I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
Week ten was a devastating week in the NFL for certain teams and their fan bases, and it gives me no pleasure to write these rankings.
Ah, who in the fuck am I kidding?! Let’s have some fun!
Denver has announced, that “due to injury”, Peyton Manning will not be starting next week for the Broncos. Anybody else take the under on week 11? BOOYAH, HE GONE! But seriously, it’s sad to see one of the greats go down in such an unceremonious fashion. hopefully they can reattach his arm in time for one last playoff run.
The Rob Ryan era is over in New Orleans.I was never a big fan, but this seams like the first of the dominoes. Sucks when an assistant coach takes the hit for a lack of talent. At least Drew Brees will still see his bloated contract pay off.
Cincinnati fell to the lowly Houston Texans. And, just to add salt to the wound, J J Watt hurt Andy Dalton’s feelings by saying they “took the Red Rifle down, like a Red Rider BB gun”. Personally, instead of accusing Watt of being unprofessional, I would have like to see Dalton come back with something like, “Oh yeah, well you face is a Red Rider”, or perhaps a tasteful “mother” joke.
Speaking of hurt feelings, apparently the Tennessee Titans take offense to end zone celebrations. While I agree, Cam Newton is a large douche bag, I lean toward the side of, if you don’t want him to celebrate, put on your big boy football pants, and stop the asshole from scoring.
I’m forgetting something…wait, it will come to me…
Oh Yeah! The Green Bay Packers lost to the Detroit Lions on the hallowed (now soiled) grounds of Lambeau Field! There truly is no way to capture the gravitas of this loss, nor the enormity of the schadenfreude experienced by so many other fan bases, in my weekly power rankings. Fear not, I shall find the energy and intestinal fortitude to write a second article in a single week (budgeting for the alcohol may be another issue).
WEEK 8 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
As you know, each week I make picks for the following week’s games based on my current rankings.
For the first time this year, I had a losing record. Tanks in large part to those dirty Packers. I still managed a respectable 6-8 record. You may be asking yourself what is respectable about a losing record? Well, let me give you a few facts.
1. Only 3 of 14 home teams managed to win.
2. Two of the home teams that won came into the weekend as an underdog.
3. Fuck you
Excuses aside, my YTD record is still a respectable 91-55.
So, here are my week 8 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Jacksonville (H) | Tennessee |
| Oakland | Detroit (H) |
| Atlanta (H) | Indianapolis |
| Houston (H) | New York Jets |
| Philadelphia (H) | Tampa |
| Denver | Chicago (H) |
| Saint Louis | Baltimore (H) |
| Miami (H) | Dallas |
| Carolina (H) | Washington |
| Kansas City | San Diego (H) |
| Minnesota (H) | Green Bay |
| Seattle (H) | San Francisco |
| Arizona (H) | Cincinnati |
| New England (H) | Buffalo |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 18)
1863 – Lincoln travels to Gettysburg.
Read his speech, it will make you a better person.
1978 – Mass suicide at Jonestown.
Lions fans never learned the lesson to “stop drinking the kool-aid”.
1991 – The Detroit Lions beat the Green Bay Packers 21-17 at Lambeau field, ( I may have fudged this date a bit)
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
I don’t want to talk about it.
WHO’S HOT
The Detroit Lions! Huge monkey off the back. Don’t kid yourselves, you still suck.
WHO’S NOT
GREEN BAY PACKERS CONTINUE AN HISTORIC (also hysterical) SLIDE!
YOU SAID IT
Natradamus – Great rankings MIB, great foreshadowing on MN, tough the faitful have sen this movie before. We also know how it ends.
MIB – Life is short. Enjoy the moment, my son.
Gabes – AT 6-2, I tink the Packers can limp to 10-6 by beating Cicago and Minnesota at home and sweeping Detroit. There are 4 other games @ MIN, @ Oakland, @ Arizona and home vs. Dallas. If they split those and win the four I mentioned, they will have a first round bye IMO.
MIB – Are you starting to see why no one takes you seriously?
MaC – Nobody is saying fire TT.
