I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
What a difference a week makes (unless you live in Jacksonville or Oakland).
The following cities have been taken off suicide watch:
Baltimore, Chicago, Washington, Dallas, Boston, Cleveland, St Louis, San Diego, and Green Bay.
Suicide warnings have been issued for Indianapolis and New Orleans.
I would also like to remind the Jets, 49ers, Giants and Colts that the NFL has not shortened the games to three quarters. I would encourage your teams to come prepared to play a full 60 minutes next week.
Who’s Hot
The Buffalo Bills, coming off an impressive week one road win, return home this week and trounce a divisional opponent.
Who’s Not
The New Orleans Saints, specifically their defense, have now spotted the Carolina Panthers a 2 game lead in their division.
You Said it
Staffords erect penis – Yo, John Jedlicka imma let you finish, but you can’t have the Bears above the Bills after they just lost to the Bills at home.
JJ – Apparently you’re correct. You can’t blame me for doubting the Bills though.
AndrewLet – John’s lack of week one overreaction saddens me.
JJ – If it’s overreaction you want, prepare your angus! I’m about to tear these rankings a new one!
Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Philadelphia Eagles | 2-0 | Props, for now. I wouldn't mind seeing Washington wipe the stupid grin off Chip Kelly's face. |
| 2 (3) | Denver Broncos | 2-0 | Does Peyton hum the Nationwide jingle in the huddle? |
| 3 (4) | New England Patriots | 1-1 | Nothing like the Golden Gophers to get you back on track. |
| 4 (7) | Cincinnati Bengals | 2-0 | Who would have thought you'd be the one team in your division that wasn't harboring criminals? |
| 5 (10) | Arizona Cardinals | 2-0 | Drew Stanton is the next QB due for the $100 million plus contract! |
| 6 (23) | Buffalo Bills | 2-0 | Nothing as satisfying as flogging your dolphin! |
| 7 (1) | Seattle Seahawks | 1-1 | Have you considered importing the 12th man to your road games? |
| 8 (18) | Carolina Panthers | 2-0 | Doesn't it feel better stealing victories than laptops? |
| 9 (11) | Baltimore Ravens | 1-1 | Ray Rice has taught this team how to administer a proper beating. |
| 10 (16) | Houston Texans | 2-0 | JJ Watt may end up being the first offensive and defensive MVP. |
| 11 (15) | Chicago Bears | 1-1 | Cock-a-doodle-do! Wake up, it's the 4th quarter! |
| 12 (9) | Green Bay Packers | 1-1 | Classy of you to spot the Jets the Jets an 18 point lead. |
| 13 (22) | San Diego Chargers | 1-1 | We're gonna get some good derp faces, if Rivers keeps this up! |
| 14 (8) | Atlanta Falcons | 1-1 | WE'RE BACK!... Well, at least we're still here. |
| 15 (12) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-1 | Colin, what did you say?You little devil. |
| 16 (13) | Detroit Lions | 1-1 | Now, that's the Lions we've grown to know and love. |
| 17 (14) | New York Jets | 1-1 | TIME OUT! No, wait... nevermind. |
| 18 (17) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 1-1 | You're starting to show your age. |
| 19 (19) | Miami Dolphins | 1-1 | No reason to carry around the burden of living up to the 1972 teams perfect record. |
| 20 (20) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-1 | Time to reinstate AP. We can worry about the children later. |
| 21 (25) | Cleveland Browns | 1-1 | I was tempted to rank you higher, if only because you beat the Saints. Then I realized, you're still the Browns. |
| 22 (21) | Tennessee Titans | 1-1 | Don't feel too bad. I still have you ranked above the Cowboys, even if it is just out of spite. |
| 23 (6) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-2 | Luck will only take you so far. |
| 24 (5) | New Orleans Saints | 0-2 | It's not time to dust off the paper bags yet, but it wouldn't hurt to locate them. |
| 25 (27) | Washington Redskins | 1-1 | RG III gets the MVP for injuring himself. |
| 26 (28) | St Louis Rams | 1-1 | Settle down. You beat the Bucs. They have trouble with backup QBs. |
| 27 (24) | Tampa Bay Bucaneers | 0-2 | But, but, but... we hired Lovie Smith. Doesn't that guarantee wins? |
| 28 (26) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-2 | Well, at least you're consistent. |
| 29 (31) | Dallas Cowboys | 1-1 | If you're wondering why there are 0-2 teams above you, it's because I don't like you. |
| 30 (29) | Kansas City Chiefs | 0-2 | Bob Fescoe is one loss away from another epic rant. |
| 31 (30) | New York Giants | 0-2 | You guys are really making Eli look bad. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-2 | Somehow, Chris Berman still loves you. |