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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 12 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Perhaps I’m just being lazy, but I truly don’t believe I couldn’t troll Packer fans, or summarize the significance of this weeks biggest upset any better than simply repeating the words of one of their faithful fans. So, without further ado, I give you the gruff, but lovable, SDL:

I’m not big on predictions. Parity and the bizzaro world of officiating at both the NCAA and NFL levels have yielded some stunningly fucked up results.
Yeah – game altering / outcome determinative
However, as I pointed out to a fan of Da Bearss with whom I am required to work, this game has the makings of a colossal ass whupping
I wouldn’t be surprised if it has some similarities with the beat down the Bron-Chose put on the Packers in Denver…
…. with more points
The fucking Bron-Chose were having some fucking anniversary party. Amped up the team and the crowd.
The Packers were on the receiving end.
With Starr, Favre, and the hated Bearss in the house, the atmosphere may be similar and lead to similar results.

When a Bears fan had the audacity to suggest the Bears had a chance to win this game, SDL felt compelled to respond:

(Nardo)
“What the hell context is needed? Packers aren’t all that good right now.” – Bearss honk
——
(SDL)
ORLY?
I disagree. The Packers have been playing like shit. They can – and are very likely – to play better.
They already beat Da Bearss at the ManHole
The stars are aligned for a massive ass-kicking.
Huge.
Three (3) Fist Ballot HOF’ers, four (4) Lombardies, multiple multiple League MVPs, multiple multiple SB MVPs
I would not want to go into Lambeau on Turkey Day, in prime time, under these circumstances.

 

WELL PUT. WELL SAID. BRAVO!

PS – SUCK. MY. FAT. HOG.

 

WEEK 12 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

Even during a week when teams like the Packers and Patriots decided to blow chunks, I managed to go 10-6 with my picks. Any week I’m over .500 and remain above ground, is a good week.

My year to date record is still a respectable 109-67.

So, here are my week 13 predictions:

Week 13 Predictions

WinnerLoser
Green BayDetroit (H)
New York JetsNew York Giants (H)
ArizonaSt Louis (H)
AtlantaTampa Bay (H)
Minnesota (H)Seattle
Houston Buffalo (H)
BaltimoreMiami (H)
Cincinnati Cleveland (H)
JacksonvilleTennessee (H)
Chicago (H)San Francisco
DenverSan Diego (H)
Kansas CityOakland (H)
CarolinaNew Orleans (H)
New England (H)Philadelphia
IndianapolisPittsburgh (H)
WashingtonDallas (H)

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)

1804 – Napoleon Bonaparte crowned emperor of France.

At 5’6″ tall, Napoleon Can inspire the vertically challenged such as myself, Nardo, or Raji, that we can rise to great heights, or, at a minimum, where a tall hat.

1823 – Monroe doctrine declared. The Monroe Doctrine forbade European interference in the American hemisphere but also asserted U.S. neutrality in regard to future European conflicts.

Introduced by President James Monroe, it is fairly apparent that someone from Europe was sleeping with Monroe’s wife. In any case, it eventually allowed us to wipe out the native Americans and rip off millions of acres of land to create the greatest country in the world, MURICA!

1859 – Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his part in the raid on Harpers Ferry.

Some view Brown’s hanging as the spark that ignited the Civil War. I prefer to view it as a necessary evil, in order to allow coach Herman Boone to say years later, “You fumble the football, and I will break my foot off in your John Brown hind parts and then you will run a mile.”

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

Team Deez Nuts lost a close game this week. The saddest part is that we were taken out by a kicker on Monday night. At any rate, with one week left in the regular season, I am guaranteed a playoff spot. Yeah me!

Pro Tip: Don’t bench running backs who are going against the Bears.

WHO’S HOT

The Carolina Panthers remain the NFL’s only undefeated team. 16-0 is a real possibility. Their remaining schedule is easier than a two dollar hooker, but I think it’s a safe bet that the 1972 Dolphins will be popping champagne corks come playoff time.

WHO’S NOT

The Green Bay Packers have now lost four of their last five games, and two of those were to divisional opponents at Lambeau.

YOU SAID IT

MaC – MIB never quotes me in these.

MIB – I can’t understand how could I possibly gloss over witty, original and riveting gems such as this?

Big Deal – What’s your endgame here MIB? This Packers ranking reeks of some long con.

MIB – How’s it smell a week later?

