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Can't Miss Slants

Final 2016 Power Rankings because why would you do another Power Rankings

This is the final power rankings of this mediocre, down year football season.  As you can see, the Patriots are the champions now.  There’s really no reason to play out the string.  Congratulations Brady, you really showed Roger Goodell who is boss and cleared your name in the eyes of America.  Say hello to Gisele for me.  She seems nice.  And make sure she is aware that her husband can, indeed, do everything.

RANKTEAMHAWT TAEK
1New England PatriotsWith this accomplishment, the Patriots really have nothing left to prove.
2Dallas CowboysWho would have picked them as the second most powery team in the league at the beginning of the season?
3Kansas City Chiefs It is sorta sad that they are coached by Andy Reid, and therefore can't really act as a block for the Patriots in the playoffs.
4Atlanta FalconsMatt Ryan is less great at quarterbacking football teams than Aaron Rodgers, but should be the league MVP.
5Pittsburgh SteelersAfter a rough start to the season, they finish strong despite Big Ben not playing his best.
6Green Bay PackersProlly just run the table then.
7New York GiantsA loss, but not likely to be a harmful one.
8Seattle SeahawksI don't think they are all that good.
9Houston TexansThe AFC South sure is forgiving.
10Miami DolphinsThe run continues, and they are playoff bound.
11Oakland RaidersThe record is better than a 10th ranking, but we all know they are dead in the water. Must win in Buffalo and kill Rex Ryan's head coaching career.
12Detroit LionsGot whipped, son!
13Washington RedskinsLeft hoping the Packers and Lions don't agree on a gentleman's tie.
14Tampa Bay Buccaneers A nice step forward this year for a team with a bright future.
15Baltimore RavensCompetent all year long, just not that talented.
16Tennessee TitansAnother team with a bright future. Break a leg in 2017.
17Denver BroncosMissing that Manning Magic.
18New Orleans SaintsHaving damaged one south opponent, can they also make life more difficult for Atlanta?
19Buffalo BillsSexy Rexy is on the market, ladies.
20Indianapolis ColtsWatching Luck try and drag this undermanned team to the playoffs every year is like watching Manning 10-15 years ago. Except Manning was a far better player and actually took them to the show all the time. Luck is just *supposed* to be that kind of quarterback, but he's never actually proven it on the field at the NFL level. I guess what I am saying is that while he is a fine quarterback, he certainly is not "elite," and even the dumbest of media personnel have come around on the topic. Good thing nobody on here would obstinately continue to believe Luck is among the best.
21Minnesota VikingsThis team started 5-0 and will not finish with a winning record. These are fun facts.
22Carolina PanthersBoth Super Bowl contenders missed the playoffs.
23Philadelphia EaglesBeating the Giants salvages something out of a lost season.
24Arizona CardinalsThree of the final four teams from last year are missing the playoffs.
25Cincinnati BengalsAlmost as disappointing as the season their former defensive coordinator had to suffer through.
26San Diego ChargersRivers can now concentrate on being fruitful and multiplying.
27Los Angeles RamsThe NFL really took L.A. by storm.
28New York JetsGave up, eh?
29Chicago BearsCan't count on you for shit with shit. Lose to the Lions, lose to Washington. Sure, make Green Bay do everything all by itself without the help of anyone else.
30Jacksonville JaguarsBortles more like chortles.
31San Fransisco 49ersThat will teach you what happens to pinko commies.
32Cleveland Browns0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0 and oh.