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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Preseason Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Dear NFL Football,

Welcome back. I’m really tired of listening to the assholes on FYS spouting their inane, asinine bullshit. It’s like watching Prep fisting orangutans while being felched by Raji, who’s finger blasting Gundy. Sure, it’s fun for a while…
Anyway, it gives me the opportunity to bitch slap some sense into these cocksuckers.

I hope you all enjoy the 2017 NFL season…or not. I don’t really give a fuck.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 7)

1813 – The US is nicknamed Uncle Sam. Turns out Aunt Samantha had balls after all.

1864 – The city of Atlanta is evacuated during the Civil War. Turns out the war was anything but civil, and we’re still fighting it today.

1911 – Guillaume Apollinaire is arrested for stealing the Mona Lisa. My guess is he couldn’t get a hold of a Sears catalog, and he thought the ugly bitch might provide some fapping material.

WHO’S HOT

I’m on motherfucking fire. I’m getting married next month, got side fires on the reg, and my penis has seen more action then BP and MKE’s mothers combined.

WHO’S NOT

LKP. This is the time of year when all his bullshit falls apart.

YOU SAID IT

Staffords_Glove – I’m home in bed sick today😷

MIB – Not like you to waste a sick day when there’s not meetup.

 

Raji – I made a FB recipe for the first time ever this morning.

MIB – My post about shitting in a crock pot was a joke, dude.

Well, I hope this doesn’t get me fired.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

RankTeamRecordComments
1New England Patriots0-0They're like the chick who sucked the best dick in high school, everyone overrates them.
2Kansas City Chiefs0-0I have a niece and nephew who are both Kansas City cops. If you have a problem with where the Chiefs are ranked, you can take it up with them.
3 Oakland Raiders0-0No city inspires hope and confidence like Oakland.
4Seattle Seahawks0-0You'll understand this better after they knock off Green Bay week 1.
5Pittsburgh Steelers0-0They sexiest part of this pick is that it pisses just about everyone off.
6Dallas Cowboys0-0Hard not to pick a team with a woman beater on it. Always worth a couple of spots in the rankings.
7Atlanta Falcons0-0I thought about putting them at 28 and 3.
8New York Giants0-0This mostly just allows me to push Green Bay down one more spot.
9Green Bay Packers0-0Dom Capers will fuck it up, but not until they make the playoffs.
10Baltimore Ravens0-0This is more of a reflection on how badly Cincinnati and Cleveland will suck.
11Arizona Cardinals0-0More like Anus Blowing Shrapnel, AMIRITE!
12Denver Broncos0-0From here on out, all of the teams stink, so just deal with it.
13Houston Texans0-0If Deshaun Watson doesn't blow goats, they should compete.
14New Orleans Saints0-0This is so I can laugh at thenichels every week as they plummet down the rankings.
15Minnesota Vikings0-0I'm not convinced they won't finish last in the division, but what the hell?
16Buffalo Bills0-0Every year I give these motherfuckers the benefit of the doubt, and every year I end up regretting it.
17Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-0Jamis Winston is on my FF team, so he better have a career year.
18Washington Redskins0-0Hard to rank a blatantly racist team any lower with Trump in the White House.
19Carolina Panthers0-0This seems like about the right amount of suck.
20Miami Dolphins0-0Even with Cutler as their QB, they can't lose week 1.
21Indianapolis Colts0-0It's all up to Andrew Cuck.
22Cincinnati Bengals0-0If Trump bans transgender people from the NFL, they could drop a bit more.
23Philadelphia Eagles0-0Milfadelphia Fecals.
Enough said.
24Los Angles Chargers0-0LOL San Diego!
25Chicago Bears0-0Having a midget called "The Human Joystick" has to be worth a couple of spots.
26Tennessee Titans0-0I bet your fans wish your practice facilities were in the path of Irma.
27Detroit Lions0-0TruRanking!
28Jacksonville Jaguars0-0Blake Bortals Blows Bloated Bovine Baculum
29Los Angles Rams0-0Double LOL San Diego!
30San Francisco 49ers0-0Your team sucks as much dick as your city.
31New York Jets0-0Wait...OK, just making sure I had the right New York team here.
We're good.
32Cleveland Browns0-0You've earned the honor of this spot at the beginning of each new league year.