who’s Hot
The Dallas fricken’ Cowboys! Who woulda thunk it?
Who’s Not
The New Orleans Saints. This almost seems too obvious to type.
You Said It
Cheeky Bastard – Scale of 1 to 10, how drunk is MIB when he writes these?
JJ – I’d have to say it’s a sliding scale. I start out sober as a judge, but by the time I hit the “Publish” button, I may as well be drunk texting my mother-in-law.
Natesweet – Haha. No. I did do a shadow penis puppet show back when I was 20ish though.
JJ – I think it just moved a little.
Big Deal – If you put 1 million monkeys with 1 million typewriters in a room for 1 million years, not a one of them would come up with drivel as ridiculous as the FYS Power Rankings.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 12-3 | You really handed it to the Jets. What ever, you're #1 |
| 2 (3) | Seattle Seahawks | 11-4 | Marshawn Lynch gives churlish interviews. |
| 3 (8) | Dallas Cowboys | 11-4 | You need to lose. I don't think I can handle a smug Jerry Jones, Howdy Doody, and the rest of your insane clown posy for another month. |
| 4 (5) | Green Bay Packers | 11-4 | I see Rodgers is already making excuses. In his best whiney voice: "I'm sick." "Oh, my leg hurts." |
| 5 (6) | Detroit Lions | 11-4 | You're not ready. Everybody drops a 50 burger on Chicago. |
| 6 (2) | Denver Broncos | 11-4 | He old. He slow. You're QB got no go. |
| 7 (9) | Cincinnati Bengals | 10-4-1 | I'm sure you'll be fine. Dalton is at least as good as Dilfer. Wait, Dilfer won some playoff games. Never mind. |
| 8 (11) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 10-5 | When I see Ben's bulbous nose, the whole rape thing makes more sense. |
| 9 (4) | Indianapolis Colts | 10-5 | ANDREW LUCK IS... not elite yet. |
| 10 (15) | San Diego Chargers | 9-6 | Come on Phillip! You only have one more chance to screw this up. We're all counting on you. |
| 11 (7) | Arizona Cardinals | 11-4 | You're kinda like that three legged dog named "Lucky" |
| 12 (20) | Houston Texans | 8-7 | JJ, bleeding does not make you tough, or cool, or win more games. Wipe that shit off your overgrown head. |
| 13 (10) | Baltimore Ravens | 9-6 | JJ hepatitis-C Watt scared the shit out of you, didn't he? |
| 14 (17) | Carolina Panthers | 6-8-1 | I'm really looking forward to your game this weekend. It should be a real stale fart. |
| 15 (18) | Miami Dolphins | 8-7 | On behalf of half of the National Football League, Thank you for winning. |
| 16 (24) | New York Giants | 6-9 | Eli, I think it would be a really heartwarming story if you donated a ligament to Peyton. |
| 17 (25) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-9 | You're ranked 17th. That's how much faith I have in you winning at home this coming week. |
| 18 (12) | Kansas City Chiefs | 8-7 | Andy Reed is a miracle worker. He has made Alex Smith average. |
| 19 (13) | Philadelphia Eagles | 9-6 | Congrats! You've set the NFL record for most worthless downs in a season. |
| 20 (14) | Buffalo Bills | 8-7 | Hey, don't feel bad. Oakland is a tough place to play. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |
| 21 (16) | New Orleans Saints | 6-9 | That is a really cool breakdown you do before every game. I hear you got it from the military. Please stop dishonoring them by using it. |
| 22 (19) | Saint Louis Rams | 6-9 | FISHER, HE RE-TOOLED YA THE NEW YORK GIANTS SCHOOLED YA NOW YOU'RE LOOKING FOOLISH AND YA TOOLS LOOK LIKE STOOLS, YO! |
| 23 (21) | Minnesota Vikings | 6-9 | Please beat the Bears. That is all. |
| 24 (26) | New York Jets | 3-12 | Playing with heart after the coach is fired, is the definition of "Bitchmade". |
| 25 (22) | Cleveland Browns | 7-8 | Turned down by Rex Grossman? GAH! |
| 26 (23) | San Francisco 49ers | 7-8 | I think I saw a highlight from your game. I think it might even have been one of yours. |
| 27 (29) | Oakland Raiders | 3-12 | You win and you draft lower. Can't you do anything right? |
| 28 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 3-12 | Yay. you won. |
| 29 (31) | Washington Redskins | 4-11 | One more week, and we can start talking about your racist name again. |
| 30 (27) | Chicago Bears | 5-10 | Watching an epileptic with irritable bowel syndrome would be more appealing. |
| 31 (30) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-13 | I heard Rodgers was sick when he went down on Lovie's D. You might want to have that thing checked out. |
| 32 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 2-13 | May God have mercy on your souls. |