I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Referee Ed Hochuli might be in a bit of hot water. Cam Newton (no relation to Fig) was not happy when he didn’t receive a roughing the passer call during Sunday’s game against the Saints. According to Newton, Hochuli told him he wasn’t “old enough to get that call”.
Hochuli vehemently denied this, saying, “I didn’t give him the call because he is black.”
In other news, the Chicago Bears have traded Jarad Alan to the Carolina Panthers, and Jon Bostic to the New England Patriots for a pair of 6th round draft picks. These moves by Bears rookie GM Ryan Pace threw the Chicago media into panic mode. They now believe Jay Cutler, Matt Forte, Alshon Jeffery, and Virginia McCaskey are also on the trading block.
WEEK THREE RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings. It’s very simple: If your team is ranked higher than your opponent, I pick you to win. I don’t care about who’s home or away, or where the “wise guys” set the spread.
In week three, I went 13-3. This puts me at 34-14 on the season. This is empirical, scientifical evidence that I am a genius, and you are fortunate to have access to the most accurate power rankings available to mankind. Keep this in mind the next time you asshats want to criticize my rankings.
So, here’s this weeks predictions.
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Pittsburgh (H) | Baltimore |
| Miami (H) | New York Jets |
| Indianapolis (H) | Jacksonville |
| Buffalo (H) | New York Giants |
| Carolina | Tampa Bay (H) |
| Philadelphia | Washington (H) |
| Oakland | Chicago (H) |
| Atlanta (H) | Houston |
| Cincinnati (H) | Kansas City |
| San Diego (H) | Cleveland |
| Green Bay | San Francisco (H) |
| Arizona (H) | St Louis |
| Denver (H) | Minnesota |
| Dallas | New Orleans (H) |
| Seattle (H) | Detroit |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 30)
1889 – Wyoming legislators write the first state constitution to grant women the vote. THANKS OBAMA!
1927 – Babe Ruth hits 60th home run of the season. A record that would stand until Roger Maris broke it in 1961. This is only slightly longer than the Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver touchdown drought, which the Packers broke on Monday night.
1955 – James Dean dies in a car accident. Back then, when people “left forever”, it meant something.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Deez Nuts suffered a minor setback in week three, but you’ll be happy to know I’m still leading my division.
Bye weeks begin in the NFL. Set your rosters accordingly.
Pro Tip: Start the guys who are going to perform well.
WHO’S HOT
Aaron Rodgers: Through three games, Rodgers has 10 touchdowns, zero interceptions, and and other worldly 135.4 quarterback rating. Thank god we have NASA, to prove he’s from another planet.
WHO’S NOT
The pope: According to Casanova Highlander, “Hey I’m the pope check out my gay hat and my stupid staff that doesn’t even have any magical powers.”
Spot on! A staff without magical powers. Pffft!
YOU SAID IT
LKP – Time for Detroit home games.
Can’t wait.
JJ – Apparently, the lions didn’t get your memo.
Donny – A lot of blood, sweat, and Jack Daniels went into these power rankings
JJ – You have no way to prove I put any blood or sweat into these rankings.
LoW – Why do I feel people just posted “Bears too high” without even checking rankings? That is sad.
Oh BTW Bears too high.
JJ – Thanks for reading my rankings.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 3-0 | New England has an early bye week. Coaches and assistants are still required to report to future opponents meeting rooms. Man, that Belichick is a slave driver. |
| 2 (2) | Green Bay Packers` | 3-0 | Refs throw timely flag to prevent Godgers first turnover of the season. |
| 3 (3) | Arizona Cardinals | 3-0 | I just found out, an Arnold Palmer is ice tea and lemonade, and a Carson Palmer in a hand job with a reach around. (Hard to believe, but this is less offensive than my original comment) |
| 4 (4) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-0 | Andy Dalton is setting Bengals fans up for a whale of a disappointment. |
| 5 (5) | Denver Broncos | 3-0 | Trainer - "Peyton, how many fingers do you see?" Peyton - "Ten." Trainer - "Whew! his arm hasn't fallen off yet." |
| 6 (10) | Seattle Seahawks | 1-2 | "There! Now you see, that was a good call. Sure, the ball took a 90 degree bounce off our player's leg, but it didn't hit him. I'm very happy with instant replay this week." - Pete Carroll |
| 7 (11) | Carolina Panthers | 3-0 | Cam, you'll get those calls when you've been around a few more years. |
| 8 (6) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-1 | Giggity! A win without the rapist! |
| 9 (12) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-1 | Screw Ragnar! AMIRITE! |
| 10 (16) | Buffalo Bills | 2-1 | I did some research, and I found out you're not a Canadian team. I'm jumping on the MURICAN bandwagon! |
| 11 (17) | Atlanta Falcons | 3-0 | This is the week you screw me on my picks based n rankings. |
| 12 (8) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-2 | You just got your ass kicked by the #24 pick in the draft Alex Smith was picked #1 overall. |
| 13 (9) | Miami Dolphins | 1-2 | Slip slidin' away. SLIP SLIDIN' AWAAAAAY! You know the nearer the destination, the more you're slip slidin' away. |
| 14 (7) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-1 | DeMarco is curled up in a ball laughing his ass off. |
| 15 (13) | New York Jets | 2-1 | J. E. T. S. SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK! |
| 16 (19) | Indianapolis Colts | 1-2 | I admire the way you grinded a win against the Titans. JK, but at least you won. |
| 17 (14) | Baltimore Ravens | 0-3 | GRRRRR! Would you frickin' win already?! I'm tired of defending your ranking. |
| 18 (20) | Houston Texans | 1-2 | The only thing that pisses me off more about Texas than your underachieving team is the Cowboys, and Horse. |
| 19 (15) | San Diego Chargers | 1-2 | You disappoint God, and that's hard t do. |
| 20 (18) | St Louis Rams | 1-2 | I was going to go with; Peepoopeepoopeepoo... but you haven't earned that yet. |
| 21 (23) | Oakland Raiders | 2-1 | Do you have ANY idea how disappointed your fans are going to be when you lose to the Bears? |
| 22 (27) | New York Giants | 1-2 | You must have beaten someone. I can't remember why I moved you up. |
| 23 (29) | Philadelphia Eagles | 1-2 | Chip Kelly is still an asshat. I hope he wins enough to keep his job. |
| 24 (21) | Detroit Lions | 0-3 | 59 years of negative shit. What could I possibly add? |
| 25 (22) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-2 | If I were a SF fan, I would call my dick a Kaeper Knuckle. |
| 26 (24) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-2 | DAMN! YOU SUCK! |
| 27 (25) | Cleveland Browns | 1-2 | The Bears are ranked 32. They benched their starting QB for McCown. Just saying. |
| 28 (26) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-2 | I moved you down because you lost. I haven't ruled you out from winning your division. |
| 29 (28) | Washington Redskins | 1-2 | Can it really hurt to change your name at this point? |
| 30 (30) | Tennessee Titans | 1-2 | Damn, lost by 2 shitty little points. TO THE FRICKEN' COLTS! HAHAHAHAHA! |
| 31 (31) | New Orleans Saints | 0-3 | Honorary #31. It's only because I'm a Bear fan, and I'm too much of a pussy to rank the "Bears to high". |
| 32 (32) | Chicago Bears | 0-3 | I still love you. |