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Can't Miss Slants

FYS week 3 power rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Referee Ed Hochuli might be in a bit of hot water. Cam Newton (no relation to Fig) was not happy when he didn’t receive a roughing the passer call during Sunday’s game against the Saints. According to Newton, Hochuli told him he wasn’t “old enough to get that call”.

Hochuli vehemently denied  this, saying, “I didn’t give him the call because he is black.”

In other news, the Chicago Bears have traded Jarad Alan to the Carolina Panthers, and Jon Bostic to the New England Patriots for a pair of 6th round draft picks. These moves by Bears rookie GM Ryan Pace threw the Chicago media into panic mode. They now believe Jay Cutler, Matt Forte, Alshon Jeffery, and Virginia McCaskey are also on the trading block.

WEEK THREE RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings. It’s very simple: If your team is ranked higher than your opponent, I pick you to win. I don’t care about who’s home or away, or where the “wise guys” set the spread.

In week three, I went 13-3. This puts me at 34-14 on the season. This is empirical, scientifical evidence that I am a genius, and you are fortunate to have access to the most accurate power rankings available to mankind. Keep this in mind the next time you asshats want to criticize my rankings.

So, here’s this weeks predictions.

WinnerLoser
Pittsburgh (H)Baltimore
Miami (H)New York Jets
Indianapolis (H)Jacksonville
Buffalo (H)New York Giants
CarolinaTampa Bay (H)
PhiladelphiaWashington (H)
OaklandChicago (H)
Atlanta (H)Houston
Cincinnati (H)Kansas City
San Diego (H)Cleveland
Green BaySan Francisco (H)
Arizona (H)St Louis
Denver (H)Minnesota
DallasNew Orleans (H)
Seattle (H)Detroit

 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (SEPTEMBER 30)

1889 – Wyoming legislators write the first state constitution to grant women the vote. THANKS OBAMA!

1927 – Babe Ruth hits 60th home run of the season. A record that would stand until Roger Maris broke it in 1961. This is only slightly longer than the Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver touchdown drought, which the Packers broke on Monday night.

1955 – James Dean dies in a car accident. Back then, when people “left forever”, it meant something.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

Deez Nuts suffered a minor setback in week three, but you’ll be happy to know I’m still leading my division.

Bye weeks begin in the NFL. Set your rosters accordingly.

Pro Tip: Start the guys who are going to perform well.

WHO’S HOT

Aaron Rodgers: Through three games, Rodgers has 10 touchdowns, zero interceptions, and and other worldly 135.4 quarterback rating. Thank god we have NASA, to prove he’s from another planet.

WHO’S NOT

The pope: According to Casanova Highlander, “Hey I’m the pope check out my gay hat and my stupid staff that doesn’t even have any magical powers.”

Spot on! A staff without magical powers. Pffft!

YOU SAID IT

LKP – Time for Detroit home games.
Can’t wait.

JJ – Apparently, the lions didn’t get your memo.

Donny – A lot of blood, sweat, and Jack Daniels went into these power rankings

JJ – You have no way to prove I put any blood or sweat into these rankings.

LoW – Why do I feel people just posted “Bears too high” without even checking rankings? That is sad.
Oh BTW Bears too high.

JJ – Thanks for reading my rankings.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
New England Patriots3-0New England has an early bye week. Coaches and assistants are still required to report to future opponents meeting rooms.
Man, that Belichick is a slave driver.
2
(2)
Green Bay Packers`3-0Refs throw timely flag to prevent Godgers first turnover of the season.
3
(3)
Arizona Cardinals3-0I just found out, an Arnold Palmer is ice tea and lemonade, and a Carson Palmer in a hand job with a reach around. (Hard to believe, but this is less offensive than my original comment)
4
(4)
Cincinnati Bengals3-0Andy Dalton is setting Bengals fans up for a whale of a disappointment.
5
(5)
Denver Broncos3-0Trainer - "Peyton, how many fingers do you see?"
Peyton - "Ten."
Trainer - "Whew! his arm hasn't fallen off yet."
6
(10)
Seattle Seahawks1-2"There! Now you see, that was a good call. Sure, the ball took a 90 degree bounce off our player's leg, but it didn't hit him. I'm very happy with instant replay this week."
- Pete Carroll
7
(11)
Carolina Panthers3-0Cam, you'll get those calls when you've been around a few more years.
8
(6)
Pittsburgh Steelers2-1Giggity! A win without the rapist!
9
(12)
Minnesota Vikings2-1Screw Ragnar!
AMIRITE!
10
(16)
Buffalo Bills2-1I did some research, and I found out you're not a Canadian team.
I'm jumping on the MURICAN bandwagon!
11
(17)
Atlanta Falcons3-0This is the week you screw me on my picks based n rankings.
12
(8)
Kansas City Chiefs1-2You just got your ass kicked by the #24 pick in the draft Alex Smith was picked #1 overall.
13
(9)
Miami Dolphins1-2Slip slidin' away.
SLIP SLIDIN' AWAAAAAY!
You know the nearer the destination, the more you're slip slidin' away.
14
(7)
Dallas Cowboys2-1DeMarco is curled up in a ball laughing his ass off.
15
(13)
New York Jets2-1J. E. T. S.
SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!
16
(19)
Indianapolis Colts1-2I admire the way you grinded a win against the Titans.
JK, but at least you won.
17
(14)
Baltimore Ravens0-3GRRRRR!
Would you frickin' win already?!
I'm tired of defending your ranking.
18
(20)
Houston Texans1-2The only thing that pisses me off more about Texas than your underachieving team is the Cowboys, and Horse.
19
(15)
San Diego Chargers1-2You disappoint God, and that's hard t do.
20
(18)
St Louis Rams1-2I was going to go with; Peepoopeepoopeepoo...
but you haven't earned that yet.
21
(23)
Oakland Raiders2-1Do you have ANY idea how disappointed your fans are going to be when you lose to the Bears?
22
(27)
New York Giants1-2You must have beaten someone. I can't remember why I moved you up.
23
(29)
Philadelphia Eagles1-2Chip Kelly is still an asshat. I hope he wins enough to keep his job.
24
(21)
Detroit Lions0-359 years of negative shit. What could I possibly add?
25
(22)
San Francisco 49ers1-2If I were a SF fan, I would call my dick a Kaeper Knuckle.
26
(24)
Jacksonville Jaguars1-2DAMN! YOU SUCK!
27
(25)
Cleveland Browns1-2The Bears are ranked 32. They benched their starting QB for McCown.
Just saying.
28
(26)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers1-2I moved you down because you lost.
I haven't ruled you out from winning your division.
29
(28)
Washington Redskins1-2Can it really hurt to change your name at this point?
30
(30)
Tennessee Titans1-2Damn, lost by 2 shitty little points.
TO THE FRICKEN' COLTS!
HAHAHAHAHA!
31
(31)
New Orleans Saints0-3Honorary #31.
It's only because I'm a Bear fan, and I'm too much of a pussy to rank the "Bears to high".
32
(32)
Chicago Bears0-3I still love you.