I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
If you like high scoring weeks – this was your week! Unless you happened to be on the wrong end an ass whooping. I’m looking at you – Bears, Packer, and Colt fans! These three teams were beat by 38, 21, and 20 points, respectively. If you are looking for a bright side, at least they were on the road. The Jets allowed the Bills to come to their house, build a wood shed, and take them out back to beat them.
Not that you pay any attention to my rankings, but if you had, you may have noticed that the teams ranked 3-8 all lost, and the teams ranked 9-17 all won. (with the exception of the San Francisco 49ers who had a bye). Now, you could say this is proves that my rankings suck. Perhaps you’re a true fan, and realize this is the NFL – “Any given Sunday!”
I prefer to look at it as the perfect opportunity for me to blow up the rankings midway through the season
“Just call on me brother, when you need a hand! We all need somebody to lean on.” I think this would be a fantastic theme song for Aaron Rodgers. When he’s not on his game, the Packers look an awful lot like the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Also, Andrew Luck is a caveman. You shall see that reflected in my rankings.
In any case, it’s time to come correct!
Who’s Hot?
Whether it’s smoke, mirrors, or some evil combination of the two, the Arizona Cardinals are putting together a nice season. Imagine what they could do if they had a few key players back.
Who’s Not?
The Chicago Bears have lost any resemblance to an identity. Angry lesbian coaches will do that to a team.
You Said It
Staffords_Glove – I’m not ready to declare the Packers defense anything yet, until after Sunday. IMO that’s a test.
JJ – They gave up 193 yards on the ground, and another 311 through the air. I think we can declare them junk.
LambeauOrWrigley – The only teams that affect the Packers are:
1. Teams with a good running game – not Saints (193 yds)
2. Teams with formidable front 7 D that can pass rush – not Saints (4 sacks, 5 TFL, 5 QB hits)
3. Teams with good cover DBs who can hold one-on-one – not Saints (4 PD, 2 int)
JJ – You forgot one:
4. The Saints
It’s Time to Rank ’em and Spank ’em!
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Denver Broncos | 6-1 | I spent a lot of time on Thursday studying Peyton Manning's forehead. |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 6-1 | Aren't you glad Chicago chose Trestman over Arians? |
| 3 (10) | New England Patriots | 6-2 | If anybody could herd cats, it's Bill belichick. |
| 4 (5) | Philadelphia Eagles | 5-2 | I hope you appreciate this. Do you have any idea how much shit I'm going to take, for moving you up after a loss? |
| 5 (3) | Dallas Cowboys | 6-2 | YES! The slide has begun! |
| 6 (9) | Detroit Lions | 6-2 | People can bitch about the final field goal all they want. The comeback showed character you haven't displayed in the past. |
| 7 (11) | Cincinnati Bengals | 4-2-1 | You beat the Ravens, so here you are, however, I'm not convinced that Cleveland won't take the division. |
| 8 (8) | San Diego Chargers | 5-3 | Ha! The fan base that will be most upset with my Philly ranking. |
| 9 (6) | Baltimore Ravens | 5-3 | It was definitely offensive pass interference. Quit your bitching. |
| 10 (4) | Indianapolis Colts | 5-3 | How do you make Roethlisberger look like Arron Rodgers? |
| 11 (15) | Kansas City Chiefs | 4-3 | Don't let this go to your head. This has more to do with your coach than your team. |
| 12 (12) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-3 | Bye |
| 13 (13) | Buffalo Bills | 5-3 | Kyle Orton threw for 10 completions. 4 of those went for touchdowns. Kyle Orton is elite! |
| 14 (7) | Green Bay Packers | 5-3 | You're one hamstring away from 32. |
| 15 (16) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 5-3 | Dropping 51 on Indy is not enough to convince me you deserve to be any higher. |
| 16 (14) | Miami Dolphins | 4-3 | Ah! The second most pissed off fan base. Why did I drop you after a win? Because, fuck you, that's why. |
| 17 (17) | Seattle Seahawks | 4-3 | Congratulations, your average. |
| 18 (19) | Houston Texans | 4-4 | If you had 2 J J Watt's, I'd have you at #1. |
| 19 (21) | Cleveland Browns | 4-3 | Now that basketball has started, I am contractually required to shift my focus to LeBron. |
| 20 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 3-4 | This is more of a thank you for beating the Packers, than a reflection of where you should be in the rankings. |
| 21 (18) | Carolina Panthers | 3-4-1 | You seem to have misplaced your offense. |
| 22 (22) | New York Giants | 3-4 | Bye |
| 23 (26) | Washington Redskins | 3-5 | I was actually impressed that you had the courage to start a third string QB. Let's see if you have the balls to stick with him. |
| 24 (29) | Minnesota Vikings | 3-5 | I may be rewarding you too much for beating the Bucs, but the Bears must be punished. |
| 25 (20) | Chicago Bears | 3-5 | In all my years, I don't think I've seen such a colossal waste of talent. Through 8 games, you have my vote for underachievers of the year. |
| 26 (25) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-6 | Did anyone else notice Matt Ryan had a WWCD bracelet on? |
| 27 (23)` | St Louis Rams | 2-5 | Bad enough sucking hind tit in the division. Now, you get cunt punched by your interstate rivals. |
| 28 (29) | Tennessee Titans | 2-6 | I appreciate you keeping your promise not to make me learn who's on your roster. |
| 29 (27) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-6 | Can you believe there are idiots in Chicago wishing they had Lovie back? |
| 30 (30) | New York Jets | 1-7 | Tough decision; do you start the guy who threw 3 INTs, or the one with the 46%completions, for a 3.6 yd average? |
| 31 (31) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-7 | Oakland is dammed determined to hold onto that #1 pick. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-7 | Perfection is within your grasp. |