LambeauOrWrigley – Thanks giving is a time for sharing with friends and family and being thankful for all we are blessed. And I am having Thanksgiving dinner with one die hard Vikes fan and another group of Bears fans. I am visualizing already the silly grin on my face all day.

MIB – I’m visualizing the exact moment that silly grin left your face.

 

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

FYS Week 12 Power Rankings

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(2)
Carolina Panthers11-0I'm guessing I'm the only idiot who will have you ranked this high.
2
(3)
Arizona Cardinals9-2Quaker Oats has a job waiting for Bruce Arians, just as soon a Wilferd Brimley kicks the bucket.
3
(6)
Cincinnati Bengals9-2Looks like the "Red Rifle", AKA The "Dog's dick", AKA Andy Dalton, really broke it off in the Rams ass this weekend.
4
(7)
Denver Broncos9-2Brock Osweiler is out to prove he's more than just Peyton Manning's fluffer.
5
(1)
New England patriots10-1Based on the ideal gas law, and the temperature on Sunday night, Brady can't blame the air pressure in the balls for this loss.
6
(8)
Minnesota Vikings8-3The Packers still hold the tiebreaker for the division. This seems like a setup to me.
7
(9)
Houston Texans6-5You may need a bigger bandwagon, now that the Cowboys are officially fucked.
8
(11)
Indianapolis Colts6-5It has to be horrifying to wake up every Monday and realize you're still in Indiana.
9
(13)
Kansas City Chiefs6-5Who says white guys can't dance? Travis kelce is white, and he kind of danced.
10
(15)
Seattle Seahawks6-5Breaking news:
Russell Wislon accidentally throws all of the season's remaining TDs in one game.
11
(17)
New York Jets6-5Holy crap! I have you ranked WAY too high.
12
(18)
Chicago Bears5-6Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, let the Bears have this moment right now!
13
(5)
Green Bay Packers7-4Packers WRs haven't played great, but scolding them like children on the field doesn't seem like the best play.
-BWC
The Packers should hire a Hug Coordinator for positive reinforcement.
-Big Deal
14
(4)
Pittsburgh Steelers6-5Roethlisberger - It's just a migraine, not a concussion.
Doctor -Sounds reasonable. How may fingers am I holding up?
Roethlisberger - Eleven.
15
(24)
Washington Redskins5-6I have a friend who's a Redskins fan, and when I proposed that he get a reality show called "Kissing Kirk Cousins", he wasn't opposed to the idea.
16
(12)
Atlanta Falcons6-5How does Matt Ryan plan on getting out of his current slump? According to his weekly radio show, it's a supportive wife.
``Sarah gave me a hug on Sunday,'' he said.
Falcons fans have to be fired up to hear that!
17
(14)
Buffalo Bills5-6Apparently Rex Ryan's entire season goal was to beat the Jets.
Congrats, Rex!
18
(16)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers5-6Lovie is talking playoffs.
We need to book Jim Mora on some talk shows!
19
(23)
Oakland Raiders5-6Thank God for the Titans, when the ship needs rightin'!
20
(10)
New York Giants5-6Losing to the Redskins isn't going to look good on your resume.
21
(19)
St Louis Rams4-7Coach Fisher is cute as a button when he's angry.
22
(26)
Baltimore Ravens4-7It may turn out to be your only highlight of the year, but a walk-off field goal by your defensive special teams is impressive.
23
(20)
Philadelphia Eagles4-7I get the sense that we are only a loss or two away from an epic Chip Kelly rant.
I can't wait!
24
(21)
Jacksonville Jaguars4-7I've been at this a while now, and in my professional opinion, I can see you winning...or losing, the rest of your games.
25
(29)
Detroit Lions4-7Giving Detroit area fans false hope since 1957.
26
(22)
New Orleans Saints4-7You need another Katrina.
27
(31)
San Diego Chargers3-8Why would you snap a six game losing streak, when you are so close to taking over the top spot in the draft?
28
(25)
Miami Dolphins4-7I can't wait to here your fans bitch about being ranked behind a 3-8 team.
29
(27)
Dallas Cowboys3-8At 3-8, a broken collar bone is the best thing that could have happened to you.
30
(28)
San Francisco 49ers3-8Blaine Gabbert is proof that you don't have to spend 11 million dollars on a quarterback to lose games.
31
(30)
Tennessee Titans2-9Did you see what the Browns did to hang on to that top draft spot? You'd better up your game. And, by "up your game"...ah, fuck it. You know what I mean.
32
(32)
Cleveland Browns2-9Have you been taking notes from the Lions again?