Bears at Lions Week 6 Preview

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The Detroit Lions are a terrible football team. There I said it. They are 0-5 and were clown stomped in Week 5 at home to Arizona (42-17) due to 6 turnovers, terrible run defense without Ngata/Walker, untimely penalties and explosive passing plays allowed to Brown and Fitzgerald. Detroit’s season, barring a miracle 10-1 finish (which won’t happen), is over. They play for pride now. Next up is a home game at 1 PM at Ford Field against the surging division rival Chicago Bears (2-3)

Let’s take a look at how Detroit will lose in hilarious fashion on Sunday.

Turnovers and Pressure Allowed

Detroit has 15 turnovers in 5 games including six last week at home. Chicago has only forced four turnovers all year. However, Chicago will probably have a season best 4 turnovers forced this week (matched Week 17 against Detroit). I’ll say 2 fumbles lost and 2 Stafford picks. I’m sure one Stafford pick will be a ball thrown away but it will bounce off the goal post into the arms of Adrian Amos and returned for 109 yards for a defensive TD.

Stafford has been under pressure the 8th most in the league at 38.3%. Pernell McPhee, Lamar Houston and Jay Ratliff will be pressuring Stafford all day. However, it could be Willie Young as former Lions always kill Detroit in their one good game of the year. It is time for Willie Young to shine and do his stupid fly fishing celebration. I hope Caldwell gets a fake fish hook in his mouth to change his expression for 30 seconds.

Run Defense

The Lions had the 5th lowest in YPC allowed in run defense through four weeks. A bright spot!!!!! Of course, Haloti Ngata (for the second time) and Tyrunn Walker (on a cheap shot by JR Skeezy) both needed to get hurt to take away that slight joy in my life in Week 4. Detroit allowed 7.5 YPC to Arizona on the ground in Week 5 and DeAndre Levy re-injured his hip. I’m told it happened when he tried to do a back flip off the Michelin blimp at half time while dining on Detroit’s best rat meat.

Matt Forte is having a strong season at 4.3 YPC. He’ll have a huge day on Sunday. I’ll say over 5 YPC and 2 TDs. I’ll make sure I have the television bolted down this time.

Cutler has a Big Day

Cutler is completing 60% of his passes at 6.6 YPA with 6 TDs and 3 interceptions in five games. Average numbers this season for Cutler with a decent tick down interceptions. Have no fear Jay as the Lions are allowing a league worst 76.6%, a league worst 9.2 YPA and a league worst 116 QB rating (9 TDs and 3 interceptions). You will earn that post game cigarette this time Jay.

No Pressure, No Pouting

Detroit has pressured the opposing QB 37.7% of their drop backs. This is actually higher than the 2014 Lions (36%). However, Ngata and Walker are out and Jason Jones will regress back to just a solid run defender only. It will be Ziggy Ansah with one pointless sack and some Austin dialed up blitzes that leave Stephen “Turtle” Tullcoh trying to cover Martellus Bennett. However, Jay will keep his jersey pretty clean to the tune for 300 yards 3 TDs and 0 interceptions. Fat boy Jeffrey can focus on the buffet.


Detroit will have many of them with 90% of them of the holding variety. Any fair catch caught will send Detroit back 10 yards deep into their territory. Any big play into Chicago’s red zone will be negated by a holding penalty, illegal chop block, illegal formation or illegal use of a laser pointer.

Detroit Run Game

Lions don’t have a run game even if Molasses Bell or Fumbles MacGoo comes off the bench. The three time 2,000 yard D2 player from South Dakota State is the Lions best bet for 3.0 YPC.


Fuck it.