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Can't Miss Slants

Power Rankings: Preseason

Welcome to the first ever Five Yard Slant power rankings.  Unfortunately, writer John Jedlicka had some unexpected bad news over the weekend, so I will be filling in by doing the commentary on John’s rankings.  I know what you’re thinking, “Andy you’re not as funny and don’t look as handsome as John in a Cat in the Hat costume.”  Well although that is true, I do believe we can all agree that the Bears are too high and move on.  Now on to this awful list of poorly arranged teams.

Who’s Hot

Your Mom.

Who’s Not

Preparation_A‘s sister.

The Way Too Early Power Rankings

RankTeam RecordTrendingComments
1Seattle
Seahawks
0-0--
Last Week: 1
Off to a good start John.
2Philadelphia
Eagles
0-0--
Last Week: 2
Well that escalated quickly.
3New England
Patriots
0-0--
Last Week: 3
Were you drunk?
4Denver
Broncos
0-0--
Last Week: 4
Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in.
5New Orleans
Saints
0-0--
Last Week: 5
I don't know who this Byrd guy is, but he's da bomb.
6Indianapolis
Colts
0-0--
Last Week: 6
Andrew Luck is the GOAT.
7Green Bay
Packers
0-0--
Last Week: 7
Too low John.
8Baltimore
Ravens
0-0--
Last Week: 8
This is just getting out of hand now.
9Cincinnati
Bengals
0-0--
Last Week: 9
Seriously John.
10Arizona
Cardinals
0-0--
Last Week: 10
*facepalm*
11Chicago
Bears
0-0--
Last Week: 11
Still too high.
12Kansas City
Chiefs
0-0--
Last Week: 12
Huh?
13San Francisco
49ers
0-0--
Last Week: 13
This makes me smile.
14New York
Jets
0-0--
Last Week: 14
You really put your foot in your mouth with this ranking, John.
15Detroit
Lions
0-0--
Last Week: 15
These rankings went awry faster than a Lion's season.
16Tampa Bay
Buccaneers
0-0--
Last Week: 16
Chicago Bears south too high.
17Houston
Texans
0-0--
Last Week: 17
That defense is gonna be good. Unlike John's defense of their ranking.
18Pittsburgh
Steelers
0-0--
Last Week: 18
You're assaulting our intelligence worse than Big Ben in a bar bathroom.
19New York
Giants
0-0--
Last Week: 19
This also makes me smile.
20Carolina
Panthers
0-0--
Last Week: 20
These rankings are more offensive than the Panthers.
21San Diego
Chargers
0-0--
Last Week: 21
What?
22Miami
Dolphins
0-0--
Last Week: 22
At least they have the beaches.
23Jacksonville
Jaguars
0-0--
Last Week: 23
I feel bad for their 3 fans.
24Washington
Redskins
0-0--
Last Week: 24
They need to change their name to the Washington John you're a horrible power ranker. I think its catchy.
25Minnesota
Vikings
0-0--
Last Week: 25
I have a feeling John fell asleep by this point and his cat finished the rankings.
26Atlanta
Falcons
0-0--
Last Week: 26
Falcon fans are going to freak out more about this ranking than an inch of snow.
27Buffalo
Bills
0-0--
Last Week: 27
This your best ranking yet.
28St. Louis
Rams
0-0--
Last Week: 28
I blame John for Sam getting cut.
29Tennessee
Titans
0-0--
Last Week: 29
Good catch John, I forgot they had a team.
30Cleveland
Browns
0-0--
Last Week: 30
The only thing worse than these rankings are the Brown's QBs.
31Dallas
Cowboys
0-0--
Last Week: 31
John quit messing with Jerry's glory hole.
32Oakland
Raiders
0-0--
Last Week: 32
Thank goodness this is over.