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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 5 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

In a week where only three of fourteen home teams managed to win, there were really only two [somewhat] surprising results. The Bengals, who have been the model of inept, managed to beat an emerging Bills team, and The Jaguars destroyed the Steelers, although it took five interceptions from Big Ben to do it.

Protests in the NFL are still in the news. Mostly because our five year old, bullying President won’t let it go. I suppose it serves as a nice distraction when you’re threatening nuclear war on Twitter. At any rate, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says he will not tolerate any of his players disrespecting our great nation, which has me hoping Dak Prescott takes a knee just to see what that dusty old fart would do.
Well, enough of my ranting for one day. Here’s a few neat things that happened this week:

Mike Ditka said hasn’t seen any oppression in the past 100 years. Happy 100th birthday, Mike!

Jay Cutler has driven another coach to drugs.

I found a women foolish enough to marry me, and I’m foolish enough to marry a women with terrible judgment in men. Nuptials at 4 PM, Friday, October 13, followed immediately by a good old fashioned pub crawl, and if I play my cards right, Johnny might even get laid!

MKE is going to be a father, ensuring that at least one more generation will be beset by baseless arguments just for the fuck of it, ad hominem attacks, and hyperbole up the ying and out the yang.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 10)

1975 – William Clinton Married Hillary Rodham. Rod-ham, GET IT! Me either.

2002 – Jimmy carter wins Nobel Peace prize. Surprisingly, no one accused him for receiving it “just because he was white”.

2008- Blind driver, named Luc Costermans breaks land-speed record. Unfortunately, he left his seeing eye dog leashed to the bumper of the car. Luckily the dog survived being dragged, but the forces reportedly stretched his ball sack a full three feet, and when the car stopped and they snapped back, they shot directly up the dogs rectum, and he had to be put down.

WHO’S HOT

Philadelphia Eagles. Winners of three straight, with an offense that can put up points.

WHO’S NOT

New York Giants. This offense was pathetic before their entire receiving core went down with season ending injuries.

YOU SAID IT

CJammin – Bitch boy sucking up to Packer fans like a bitch

MIB – Hmmm…nope, just ranking teams based on their performance and taking past history into account, you retarded, redundant rump ranger.

Glove – Bills might be ligit for real

MIB – You may be right. I suppose this week makes the Bengals legit too? Why don’t you stick to beekeeping and leave the rankings to me, you crossfit cunt.

MKE – Can’t wait to whisper hyperbole at MKE Jr.

MIB – Well said. I have nothing to add.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
Kansas City Chiefs5-0Remember when I said I had a niece and nephew who were KC cops? Perhaps now you see that's as good a reason as any to rank an NFL team.
2
(3)
Green Bay Packers4-1Rodgers plays so much better when he doesn't have a woman around pretending to be straight.
3
(7)
Carolina Panthers4-1Congrats on your TruWin.
4
(8)
Philadelphia Eagles4-1One day, this will all come crashing down.
Oh, wait...you're in the NFC East. Never mind.
5
(5)
Atlanta Falcons3-1A nice relaxing bye week for your fans.
6
(6)
Denver Broncos3-1Bye followed by the Giants. You lucky fuckers.
7
(9)
New England Patriots3-2You guys can kneel during the National anthem and still be Patriots.
MIND=BLOWN
8
(13)
Minnesota Vikings3-2Congrats, you survived the Bears, and the pretty boy assassin.
9
(4)
Buffalo Bills3-2Just when Glove stared to believe in you...
10
(2)
Pittsburgh Steelers3-2I didn't know Ben did such a great Cutler impression.
11
(18)
Baltimore Ravens3-2For fucks sake, even Sybil doesn't know who you are.
12
(11)
Detroit Lions3-2You on the other hand...All sixteen of Sybil's personalities have you figure out.
13
(10)
Oakland Raiders2-3Look at the bright side, your starter is out, and even if he wasn't, you didn't just pay him 135 million to lose games.
14
(12)
Arizona Cardinals2-3No worries. It gets easier when you play within your division.
Seriously, they all suck fetid ball sack.
15
(15)
Washington Redskins2-2Another team with two bye weeks in a row. It just ain't fair.
16
(14)
Los Angles Rams3-2At first, I was like, "how can a 3-1 team lose to the Seahawks?", and then I realized two of your wins were against the Colt and the 49ers, and it all made sense.
17
(20)
Seattle Seahawks3-2Congrats, you won. Now go back to Seattle and shove the space needle up your ass.
18
(16)
Houston Texans2-3Watt?
I cunt hear you.
19
(17)
Dallas Cowboys2-3I'm sure Jerry doesn't mind losing as long as you respect our flag and call him daddy.
20
(22)
New York Jets3-2Look at you cute little guys go.
21
(21)
New Orleans Saints2-2Solid bye week, fellas.
22
(23)
Jacksonville Jaguars3-2THANKS, BEN!
23
(19)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-2Remember when they use to call you Tampon Bay, and your fans use to wear bags over their heads?
Good times.
24
(26)
Cincinnati Bengals2-3I guess beating the Browns really lit a fire under your pathetic asses.
25
(27)
Miami Dolphins2-2Jay's due to break out at any moment. Count on at least 3 interceptions next week.
26
(28)
Indianapolis Colts2-3To bad Pence left. You really knocked the snot out of those 0-5 49ers.
27
(29)
Los Angles Chargers1-4Just when I had written you off, you jump right back in the playoff hunt!
Sorry, I can't say that without laughing.
28
(24)
Tennessee Titans2-3You win some, you lose some. and You win a few, you lose a few.
Prov. Cliché You cannot always succeed. (You can say this when you have not succeeded, to show that you are not discouraged.)
Or you can just be discouraged. IDGAF
29
(25)
Chicago Bears1-4Trubisky had two turnovers in his first start. Apparently he studied Glennon just like he was asked.
30
(30)
New York Giants0-5Next week I think I'm jus going to start rotating you with the Browns and 49ers. It's really not fair for you to suck this bad and not get the credit.
31
(31)
San Francisco 49ers0-5TAKEN A KNEE
OFFEND THE VP
THEN STAND UP LIKE MEN
AND PLAY LIKE VD
32
(32)
Cleveland Browns0-5I think your grabbed the wrong DeShaun. Actually, I know you did, because you got Desean. Easy mistake, they all look alike.
...Quarterbacks, you racist fucks!