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His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson. His name is Bobert Paulson.

Its the Olympics, which means that it is time for America to prove that it, and only it, is America.  It has done so through today by amassing, as of this writing, a commanding 19-13 total medal count over its nearest rival, China.  That count includes five gold medals (tied for the best of all the teams), seven silver medals (the very best all by itself without having to be tied with anyone), and seven bronze medals (tied for the best of all the teams, but probably only because it would otherwise feel bad).  As we head into the fourth day of Olympic competition, the following events are among those with medals up for grabs today.

Equestrian: Open’s Team, Jumping

Horse jumping, folks.  The United States traditionally doesn’t jump horses all that well, as the aristocratic nations of Europe maintain dominance in horse-based sports other than racing so fast.  While jumping on a horse is probably pretty cool, racing fast on one is even better.  I can live with this.  Congratulations Austria or whoever.

Weightlifting – Men’s 69 kg Clean and Jerk

Like jumping on a horse, when it comes to lifting heavy things the United States is not at its best.  Such events are won by a broad spectrum of countries, including those of the Asian steppe.  One can only assume they get their strength because the blood of the Great Khan and his ancestors, including the fearsome riders of the Golden Horde, flows through their veins.  Yet another People of the Horse.  Whatever. Good for them.  Our weightlifters are hot blonde women who show their butts on Instagram.  Your move, equine lovers.

Canoe – Slalom – Men’s C1 Final

Are we good at this?  It seems like we’d be good at this.  Let me check for sources.  Damn, it appears a German is favored.  How does that even make sense?  I suppose its because we kayak here because we have big sweet mountains with fast running streams and kayaking in them is awesome and canoeing in them would be stupid and suck and you’d get wet and likely fall out and die.  Congrats, Germany.  Have fun on your water horse.

Women’s Gymnastics – Artistic

The ladies rocked the qualification for this event, and are “heavily favored” to take the top prize.  This is a chance for you to sit back and watch one of our teams, ted by the woman who seems destined to win all-around individual gold, Simone Biles, kick some serious ass.  Crack a beer gents.  Tiny girls/women are about to rock, and we salute them.  WOOOOOO!

Swimming – Men’s 200 Butterfly Final

What’s that you say?  Michael Phelps is racing?  And some idiot did some stupid Rocky fake boxing in front of him while Phelps made a “you shall die” face ahead of the semifinal?  And that same guy actually beat Phelps last time around even though he was behind the entire race due to the timing of a “long touch” at the wire, and Phelps has been gnawing about it ever since?  And Phelps is in ass-kicking mode and winning races by swimming like a dolphin underwater for like 200 feet because we are dolphin people, not horse people, in this country, as God intended?  Well, I think there is only one thing to say.