MIB – I’ve been screaming it from the darkness for years. He lucked into Aaron Rodgers falling into his lap. The dude sucks. You do realize he is not only responsible for players, he also has responsibility for coaching decisions, right?
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patroits | 9-0 | You're lucky I didn't drop your ass for Welker fucking my FF team. |
| 2 (3) | Carolina Panthers | 9-0 | Act like you've been there before. Oh, wait...you haven't. Carry on. |
| 3 (4) | Arizona Cardinals | 7-2 | How in God's fuck do you survive Palmer giving up two retarded fumbles? Well, mamma always said, "God smiles on fools and idiots". |
| 4 (5) | Minnesota Vikings | 7-2 | Clowning your fans again? Shameful shit! |
| 5 (2) | Cincinnati Bengals | 8-1 | I always wanted a Red Rider BB gun, but my mother told me I would shoot my eye out with that thing. |
| 6 (6) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 6-4 | Nice job by your backup. |
| 7 (12) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-3 | You received the rare advancement on a bye week, due to the full fucktardessness of the teams above you. |
| 8 (7) | Denver Broncos | 7-2 | Peyton ded. |
| 9 (8) | Green Bay Packers | 6-3 | The good Lord knows I want to drop you further, but you've broken my heart too many times before, to trust this is the real collapse. |
| 10 (13) | Buffalo Bills | 5-4 | It's nice to see one of the Ryan's are still employed. |
| 11 (10) | New York Giants | 5-5 | WTF???? You had their ass beat again! |
| 12 (18) | Houston Texans | 4-5 | "J J what?" "I was red riding your mom last night." Sorry, I'm still stuck on better comebacks for Andy Dalton. |
| 13 (16) | Indianapolis Colts | 4-5 | Another bye rise based on the complete ineptitude of the teams above you. Lacerated kidney, my ass. Sorry, I'm still stuck on better comebacks for Andy Dalton. |
| 14 (9) | New York Jets | 5-4 | At least they didn't carry Rex Ryan off the field on their shoulders. Ask Lions fans about that one. |
| 15 (20) | Chicago Bears | 4-5 | It's a woman's prerogative not to say anything negative about their love. I exercise that right. |
| 16 (21) | Kansas City Chiefs | 4-5 | I'm too drunk to check my notes. You must have won. |
| 17 (14) | Philadelphia Eagles | 4-5 | Cip Kelly has already screwed my over/under on how long he would be a head coach. |
| 18 (15) | Saint Louis Rams | 4-5 | Nick Foles got benched because he couldn't score on the Bears. That's like striking out with the fat girl at the bar. |
| 19 (17) | Oakland Raiders | 4-5 | Let me guess, you all had lutefisk the night before the game? |
| 20 (22) | Washington Redskins | 4-5 | Of course you won, you were facing a Rob Ryan defense. Don't get all hard and get all helicopter dick on us. |
| 21 (11) | Seattle Seahawks | 4-5 | Remember when you had that huge "home field advantage"? Good times. |
| 22 (23) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 4-5 | 10-6 victory? Sounds like Lovie. |
| 23 (25) | Miami Dolphins | 4-5 | You've exceeded my expectations of you. I expected noting. |
| 24 (19) | New Orleans Saints | 4-6 | I don't see this ending well for you. |
| 25 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 3-6 | Who doesn't enjoy winning, and hearing the NFL come out the next day and say, "We fucked up."? |
| 26 (26) | San Francisco 49ers | 3-6 | No way in hell I'm giving you the benefit of the bye. |
| 27 (24) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-7 | Sure, the NFL fucked up, but the facemask...JESUS! |
| 28 (27) | Tennessee Titans | 2-7 | The nice thing for Titans fans is that thay will always be able to say, "Well at least we got beat by a team with a better record", Packer fans only got to use that excuse for one week. |
| 29 (29) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-7 | The good news: Romo may not be coming back too late. Bad news: Romo may not be coming back too late. |
| 30 (32) | Detroit Lions | 2-7 | I LOVE YOU GUYS! *slightly drunk |
| 31 (31) | San Diego Chargers | 2-7 | You'll always be "Te wales vagina" to me. |
| 32 (30) | Cleveland Browns | 2-8 | Turd swastika. |