I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Football use to be a pleasant distraction for me. I’d sit down after a long week of work and forget my troubles as I cheered on my favorite teams. Well, that all went to shit in a hurry this week. My favorite college team, Notre Dame, got their asses waxed on Saturday. In just three short hours, they went from National Championship contenders, to laughing stock, and just one more team who will have to wait ’til next year.
No biggie, right? I still had my Bears coming off their bye week, facing a Packer team missing Aaron Rodgers and coming off a short week. Surely they would notch a win and buoy my sagging spirits…
You know what? Fuck it. The world is a shitty place, and we all have to muddle though the best we can.
The world is on the brink of war in the Middle East and South East Asia.
People driving vehicles into crowds of civilians on a weekly basis.
It seems every couple of months we are talking about the deadliest mass shootings in history, and all our government can do is offer thoughts and prayers.
Alabama would rather elect a pedophile than give up a Republican senate seat.
And, don’t get me started on the Trump administration…
Come to think of it, it’s probably a little bit much to ask football to make that all go away.
Thank god for alcohol.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 25)
1851 – Moby-Dick, a novel by Herman Melville about the voyage of the whaling ship Pequod, is published. Also, some dude named Ishmael took a pee squat on your mother’s back with his Moby dick.
1914 – On November 14, 1914, in Constantinople, capital of the Ottoman Empire, the religious leader Sheikh-ul-Islam declares an Islamic holy war on behalf of the Ottoman government. Perhaps a little bit late to jump on the WWI bandwagon, the sheikh pulls of a sexy double whammy by allying with Germany and declaring a holy war. You may question his judgement, but you can’t question the bastards style.
1970 – On November 14, 1970, a chartered jet carrying most of the Marshall University football team clips a stand of trees and crashes into a hillside just two miles from the Tri-State Airport in Kenova, West Virginia. It all turned out OK. Mathew McConaughey became their coach and saved the program or something.
It almost makes me gag to say it, but the New Orleans Saints are winners of 7 in a row, and they’re making it look easy.
I have to go with the New York Giants who managed to let the 0-9 49ers rack up their first win of the season.
YOU SAID IT
Donny – Its crazy for you to be critical of me without anything added to the conversation.
MIB – Fine, I’ll be critical and add something to the conversation. Donny, you’re a retarded dork. Also, translucent dicks with red and blue pulsating veins are all the rage for Christmas this year. Be sure to rush out and order yours today.
Special this week, I’ve decided to let Packer fans take us to the rankings:
(with a special guest appearance from some moron who roots for the Vikings)
SDL – “MM is a bad coach” – Francais Andrew
I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this – repeatedly – for many years… a decade even.
… but where? and from whom?
… oh yeah, RIGHT HERE and FROM ME
Donny – MM isn’t a bad coach tho
MKE – Mike McCarthy is a highly successful football coach.
Shooter – MM is a good coach when he has a HOF QB.
Preparation_A – Mike McCarthy is good at some things and not as good at others.
thatsalottapotatoes – I blame McCarthy for spending 3 years on a guy without the ability to throw down the field. Play calling hamstrung by Hundley’s arm.
Preparation_A – McCarthy is bad at keeping donuts out of his fuckin mouth
28-3 Never F
28-3 Never Fo
28-3 Never For
28-3 Never Forg
28-3 Never Forge
28-3 Never Forget#RiseUp
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
|1||W7||Philadelphia Eagles||8-1||Keep winning so your fans don't have to be reminded that they live in a shit hole who's only claim to fame is a roast beef sandwich with melted cheese on a toasted bun.|
|2||W5||Minnesota Vikings||7-2||The whole world is waiting for you to implode and hand the division to the Packers just for the lulz.|
|3||W5||New England Patroits||7-2||Bill Belichick channels his inner Jesus to heal Marty Bennett's shoulder.|
|4||W7||New Orleans Saints||7-2||There is simply no way to blame your success on Obama.
|5||W4||Los Angeles Rams||7-2||With all the illegal fucking and touching going on in Los Angeles, I'm surprised your opponents haven't filed charges yet.|
|6||W4||Pittsburgh Steelers||7-2||Don't think we don't know you're one of the two teams leading your division who lost to the Bears.|
|Kansas City Chiefs||6-3||Time to come off your bye and wake up. Hopefully that old coot that paints your field had his Snickers.
