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Can't Miss Slants

FYS week 5 power rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

This was a sad week for me. My dog Skeeter got sick on Sunday, and I had to have her put to sleep on Tuesday. It is always a hard decision to make, but there was nothing the vets could do for her, so it was the right thing to do.

Someone should be as kind to the Lions.

WEEK 5 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.

Last week, I was back to my winning ways. My picks were a whopping 10-4, putting my year to date record at 52-25.

My record is even better against your mom’s spread.

Bye week: Dallas, Oakland, St Louis, Tampa Bay (Congrats! you won’t drop in the rankings this week)

So, here’s this weeks predictions.

WinnerLoser
AtlantaNew Orleans (H)
New York Jets (H)Washington
ArizonaPittsburgh (H)
Minnesota (H)Kansas City
Cincinnati Buffalo (H)
ChicagoDetroit (H)
DenverCleveland (H)
HoustonJacksonville (H)
Tennessee (H)Miami
CarolinaSeattle (H)
Green Bay (H)San Diego
BaltimoreSan Francisco (H)
New EnglandIndianapolis (H)
New York GiantsPhiladelphia (H)

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 14)

1947 – U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager becomes the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.

To put that in perspective, that’s almost as fast as the Detroit Lions break the hearts of their fans.

1962 – The Cuban Missile Crisis began.

One year later, my father had a missile crisis, and I was conceived.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

My FF team, “Deez nuts” spanked the crap out of “Team Go Slow Please, by a score of 75-57.

Pro Tip:The more points your players accumulate, the more likely you are to win.

WHO’S HOT

The New England patriots, who once again appear to be the team to beat in the AFC.

WHO’S NOT

The Dallas Cowboys. America’s team, my ass.

YOU SAID IT

TheBaskett – Major Fail.. On this date in 2005 was the Vikings Sex Boat.. how did you miss that?

JJ – Miss it? I provided the hookers, but my lawyer advised me not to talk about it. Oops…

MaC – This article is even weirder than MIB’s hours, and that’s saying something.

JJ – Your face is weird.

 

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
New England Patriots4-0I'd like to thank Tom Brady and Julian Edelman for carrying my Fantasy Football team to victory.
2
(2)
Cincinnati Bengals5-0You come from behind more than a Catholic priest.
3
(3)
Green Bay Packers5-0Fun fact: Week 5 Passer rating -
Jay Cutler 88.4
Aaron Rodgers 82.8
4
(4)
Denver Broncos5-0Never a good sign when your defense scores more TDs than your offense, but what the hell? A win is a win.
5
(5)
Arizona Cardinals4-1Personally, I think you should have been flagged for 12 men on the field on every play, before the Lions pulled Stafford.
6
(6)
Carolina Panthers4-0Ain't bye weeks grand?
7
(7)
Atlanta Falcons5-0It takes a real Juggernaut to come from behind against the Redskins.
8
(10)
Pittsburgh Steelers3-218 seconds of time mysteriously disappear. It turns out Richard Nixon was running the game clock.
9
(9)
New York Jets3-1You get bye. You no move.
10
(12)
Buffalo Bills3-2Most exciting win since Anurag Kashyap won the 2005 National Spelling Bee, with the word "appoggiatura".
11
(11)
Minnesota Vikings2-2Nobody missed you.
12
(13)
Indianapolis Colts3-2So easy, even your caveman can do it.
13
(8)
Seattle Seahawks2-3Rumor is, your bandwagon fans are trying out for other teams.
14
(20)
New York Giants3-2Do you practice catching balls on your heads?
15
(24)
Chicago Bears2-3Stop it! You're screwing up next years draft.
16
(28)
Cleveland Browns2-3After just three games, Josh (career backup) McCown has set two franchise records at quarterback.
Let the sink in.
17
(14)
St Louis Rams2-3Nick Foles must have reached out to Jay Cutler for advice on how to beat green Bay.
18
(15)
Baltimore Ravens1-4I'm not sure if you can sink lower than losing to the Browns at home.
19
(16)
Houston Texans1-4I chose this ranking to piss off Cowboy fans.
20
(17)
Kansas City Chiefs1-4Don't feel too bad. The Bears are a really good team.
21
(18)
San Diego Chargers2-3Good luck in Lambeau.
22
(19)
Dallas Cowboys2-3It's bad when Jerry Jones says you suck.
23
(25)
Philadelphia Eagles2-3I was wrong. Chip Kelly is a rocket genius.
24
(29)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-3Looks like Lovie has finally got the ship heading up the flagpole.
25
(21)
Oakland Raiders2-3You're making a habbit out of losing to shitty teams at home.
26
(22)
Washington Redskins2-3You're assholes for giving Falcons fans false hope.
27
(23)
New Orleans Saints1-4I'm Sure brees will play better next year when your paying him 33 bazillion dollars.
28
(26)
San Francisco 49ers1-4Look on the bright side, kaepernick didn't suck.
29
(27)
Jacksonville jaguars1-4WOW! You really want that first draft pick.
30
(30)
Tennessee Titans1-3Hey, at least you're not Detroit.
31
(31)
Miami Dolphins1-4I hope the bye week helped you get over all your mental issues.
32
(32)
Detroit Lions0-5jim Caldwell thinks pulling your starting QB is no different than changing pitchers in baseball.
Yup, that's your head coach.