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Can't Miss Slants

Don’t Mock Me. 2019

It me. Here’s the NFC North 2019 Mock Draft. This is future fact folks. Don’t mock me if it’s wrong.

Detroit Lions

Time for Quinn magic or a broken LKP tv.

RoundPickPlayerPositionComments
18Clein FerrellDEStud DE for the left side. Hall of famer unless he goes to a different team
243Deebo SamuelWRSlot city bitch slot slot city bitch. Deeeee boooooo
388Connor McGovernOG/CStud guard starter from Penn State with versatility
4111Isiah JohnsonCBDepth at DB. Johnson ha
5146Clayton ThorsonQBWoude will hate this guy now. As good as Northwestern can offer
6184Wyatt RayEDGEBC guy reunited with Pasqualoni. Like a ray of sunshine off the edge
6204Cameron SmithLBUSC guy. Depth. His name is not funny at all
7224Jamal PetersCBHa, Peters
7229Byron CowartDLWon’t be a Cowart anymore, will roar like a Lion

Chicago Bears

They don’t have a 1st and 2nd round pick folks. Call NFL Network and ask who they should take.

RoundPickPlayerPositionComments
387Amani HookerSBears fans love hookers and Dix is clearly not the answer.
4126TJ EdwardOLBGood Wisconsin guy for Packer fans to hate.
5162Gary JenningsWRAnother G Jennings to take his talents to Minnesota soon
7222Terry GodwinWRGod always wins
7238Kevin GivensDLUndersized stud from Penn State. Given to the Bears

Green Bay Packers

Gutekunst will do more fleecing than the Ba Ba Black Sheep nursery rhyme. Stupid Saints not caring about the future after Brees.

RoundPickPlayerPositionComments
112Jonah WilliamsOTHis name was Jonah, holding the D-ends- Weezer
130Marquise BrownWRSome people call me the space cowboy, some call me Marquiiiisee
244Juan ThornhillSTakes Juan to know Juan
375LJ CollierDLAlmost LL Cool J
4114Kris BoydCBAvoid the Boyd if he becomes a good corner
4118Foster MoreauTEFoster the Moreau is almost a band. Or Island of Foster Moreau. That’s better
5150Drew SampleTESampling all the tight ends.
6185LJ ScottRBGREAT SCOTT
6194Shareef MillerEDGESuper stud from Penn State who left a year too early. New Shareef in town
7226Malik GantSHe Gant make the roster

Minnesota Vikings

Ricky Spielman adding to their embarrassment of riches.

RoundPickPlayerPositionComments
118Garrett BradburyOG/CShooter special to the Vikings. No not a finger
250Hakeem ButlerWR Another bust big WR for them early. Hakeem the dream more like nightmare
381Vosean JosephLBIt’s not about size. It’s the vosean of the ocean
4121Austin BryantEDGEThis is Austin- Blake Shelton
6192Ben Burr KivenLBBen Hurr or Aaron Burr was his kiven names
6211Jalin MooreRBThey need Moore running back help
7247Gardner MinshewQBHe can handle Cousins bush
7250Chidi OkekeOLChidi Okeke Mulaka Bukkake. Sorry I passed out for a second.

The Draft is 8 PM ET tonight in Nashville on ABC, NFL Network and ESPN and probably ESPN The Ocho. Can’t wait to see who stays in the green room and gets pissed off and kills the Lions for years because of it. Some will laugh, some will cry, there will be trades to nullify this mock draft. Bears will trade up and give up 30 picks for a QB. But one thing is for sure, Mel Kiper will have great hair.

My dream is Ed Oliver or Josh Allen to the Lions or a trade down. Dreams will be shattered with TJ Hockensen probably. I’ll take Ferrell though or Taylor or Sweat or even Hockensen. Hell, I’ll love whoever the Lions pick. This article is over now. Bitch… Bye