I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
This was a sad week for me. My dog Skeeter got sick on Sunday, and I had to have her put to sleep on Tuesday. It is always a hard decision to make, but there was nothing the vets could do for her, so it was the right thing to do.
Someone should be as kind to the Lions.
WEEK 5 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.
Last week, I was back to my winning ways. My picks were a whopping 10-4, putting my year to date record at 52-25.
My record is even better against your mom’s spread.
Bye week: Dallas, Oakland, St Louis, Tampa Bay (Congrats! you won’t drop in the rankings this week)
So, here’s this weeks predictions.
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Atlanta | New Orleans (H) |
| New York Jets (H) | Washington |
| Arizona | Pittsburgh (H) |
| Minnesota (H) | Kansas City |
| Cincinnati | Buffalo (H) |
| Chicago | Detroit (H) |
| Denver | Cleveland (H) |
| Houston | Jacksonville (H) |
| Tennessee (H) | Miami |
| Carolina | Seattle (H) |
| Green Bay (H) | San Diego |
| Baltimore | San Francisco (H) |
| New England | Indianapolis (H) |
| New York Giants | Philadelphia (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 14)
1947 – U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager becomes the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
To put that in perspective, that’s almost as fast as the Detroit Lions break the hearts of their fans.
1962 – The Cuban Missile Crisis began.
One year later, my father had a missile crisis, and I was conceived.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
My FF team, “Deez nuts” spanked the crap out of “Team Go Slow Please, by a score of 75-57.
Pro Tip:The more points your players accumulate, the more likely you are to win.
WHO’S HOT
The New England patriots, who once again appear to be the team to beat in the AFC.
WHO’S NOT
The Dallas Cowboys. America’s team, my ass.
YOU SAID IT
TheBaskett – Major Fail.. On this date in 2005 was the Vikings Sex Boat.. how did you miss that?
JJ – Miss it? I provided the hookers, but my lawyer advised me not to talk about it. Oops…
MaC – This article is even weirder than MIB’s hours, and that’s saying something.
JJ – Your face is weird.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 4-0 | I'd like to thank Tom Brady and Julian Edelman for carrying my Fantasy Football team to victory. |
| 2 (2) | Cincinnati Bengals | 5-0 | You come from behind more than a Catholic priest. |
| 3 (3) | Green Bay Packers | 5-0 | Fun fact: Week 5 Passer rating - Jay Cutler 88.4 Aaron Rodgers 82.8 |
| 4 (4) | Denver Broncos | 5-0 | Never a good sign when your defense scores more TDs than your offense, but what the hell? A win is a win. |
| 5 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 4-1 | Personally, I think you should have been flagged for 12 men on the field on every play, before the Lions pulled Stafford. |
| 6 (6) | Carolina Panthers | 4-0 | Ain't bye weeks grand? |
| 7 (7) | Atlanta Falcons | 5-0 | It takes a real Juggernaut to come from behind against the Redskins. |
| 8 (10) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 3-2 | 18 seconds of time mysteriously disappear. It turns out Richard Nixon was running the game clock. |
| 9 (9) | New York Jets | 3-1 | You get bye. You no move. |
| 10 (12) | Buffalo Bills | 3-2 | Most exciting win since Anurag Kashyap won the 2005 National Spelling Bee, with the word "appoggiatura". |
| 11 (11) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-2 | Nobody missed you. |
| 12 (13) | Indianapolis Colts | 3-2 | So easy, even your caveman can do it. |
| 13 (8) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-3 | Rumor is, your bandwagon fans are trying out for other teams. |
| 14 (20) | New York Giants | 3-2 | Do you practice catching balls on your heads? |
| 15 (24) | Chicago Bears | 2-3 | Stop it! You're screwing up next years draft. |
| 16 (28) | Cleveland Browns | 2-3 | After just three games, Josh (career backup) McCown has set two franchise records at quarterback. Let the sink in. |
| 17 (14) | St Louis Rams | 2-3 | Nick Foles must have reached out to Jay Cutler for advice on how to beat green Bay. |
| 18 (15) | Baltimore Ravens | 1-4 | I'm not sure if you can sink lower than losing to the Browns at home. |
| 19 (16) | Houston Texans | 1-4 | I chose this ranking to piss off Cowboy fans. |
| 20 (17) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-4 | Don't feel too bad. The Bears are a really good team. |
| 21 (18) | San Diego Chargers | 2-3 | Good luck in Lambeau. |
| 22 (19) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-3 | It's bad when Jerry Jones says you suck. |
| 23 (25) | Philadelphia Eagles | 2-3 | I was wrong. Chip Kelly is a rocket genius. |
| 24 (29) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 2-3 | Looks like Lovie has finally got the ship heading up the flagpole. |
| 25 (21) | Oakland Raiders | 2-3 | You're making a habbit out of losing to shitty teams at home. |
| 26 (22) | Washington Redskins | 2-3 | You're assholes for giving Falcons fans false hope. |
| 27 (23) | New Orleans Saints | 1-4 | I'm Sure brees will play better next year when your paying him 33 bazillion dollars. |
| 28 (26) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-4 | Look on the bright side, kaepernick didn't suck. |
| 29 (27) | Jacksonville jaguars | 1-4 | WOW! You really want that first draft pick. |
| 30 (30) | Tennessee Titans | 1-3 | Hey, at least you're not Detroit. |
| 31 (31) | Miami Dolphins | 1-4 | I hope the bye week helped you get over all your mental issues. |
| 32 (32) | Detroit Lions | 0-5 | jim Caldwell thinks pulling your starting QB is no different than changing pitchers in baseball. Yup, that's your head coach. |