I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
The ranks of the undefeated have thinned. The remaining undefeated teams are the New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals, Carolina Panthers, and Denver Broncos.
Sadly, the Green Bay Packers traveled to Denver, and were beaten like a red headed step children…no. They were massacred like the Indians at wounded knee…no. They got finished early, unlike Donny’s deck…no. They were bent over and breech loaded like…well, your mother. Yes, that’s it!
At any rate, they lost.
Funny thing is, the league is so abysmal, even the 1-7 LOLions are still in the playoff mix.
One more thing; Snickers or Baby Ruth?
WEEK 8 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.
Not a bad week. I managed to go 10-4, which obviously means I’m honing in on the contenders! This brings my year too date total to 78-42.
Not bad for a dumb motherfucker. Right, MKE?
So, here are my week 8 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Cincinnati (H) | Cleveland |
| Carolina (H) | Green Bay |
| New England (H) | Washington |
| New Orleans (H) | Tennessee |
| Buffalo (H) | Miami |
| Minnesota (H) | Saint Louis |
| New York Jets (H) | Jacksonville |
| Oakland | Pittsburgh (H) |
| New York Giants | Tampa (H) |
| Atlanta | San Francisco (H) |
| Denver | Indianapolis (H) |
| Philadelphia | Dallas (H) |
| Chicago | San Diego (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 28)
1922 – The entrance to King Tut’s tomb is discovered.
I sure wish your mother could have held out this long.
1948 – T.S. Elliot wins Nobel prize for Literature.
Read his shit. It will make you a better person.
2008 – Barak Obama is elected the United States first black president.
DEAL WITH IT!
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Turns out, I’m an idiot savant. My idiot is fairly obvious, but the savant…Huh Huh Huh Huh! I’m borderline Fantasy Football genius! Deez Nuts improved to 7-1 on the season, beating Team Horse 123 to 86.
Pro tip: Don’t be Gabes
WHO’S HOT
The Deflators. Perhaps it’s just your dreams they deflate?
WHO’S NOT
Sinse there are only 10 teams with a record better than .500, I’m going to say, the rest of you. YOU KNOW WH YOU ARE!
YOU SAID IT
thenichels – Skip Bayless and Steven A Smith could come up with better power rankings than this.
MIB – Yes, and you would argue just as hard with those idiots.
bp = I love MIB more than ever before
MIB – *blushes
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 7-0 | If the redskins need to change their name, so do you. You're the original racists. |
| 2 (2) | Cincinnati Bengals | 7-0 | Skyline chili. Enough said. |
| 3 (4) | Carolina Panthers | 7-0 | Took Indy to overtime. Hmm, impressive. |
| 4 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 6-2 | Who in God's name gives rattlesnake warnings to Trick-or-Treaters? You suck. |
| 5 (9) | Denver Broncos | 7-0 | Hmm, you beat the Packers? Free pass! |
| 6 (7) | Minnesota Vikings | 5-2 | What in the hell is lutefisk? |
| 7 (3) | Green Bay Packers | 6-1 | Rodgers still has trade value. Just saying. |
| 8 (6) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-2 | NFL fans jokingly call them "Tampon Bay"., and you lost to them. |
| 9 (11) | Saint Louis Rams | 4-3 | You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a pile of shit. |
| 10 (12) | Oakland Raiders | 4-3 | You know what? Fuck you! |
| 11 (13) | Seattle Seahawks | 4-4 | Creeping up the ladder. Be careful, that ladder is covered in feces. |
| 12 (8) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 4-4 | Rapist>Dog killer Who would of thunk it? |
| 13 (18) | New Orleans Saints | 4-4 | NFC SOUTH! AMIRITE! |
| 14 (10) | New York Jets | 4-3 | I had to double check my notes. Yup, you lost to the Jacksonville Jackwagons. |
| 15 (15) | Buffalo Bills | 3-4 | You stayed at 15. Not bad for a team on their bye week. |
| 16 (16) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-4 | Chip Kelly coaches the fastest bye week I've ever seen! |
| 17 (14) | New York Giants | 4-4 | Change your name to gnats. It fits you better. |
| 18 (22) | Houston Texans | 3-5 | GOLL DANRN, AND HOOTY-HOO! Y'ALL BEAT THE TITANS! |
| 19 19) | Washington Redskins | 3-4 | You have too be asking yourselves, "We got the better Gruden, right? |
| 20 (17) | Indianapolis Colts | 3-5 | Luck. Um, not to rain on your parade, but 3 interceptions is not what I would call "luck". |
| 21 (24) | Kansas City Chiefs | 3-5 | The Lions are like a fine glass of 25 year old scotch, a hot tub, and a fine cigar. (unless you're the Bears) |
| 22 (26) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 3-4 | I REALLY wanted to jump you over the Falcons, but even a degenerate, down on my luck drunk like me has standards. |
| 23 (20) | Miami Dolphins | 3-4 | Now you know how the British felt. |
| 24 (28) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-6 | Yay! You won a game of fooseball! |
| 25 (25) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-5 | Jacksonville Jackoffs. AMIRITE! |
| 26 (21) | Chicago Bears | 2-5 | That was the wrong MCL too strain. |
| 27 (23) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-5 | Can Dez throw? No? You're screwed. |
| 28 (27) | Cleveland Browns | 2-6 | GOD! You're infuriating, and I couldn't stand you to begin with. |
| 29 (29) | San Diegoo Chargers | 2-6 | Big game Monday night! It's OK, we all expect you to find an excruciatingly painful way to lose. |
| 30 (30) | San Francisco 49ers | 2-6 | More like Kaeperdick. AMIRITE! |
| 31 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 1-6 | Remember the Whisenhunts! |
| 32 (32) | Detroit Lions | 1-7 | I've noticed a marked improvement in how quickly you backup when a flag is thrown. |