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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 13 NFL Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Holy crap! The season is three quarters of the way over. It’s crunch time. December football is where we separate the men from the boys, or as they say in England, a normal evening.

This week, the teams ranked 29-31 (and not just in my rankings), all won last weekend. It’s officially silly season. Teams with noting to win, also have nothing to lose. Teams with everything on the line, are battling trough injuries and feeling the pressure to make the playoffs.

A lot of people have been saying this has been a shit year in the NFL, but I disagree. Many of the games have been ugly, the number of egregious errors by referees is off the charts, but maybe this is what parity in the NFL looks like. After twelve games, the only team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs is the Cleveland Browns. Granted, it may take a miracle for a few of the teams to make it, but it is still possible.

So, grab your comfy slippers, your favorite beverage, and melt into your lucky chair. Enjoy the final four weeks of the regular season with me, you’re guru and bestest friend.

ADDENDUM

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Alfred, Lord Tennyson


1.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

2.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!”
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldier knew
Someone had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

3.
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

4.
Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turn’d in air,
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

5.
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

6.
When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.

 

WEEK 14 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING

I took it up the pooper this week. I guess that will happen when the teams ranked 29-31 all win. At any rate, I went 7-9 on the week, and my Year to date record is now 116-76.

So, here are my week 14 predictions:

 

WinnerLoser
Miami (H)New York Giants
Arizona (H)Minnesota
BuffaloPhiladelphia (H)
San FranciscoCleveland (H)
St Louis (H)Detroit
Tampa Bay (H)New Orleans
New York Jets (H)Tennessee
Cincinnati (H)Pittsburgh
IndianapolisJacksonville (H)
Kansas City (H)San Diego
Chicago (H)Washington
Carolina (H)Atlanta
SeattleBaltimore (H)
Denver (H)Oakland
Green Bay (H)Dallas
New England Houston (H)

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)

1854 – “The charge of the Light Brigade” is published by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Read it. It will make you a better person.

1942 – Bears great, and Hall Of Fame linebacker, Dick Butkus was born.
And, you thought Suh was dirty.

1965 – “A Charlie Brown Christmas” premiered.
This must be Robbie Gould’s favorite movie of all time.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM

Team Deez Nuts lost a close game this week, but I still took first place in my division, and I will be taking on Chris Carter’s Fall Guys (AKA, MKE) in round one of the playoffs,

Pro Tip: Don’t draft players from your rival team. I t will drive you nuts.

WHO’S HOT

The Kansas City Chiefs ave now won six in a row, including three away games within their division.

WHO’S NOT

The New England Patriots. Losers of two straight, and there isn’t a fan from another team who gives a single fuck.

YOU SAID IT

natesweet – I made it before the poop arrives.

MIB – No, actually, you came right after the poop.

 

MKE – Lions should be ahead of Chicago.

MIB – Did you mean, “Give head to Chicago”?

 

AllSaintsRow – MIBs rankings are the only articles I read.

MIB – It’s my honor to have as a fan, the only person who can read South of the Mason Dixon Line.

 

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(1)
Carolina Panthers12-0You kids these days and your damn "Dapping",
2
(2)
Arizona Cardinals10-2Ramming it to a ram is illegal in at least 39 of the 50 states.
3
(3)
Cincinnati Bengals10-2I'm going to invent a Carson polymer to bind your fan base together.
4
(4)
Denver Broncos10-2I hope Peyton has a clause in his contract that allows him to throw at least one pass if you make it to the Superbowl.
5
(9)
Kansas City Chiefs8-5I sure hope Andy Reid has a plan to take Alex Smith one win further than he ever took Donovan McNabb.
6
(5)
New England Patriots10-2You've run out of depth chart. time to devise your next cheating scheme.
7
(10)
Seattle Seahawks7-5You're like the relatives who just don't know when it's time to leave.
Don't mistake our endurance for hospitality.
8
(11)
New York Jets7-5I told Fitzpatrick to shave is stupid beard five weeks ago, and that stupid bastard wouldn't listen.
9
(14)
Pittsburgh Steelers7-5Steelers are relying on the deep ball.
“We’re not afraid to take shots,” Roethlisberger said.
"I'm DTF, if you know what I mean."
10
(13)
Green Bay Packers8-4Thank God for the LOLions!
11
(6)
Minnesota Vikings8-4Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer had Adrian Peterson's son talk to the team after last weeks game, on how to handle the emotional scars from such a ruthless beat down.
12
(7)
Houston Texans6-6Fuck the Patriots for a third week in a row, and I will be forever in your debt.
13
(8)
Indianapolis Colts6-6Just lose already!
For fuck's sake, Pagano has already survived cancer, why do you want him to have a heart attack?
14
(17)
Buffalo Bills 6-6Rex Ryan is the white version of Lovie Smith.
15
(18)
Tampa Bay Bucanneers6-6Lovie Smith is the white version of Mike Tomlin.
16
(23)
Philadelphia Eagles5-7The Chip Kelly debate rages on:
"He's an insane cunt!"
"He's a genius!"
17
(12)
Chicago Bears5-7Time for a new long snapper and kicker.
Lucy and Charlie Brown are available.
18
(15)
Washington Redskins5-7Please be kind to the Bears, they are in a very delicate state.
19
(28)
Miami Dolphins5-7You're 5-7.
You beat te Ravens by two points.
You'er about as satisfying as going to your grandmothers on Sunday and finding a bowl of hard butterscotch candy.
20
(19)
Oakland Raiders5-7You can still make your coaches farewell tour memorable.
21
(20)
New York Giants5-7What in the name of fuck does it take to get Tom Coughlin fired?
22
(16)
Atlanta Falcons6-6I can't thank you enough for shutting up your fans.
Kudos to you!
23
(21)
St Louis Rams4-8Jeff Fisher will always have a porn career to fall back on. Those mustaches don't grow on trees.
24
(22)
Baltimore Ravens4-8No dishonor in losing to Miami on the road.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
25
(24)
Jacksonville Jaguars4-8The Irony is not lost on me that you and the Titans combine for the highest scoring game of the weekend.
26
(29)
Dallas Cowboys4-8What did you expect? You are the asshole of Texas.
The ring muscle of the mudwhistle, if you will.
27
(30)
San Francisco 49ers4-8Blaine Gabbert is the next Matt Flynn!
That bastard ran through the Bears defense like it was...well, the Bears defense.
28
(25)
Detroit Lions4-8WOW!
JUST, WOW!
Personally, I consider what you do to your fans as domestic violence.
29
(26)
New Orleans Saints4-8Still in love with Sean Payton and Drew Brees?
Good, because they fucked your franchise.
30
(31)
Tennessee Titans3-9Let me be the first to say, Congratulations on your third win of the 2015 season.
OK, probably the only one to congratulate you on that.
31
(27)
San Diego Chargers3-9You're making a very strong case to be the next franchise in Los Angeles.
32
(32)
Cleveland Browns2-10Nothing an arrogant, immature, alcoholic can't fix.