LOL I love that old dude.
|8||W4||Tennessee Titans||6-3||You're 6-3 and winners of 4 straight. I don't think I could come up with a better example to explain how badly the NFL sucks right now.|
|9||W3||Jacksonville Jaguars||6-3||I'm not required to say anything nice about any franchise, in fact, it's kind of discourage here, but...
With the shit your franchise has been through, it's kind of cool to see you guys bring it every week. Keep up the good work.
|10||W3||Carolina Panthers||7-3||Hmmm, what do you have in common with the Steelers?
|11||W1||Seattle Seahawks||6-3||Not sure why, but the loss of Richard Sherman reminded me of a quote from the Princess Bride:
" It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead."
|12||W1||Atlanta Falcons||5-4||I trolled you enough in the article. I don't want to pile it on and hurt little queer feelings.|
|13||L1||Dallas Cowboys||5-4||You on the other hand...
Zeke's gone, Jerry Jones is challenging Goodell to whip his dick on the table, and you lose to the floundering Falcons.
You're a fucking train wreck.
|14||L2||Buffalo Bills||5-4||Hello Lions of the AFC.|
|15||W2||Detroit Lions||5-4||I'm too lazy to look up whether anyone else had to come back to win against the browns.|
|Oakland Raiders||4-5||Raiders break ground with Vegas ceremony.
Nice quiet bye week, huh?
|17||L1||Washington Redskins||4-5||You can't stop Case Keenum, you can only hope to contain him.
|Baltimore Ravens||4-5||THIS is exactly what pisses me off about power rankings.
You motherfuckers have a bye, and I still have to waste my energy coming up with some stupid fucking blurb for your retarded asses.
|19||W1||Green Bay Packers||5-4||It has to be a huge comfort having the Bears in your division.|
|20||L3||Miami Dophins||4-5||The fun narrative is to blame Cutler for your losses, but sadly, Jay doesn't pay defense, and apparently he's not the only one on the team who doesn't play D.|
|21||L1||Arizona Cardinals||4-5||So far you've won every other week, beating the Colts, 49ers, Bucs, and 49ers.
There's a very good chance your next win will be week 17 against the Giants.
|22||W1||Tampa Bay Bucanneers||3-6||I'm no odds guy, but I'm guessing with your win over the Jets, your chances of finishing the season at .500 just went up a couple of thousandths of a percent.|
|23||L1||New York Jets||4-6||It's sucks to know you could tank the rest of the season and still end up picking tenth in next years draft.|
|24||L2||Los Angeles Chargers||3-6||Don't fuck up and hurry Rivers back. It so much easier on a fan base when they can make excuses for you sucking.|
|25||L2||Chicago Bears||3-6||Congratulations on winning your challenge, you fucking morons.|
|26||L2||Cincinnati Bengals||3-6||In the next four weeks you face the Broncos, Browns and Bears. You have a chance to really shake up the bottom of the rankings.|
|27||L3||Houston Texans||3-6||Remember when you use to count on your defense to keep things close?
|28||L5||Denver Broncos||3-6||Time to break out the old Cutler jerseys.|
|29||L1||Indianapolis Colts||3-7||Pagano defends medical staff. "It says right here in the manual, "If Scott Tolzien is your only option, there is no concussion.""|
|30||W1||San Francisco 49ers||1-9||Congratulations. I honestly never thought you would get this high in the rankings.|
|31||L3||New York Giants||1-8||No shame in losing to the 49ers.|
|32||L9||Cleveland Browns||0-9||If I were you, I'd put all my effort into game planning for the Bears in week 17.|