I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Well boys, week one is in the books, and other than the Patriots getting curb stomped at home and the Colts looking like some type of hellish, aborted spawn, there were really no big surprises.
Taking that into consideration, and with my own personal integrity on the line, I still reserve the right to overreact and spew shit all over these rankings, like hot sauce on cunts at a Cajun wedding.
On a personal note, I’d like to thank Chicago Bears receiver, Kevin White, for breaking a bone for a third consecutive year in a row. Not like they need help at that position, ya fuckin’ fuck.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (September 12)
1953 – JFK marries Jacqueline Bouvier. Later that evening, old Johnny slipped her his jimmie.
1993 – New floating bridge opens in Seattle; I-90 stretches from coast to coast. Huge boost for sex and drug trafficking.
WHO’S HOT
Kansas City Chiefs – Dismantling the defending Super Bowl champs on their home field is about as good as it gets.
WHO’S NOT
Texans, Colts, Seahawks, 49ers, and Giants – None of these teams managed to score better than single digits, but who needs offense, right?
YOU SAID IT
Big Deal – srsly wtf chiefs
MIB – Totes, dude. Why don’t you go back to banging cows, or whatever the hell it is they do in East Central South Dakota this time of year.
Maized and Confused – MIB this is as horrible and ill-thought-out as I could have hoped.
MIB – I’ll take credit for these rankings being horrible, but please don’t accuse me of thinking, ill or otherwise, when I do my rankings.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-0 | Rumor is, they have a cutout of Andy Reid in their locker room, and they get to take one piece of clothing off after every win. |
| 2 (3) | Oakland Raiders | 1-0 | Gundy thinks I have them ranked too high. Maybe that moron forgot they were one of the hottest teams heading into last years playoffs before David Carr got smushed. Either way, he can SUCK MY FAT HOG |
| 3 (5) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 1-0 | Hell of a game by T. J. Watt. We'll just call him Twatt from here on out. |
| 4 (6) | Dallas Cowboys | 1-0 | Cole Beasley's catch was amazing, but it got me to thinking, who in the fuck names their kid Cole. His parents should be shot. |
| 5 (9) | Green Bay Packers | 1-0 | Penalty or not, we all saw Aaron Rodgers throw a pick 6. What a loser. |
| 6 (10) | Baltimore Ravens | 1-0 | I guess there's something to be said for beating a division rival with Joe Flacco as your quarterback. |
| 7 (1) | New England patriots | 0-1 | Brady looked like shit, their defense looked like shit, but you know Belichick is going to pull some unicorn dust out of his fucking ass and find a way to win their division again. |
| 8 (7) | Atlanta Falcons | 1-0 | Congratulations. You survived the powerhouse Chicago Bears. |
| 9 (4) | Seattle Seahawks | 0-1 | I was personally hoping for a better game, but your whiny bitch ass fans make every loss enjoyable. |
| 10 (12) | Denver Broncos | 1-0 | I refuse to waste my time looking up Trevor Siemian. I guess he had a good game. |
| 11 (15) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-0 | I hope you realize, Sam Bradford won't last half a season. |
| 12 (16) | Buffalo Bills | 1-0 | Calm your tits. You beat the fucking Jets. |
| 13 (8) | New York Giants | 0-1 | It's possible I have you ranked too high, but then again, who gives a fuck? |
| 14 (19) | Carolina Panthers | 1-0 | Something about a butt raping in San Francisco, blah, blah. Congrats. |
| 15 (11) | Arizona Cardinals | 0-1 | Don't feel too bad. Technically you didn't have a winning record, so losing to Detroit isn't terrible...yet. |
| 16 (13) | Houston Texans | 0-1 | When I wrote my preseason rankings, I called you the Oilers. That should give you some indication of where you are on my radar. |
| 17 (17) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 0-0 | You survived Irma, but hurricane Ditka is on it's way. |
| 18 (14) | New Orleans Saints | 0-1 | You may have dropped in the rankings, but you're quickly moving up my list of most dysfunctional franchises. |
| 19 (23) | Philadelphia Eagles | 1-0 | It's possible I have you ranked too low, but then again, who gives a fuck? |
| 20 (20) | Miami Dolphins | 0-0 | Guess we'll have to wait another week to see Jay Cutler break the hearts of another fan base. |
| 21 (18) | Washington Redskins | 0-1 | Let me guess, you made a treaty with the Eagles that you would win your home opener, and they broke it. |
| 22 (27) | Detroit Lions | 1-0 | Stafford is my FF QB. That plus a win earns you five spots in my rankings. |
| 23 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-0 | You were Florida's one bright spot all weekend. |
| 24 (29) | Los Angles Rams | 1-0 | You whooped the cooter juice out of those Colts. |
| 25 (24) | Los Angels Chargers | 0-1 | Pretty bad when the refs still call you San Diego. |
| 26 (25) | Chicago Bears | 0-1 | Your best player is the smallest man in the NFL. |
| 27 (21) | Indianapolis Colts | 0-1 | I'd love to see you improve with Andrew Luck out. Nothing like a good QB controversy to emphasize a franchise's incompetence. |
| 28 (22) | Cincinnati Bengals | 0-1 | You can't score any fewer points than zero, so I guess you can say things are looking up for you. |
| 29 (26) | Tennessee Titans | 0-1 | I might just start calling you the Oilers. Would anyone even notice? |
| 30 (30) | San Francisco 49ers | 0-1 | Blame it on Kaeperdick. |
| 31 (31) | New York Jets | 0-1 | You're probably worse than the Browns, but I guess I'll just let it play out. |
| 32 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 0-1 | You have sucking down to an art form. |