I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
“You’re gonna eat lightening, and You’re gonna crap thunder!”
Proctologistics
This week in the NFL didn’t happen.
Were there games? Yes. Were there winners and losers? Yes. The truth of the matter is; three of the four NFC North teams had byes, which means, this week doesn’t count.
NO ONE CARES!
IN the news:
The NFL’s proposed concussion settlement will go forward sans 200 individuals who chose to drop out. Close to 34,000 plaintiffs, including former players and family members of deceased players are included in the settlement.
The Green Bay Packers have signed head coach Mike McCarthy to an extension. While the details are not yet out, fans across the league rejoice in knowing that the Abbott and Costello duo, Thompson and McCarthy, who have kept the Packers from achieving their potential, are locked in for a few more years of Aaron Rodgers prime.
Who’s Hot
The New England Patriots will enter their bye week on a five game winning streak.
Who’s Not
The San Francisco 49ers are coming off their second consecutive loss, and their second loss at home this season.
You Said It
Mwadchew spadfurd – Why does MiB always quote JJ in his power rankings?
JJ– As a child wandering the desert, I searched for knowledge and answers, and JJ was always spot on.
Buhlitz – Right now, somewhere out there, Mel Tucker is in a dark room watching film with fight music in the background. He knows that a win in Green Bay can save his job and he’s all coked up and drawing out crazy blitz plays with crayons. He’s going to unleash a masterpiece up in that hell hole
JJ – Well said.
Building With the Alabama Hammer – this article is already boring. Someone publish a new one.
JJ – I couldn’t agree with you more completely!
It’s Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em!
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 7-1 | Slant in and fall. I'll toss the ball right at the defender. When it bounces to you, catch it, and get up and jump in the end zone. On two. Ready - BREAK! |
| 2 (3) | New England patriots | 7-2 | Belichick+Brady+Gronk+Home field= Ass Whoopin' |
| 3 (4) | Philadelphia Eagles | 6-2 | Hot off the press: Buttfumble Gets Second Chance! |
| 4 (1) | Denver Broncos | 6-2 | (to the tune of Jessie's girl) I wish that I had Brady's Bitch. I wish that I had Brady's Bitch. Where can I find a QB like that? |
| 5 (7) | Cincinnati Bengals | 5-2-1 | With A J Green back, and Tyler Eifert set to come off injured reserve, Cincinnati is Happyland. Don't let Cleveland spoil the party. |
| 6 (6) | Detroit Lions | 6-2 | You are a team know for second half collapses, and there are exactly 8 games left. Coincidence? |
| 7 (10) | Indianapolis Colts | 6-3 | Nothing like a dose of the New York Gnats to get the body healthy! |
| 8 (11) | Kansas City Chiefs | 5-3 | With the Royals done, you’re the cities only hope, and I mean only hope. |
| 9 (5) | Dallas Cowboys | 6-3 | Romo's injury will give you a terrific excuse, as you tank the rest of your season. |
| 10 (15) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-3 | Bold Prediction: If Big Ben throws six TDs every week from here on out, I predict you will win the Superbowl. |
| 11 (16) | Miami Dolphins | 5-3 | Tannehill or Tannehont. Will he will, or will he won't? We'll see. |
| 12 (17) | Seattle Seahawks | 5-3 | Hard to believe Richard Sherman just snagged his first interception of the year. Seriously. Can we stop talking about him now? |
| 13 (13) | Buffalo Bills | 5-3 | You continue to be a hard team to read. I think I'll wait until you come out in an audio version. |
| 14 (14) | Green Bay Packers | 5-3 | Sphincters in Green Bay will be tighter than a drum, hoping Rodger's hammy hangs in there. |
| 15 (8) | San Diego Chargers | 5-4 | That's more like it! I was beginning to wonder if I might have to change my opinion about Phillip Rivers. |
| 16 (19) | Cleveland Browns | 5-3 | Who'd a thunk you crotch muscles would have a chance to take the lead in your division nine games into the season? |
| 17 (9) | Baltimore Ravens | 5-4 | The Beatdown in Steeltown. I like it. It has a nice ring to it. |
| 18 (12) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-4 | Rough week for the Harbaughs. How does it feel to be Kaepernicked, Colin? |
| 19 (20) | New Orleans Saints | 4-4 | Congratulations, you're the best of the worst. |
| 20 (24) | Minnesota Vikings | 4-5 | Playing in a college stadium suits you well. |
| 21 (18) | Houston Texans | 4-5 | I didn't think it was possible to run out of gas in Texas. |
| 22 (21) | Carolina Panthers | 3-5-1 | The maturity of Cam Newton is evident. I can see him taking responsibility for losses, for years to come. |
| 23 (27) | Saint Louis Rams | 3-5 | Any team who beats the 9ers, is a friend of miner. |
| 24 (22) | New York Giants | 3-5 | I hope you realize, there is no need to spread crap on field turf. |
| 25 (25) | Chicago Bears | 3-5 | Big week ahead. I hope you all read crayon. |
| 26 (26) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-6 | Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, winning the division is our only hope. |
| 27 (23) | Washington Redskins | 3-6 | You have no idea how good it makes me feel, to see you beat Dallas and lose to Minneapolis. |
| 28 (28) | Tennessee Titans | 2-6 | Football's like a ship on the ocean You've been sailing with a cargo full of, love and devotion Oh, and you suck. |
| 29 (29) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-7 | When is Lovie going to pull the trigger and sign Rex Grossman? |
| 30 (30) | New York Jets | 1-8 | You know what I call salt on the wound? Watching Sanchez lead the Eagles on a game winning drive. |
| 31 (31)` | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-8 | I'm really hoping they leave you in London. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-8 | Looking at your schedule going forward, 0-16 is well within your grasp. |