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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 2 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

I realize it’s still early in the season, but the product the NFL is putting on the field is pure trash. It’s hard to watch games. Shitty announcers, crappy play, stupid penalties, TV timeouts, and empty stadiums. I get it. The NFL knows they own us. They’re making money hand over fist, and no matter how ugly the hooker, we’re still leaving a $20 on the nightstand. My problem is, I’m tired of getting hand jobs from Marty Feldman. I mean, for God sake, at least give us a happy ending.

I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer here. My Fantasy Football team, Harambe Bukkake, scored the most points in my league, and I kicked the living shit out of Mazed and Confused. Now that’s something we can all feel good about!

Now that I have you all smiling, and your genitals feel all warm and cozy, here come the rankings.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 20)

1806 – The returning Lewis and Clark reach the first white settlement on the Missouri. They were greeted by a raucous crowd of native Americans assembled for a Red Lives Matter rally.

1973 – King triumphs in Battle of Sexes. I have a hard time with this one. Bobby Riggs really wasn’t much of a man, and Billie Jean King was a bull dyke, so the way I figure it, the man still won.

1975 – The Bay City Rollers make their U.S. debut on Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell. It’s a wonder that SNL managed to survive this hellish fuckfest.

WHO’S HOT

Donald Trump. Threatened to wipe out a nation of 25 million people. Don’t fuck with this bad azz. Dudes drives golf carts on greens and gives zero fucks.

WHO’S NOT

Kim Jung-Un. The little “Rocketman” was totally pwnd by the POTUS in front of the UN.

YOU SAID IT

natesweet – Dropped the Bears a spot of hanging with the Falcons, huh?

MIB – That’s correct, and I’m dropping them another spot for losing to Tampa, because I’m the original hipster of power rankings when it comes to dropping teams who lose games. OH SNAP!

Donny – Good article MIB. Must be that sex you’re getting.

MIB – Thank you, Donald. The sex definitely helps, but I won’t really hit my stride until I can put the whole riding mower incident behind me.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
Kansas City Chiefs2-0At his pace, Andy Reid will be down to his jock strap by week 8.
2
(2)
Oakland Raiders2-0BOOM! look at who's No.2!
3
(3)
Pittsburgh Steelers2-0I appreciate Mike Tomlin saying that Mike Glennon looks "statuesque", but old Foxy's sticking with the giraffe.
4
(6)
Baltimore Ravens2-0Enjoy this while the offenses catch up to the defenses, and you realize you're stuck with Flacco.
5
(7)
New England Patriots1-1Embarrassing loss followed by an ass raping. Very Sanduskyesque of you.
6
(8)
Atlanta Falcons2-0Now I know that at 2-0 you're not feeling the love, but 28-3 is hard to forget.
7
(10)
Denver Broncos2-0I guess we can eliminate you as the mystery shitter.
8
(5)
Green Bay Packers1-1The Bears played better against the Falcons than you did. Let that sink in.
9
(4)
Dallas Cowboys1-1I can't wait for the sex scandal with Jerry Jones and a sock puppet named Winky.
10
(9)
Seattle Seahawks1-1Squeaking by the 49ers hardly warrants this ranking, but it should piss some people off, which is always nice.
11
(15)
Arizona Cardinals1-1Floating to the top like a partially aerated turd.
12
(14)
Carolina Panthers2-0Let me guess, you fellthat being 2-0 entitles you to be ranked higher. Here's a little secret, *whispers
I give zero fucks.
13
(16)
Houston Texans1-1Careful you don't get a nose bleed this high in the rankings.
14
(17)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers1-0Don't get too excited. Beating Mike Glennon and the Bears is the equivalent of punching a baby with downs syndrome.
15
(22)
Detroit Lions2-0Boo Hoo, "We should be higher."
The futile history of your fucked up franchise says otherwise.
16
(11)
Minnesota Vikings1-1Did you know you have a fan named Shooter who cringes ever time he hears your Viking horn because he was anally violated. Yep, this kind of sums up your franchise.
17
(12)
Buffalo Bills1-117 is probably too high, but there is so much suck below you.
18
(21)
Washington Redskins1-1So, you jumped ahead of the Giants by beating the Rams. As a power ranker, this makes me want to shoot myself in the face.
19
(20)
Miami Dolphins1-0I can't wait until you experience Jay Cutler first 4 INT game.
20
(13)
New York Giants0-2Next week, I may have to do a thing with a to 20 followed by T-32.
21
(19)
Philadelphia Eagles1-1You're hot then your cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down...
22
(18)
New Orleans Saints0-2You'll be in that T-32 club if you keep this up.
23
(23)
Jacksonville Jaguars1-1And your fan base whines that you get the least respect of a the Florida teams.
24
(24)
Los Angles Rams1-1Congratulations. You're the best team in LA.
25
(25)
Los Angles Chargers0-2Your loss total is quickly approaching your home attendance.
26
(29)
Tennessee Titans1-1You move up but stay right here. It always pisses people off when I rank a team behind the team they just beat.
27
(26)
Chicago Bears0-2Turbisky learning behind Glennon is like Jimmie Johnson learing from Rainman. "Dad let's me drive slow in the driveway."
28
(27)
Indianapolis Colts0-2If I wasn't sticking to football, I'd have AIDS and West Nile virus ranked ahead of you.
29
(28)
Cincinnati Bengals0-2This is what happens when you put your faith in a ginger.
30
(30)
San Francisco 49ers0-2Colon Crippledick is still available.
31
(31)
New York Jets0-2Try this out for a new cheer:
S-H-A-R-T SHART SHART SHART SHART!
32
(32)
Cleveland Browns0-2Somehow, starting Kizer seems antisemitic to me.