I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
The following is an excerpt from a conversation which took place earlier this week.
Here’s something interesting: Eradicating power rankers would have very little impact on their respective ecosystems. There is literally no benefit to their existence.
Oh really? Might I rebut?
If it weren’t for power rankers, the population on earth would be maxed out causing wide spread riots over food, medicine, water, etc. Marshall law would be in constant effect, and basic freedoms wouldn’t be available today.
Power rankers, conversely, also keep other disease in check in a twisted way. Because they kill so many people, there are fewer outbreaks (relatively speaking) of other transmutable diseases.
*Drops microscope*
Science’d like a boss!
Who’s Hot
How about those Ravens? They are coming of their third win in a row, and seem to be picking up momentum.
Who’s Not
My beloved Chicago Bears. Losing to the Packers is nothing new, but a lack of defense makes me shudder.
You Said it
thenichels – Dammit John, you should have put the Saints one spot above the Falcons, just for the rage it would have created here.
JJ – I shall not tarnish the integrity of my power rankings for edifice of your incipient homeristic base urges!
bp – This place died as soon as I published these rankings.
JJ – I silence the lies and rock the truth!
Time to Rank ’em and Spank ’em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-0 | All you have to do is go 13 weeks without an injury, and you should be fine. |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 3-0 | A relaxing weekend off, watching the division tighten up. |
| 3 (4) | Denver Broncos | 2-1 | Chiefs and Chargers be comin', Yo. |
| 4 (5) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-1 | This is the second week nobody thew in Sherman's direction. |
| 5 (6) | Baltimore Ravens | 3-1 | Jon Harbaugh says he has no interest in the University of Michigan. Welcome to the bandwagon. |
| 6 (7) | San Diego Chargers | 3-1 | Jacksonville can make any team feel invincible. |
| 7 (3) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-1 | Apparently your offense will have two bye weeks. |
| 8 (11) | Houston Texans | 3-1 | J J Watt left, J J Watt right, J J Watt up the middle. I like it! |
| 9 (12) | Detroit Lions | 3-1 | Your new found disciple is very annoying to me. |
| 10 (16) | Dallas Cowboys | 3-1 | Jerry Jones is going to be an insufferable prick until you lose. |
| 11 (19) | Green Bay Packers | 2-2 | R-E-L-A-X B-E-A-R-S |
| 12 (17) | San Francisco 49ers | 2-2 | Congrats on holding the Eagles to 0 offensive points, and still almost finding a way to lose. |
| 13 (22) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-2 | Looks who's found a QB. |
| 14 (24) | Kansas City Chiefs | 2-2 | Kudos for curb stomping the Pats. |
| 15 (29) | New York Giants | 2-2 | Now that's the Eli nobody remembers. |
| 16 (9) | Chicago Bears | 2-2 | "We're going to keep Aaron Rodgers in the pocket, and make him beat us with his arm?" -Mel Fucker |
| 17 (8) | New England Patriots | 2-2 | That was some good old fashioned Kansas City barbeque. |
| 18 (10) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-2 | You shouldn't have wasted all of that offense on the Bucs. |
| 19 (23) | Indianapolis Colts | 2-2 | You're just lucky Whisenhunt waited a week to simplify his offensive scheme. |
| 20 (20) | Cleveland Browns | 1-2 | All of the sudden, beating the Saints doesn't look that impressive. |
| 21 (28) | Miami Dolphins | 2-2 | You get the 7 spot Raider bump. |
| 22 (13) | Buffalo Bills | 2-2 | Neck Beard returns! |
| 23 (14) | Carolina Panthers | 2-2 | I'm trying to remember. Defense is your strong point, right? |
| 24 (15) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-2 | Gah! You lost to the Bucs! |
| 25 (18) | New York Jets | 1-3 | Apparently, Rex Ryan is not allowed to make changes at quarterback. He and the owner must have gotten off on the wrong foot. |
| 26 (21) | New Orleans Saints | 1-3 | OMG! Brees is human after all. |
| 27 (27) | Saint Louis Rams | 1-2 | You get bye. You no go up. You no go down. |
| 28 (25) | Tennessee Titans | 1-3 | Cleveland looks like a trap game, with Jacksonville looming in two weeks. |
| 29 (26) | Washington Redskins | 1-3 | When do you plan on rocking that new South Park logo? |
| 30 (31) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-3 | What do Josh McCown and 5.7 million in dead money have in common? |
| 31 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-4 | The first step is admitting you have a problem. One spot jump for firing your coach. |
| 32 (30) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-4 | Somehow, the world feels right again. |