Some Nice Things About the Falcons

Atlanta Falcons NFC South
+ posts

His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson.

The marvelous Green Bay Packers, America’s favorite sporting venture and, one must grant, the greatest single joint venture of men in the history of this fine planet, Earth, will soon have their mettle tested by the scurrilous Falcons of Atlanta.  On that occasion the world – nay, the galaxy – shall come together in wondrous merriment, and verily shall they sing in unison and harmony, in voices beautiful and powerful and ever rising, voices that shall resound even to the heavens and reverberate down the depths of the very hell from which the Falcons came, “GO PACK GO.”

And that occasion shall be sorrowful for the lost souls who, deceived by familial bonds or burdened unwittingly by trifling regionalism, join not in that most hallowed cry, and cheer not when the saintly visage of Aaron Rodgers leads his team to most glorious victory, but rather, in treacherous defilement of the human bond, instead invoke with praise one who would name himself “Ice” (a fitting moniker, it should be said, for the leader of the team for whom the sun does not shine, that celestial body being rather concerned with shedding its warmth and light somewhat further north, to the shores of a grand, nay Great, Lake).

Let us then, the blessed multitudes who do serve at the altar of Vince, rather than be ungenerous, instead utter but a few morsels that may prove cause for hesitation, or indeed cause men of reason to delay merriment, until after victory be certain, and a certain victory be had:

  1. The opponent has proved progressive, permitting Matt Ryan to lead despite uncertain visage;
  2. It would appear that when offending, the lechers are quite capable of doing great harm both aerially (4,725 yards, 4th), and by running roughshod over terra firma (1,928 yards, 5th);
  3. These predatory parrots are quite communal, providing opportunity for 13 from among them to have their names written in the histories by crossing over into “pay dirt,” and 8 of those individuals to do so on at least three occasions (though one must wonder, will those efforts ultimately prove but vainglorious?);
  4. A certain Deion “Debo” Jones has tied his fortunes to the Falcons, and his statistical accomplishments have caused even the most haughty to acknowledge perhaps some talent on the teams’ less grandiose unit of men who safeguard against opposing accomplishment (108 tackles, 3 interceptions (2 returned for touchdowns), 11 passes defensed, 5 stuffs, one forced fumble);
  5. Another from among their hordes, a mister Vic Beasely, Jr., who is tasked with the most arduous pursuit of locating, grasping, and grappling with his highness Mr. Rodgers, has successfully completed his appointment fifteen and one half other times this season, whilst collecting another four tackles behind his enemy’s lines and on a quite startling six occasions forced an opponent to simply drop the ball!
  6. There is one other, small, meager, insignificant detail that does merit mention: these Falcons have bested the Packers on the football field previously, 33-32.