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Can't Miss Slants

What to Hate About Dallas

This week, I take my talents to the Metroplex, Dallas, TX, where the Packers have a home game against the self-entitled whiny pissant Dallas Cowboys. Never has a team been picked by so many to win Super Bowls year after year with such a record of futility. The Dallas Cowboys are an accident waiting to happen and this season the accident landed on their top WR, their star QB (twice) and you might want to tell your PR guy to coach the guy who loves to beat the shit out of women, how to talk in front of the camera. They say that everything is bigger in Texas, so I will have to make my 10 pieces of hate really count this week

But before I get started, I just wish to offer my total disgust for Cowboys fans in general.  Just because you have a large fan base, doesn’t mean you deserve to be talked about for the Super Bowl every fucking preseason.  You have won 2 playoff games since 1996 for fucks sake.  The media fell hook, line and sinker for your line of bullshit this offseason based on the fucked up premise that your entire team could repeat having a career year again. HEY FUCKWAD!  They call it a career year because it’s the best one you have in your career, not to be duplicated.  You self-entitled little pissants every year boast about your Super Bowl chances and more often than not you finish it in the neighborhood of 8-8.  CONGRATS!  You are officially in NFL purgatory.  What once was awful will one day be great, and what once was great will one day be awful.  8-8 is forever!  I think it is funny the supposed largest fanbase in America plays every home game in front of 15,000 fans for the opposing team, even more if the team has a large following like the Packers, Steelers or Giants. Jerry Jones is a fucking imbecile at running a football  team  and would hire Jeffrey Dahmer if he thought he could rush the quarterback.  He fell ass backwards into 3 Super Bowl titles because the Vikings are just about the most worthless piece of shit franchise in the history of worthless piece of shit franchises.  I hope you continue this decade long ineptitude by signing Johnny Manziel this offseason, and your owner is stupid enough and full of himself enough to do it!

Now, that I got that out of my system, on with the hate!

1) Elevator Music. In 1956, the Statler Hotel in Dallas, is recognized as being the first to play music in the elevator making people nationwide wish the elevator would plummet to the ground for reasons other than the guy standing next to having not showered.

2) Texas BBQ. Most BBQ in America is based off of pork products, and they are delicious. Ribs, pulled pork, burnt ends. Does Texas do it this way? Noooooooooooooo, they have to have their own thing and use beef. Why you ask? Because they’re Texas, so fuck you, that’s why.

3) Who needs water? Dallas is the largest American city not built on a navigable body of water, so that means that nothing can come to or leave from Dallas via cargo ship. No wonder the traffic fucking sucks

4) Barney. Yes, that purple little fuzzball of a dinosaur who taught kids the words to “I love you, you love me” is from Dallas. God, I want to hang that fucker from a tree.

5) High School Football. While much has been made of the pageantry of High School Football in the State of Texas, 30,000 people showing up to watch 16 year olds do anything strikes me as something I shouldn’t be a part of.

6) The weather. By God! Why do I have to endure triple digit temperatures into October? And you don’t have a retractable roof over your baseball stadium. Who wouldn’t want to come out to watch the Rangers for a 1:05 start in the middle of July after all?

7) Skip Bayless. While not born there. The Dallas Morning News is the Paper that really launched his career. Seriously, fuck you in the face.

8) It is so spread out. While Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes, Dallas is the land of 10,000 suburbs.  You might work downtown and live in McKinney, which is like driving from Canada to Nebraska for work.

9) The Tunnels.  45 years ago or so, somebody thought it would be a great idea to escape the summer heat, what they didn’t realize is nobody wanted to walk through a dingy tunnel, and thus nobody uses them.

10) Everything is bigger in Texas. From boots, to hats, to portion size to douchebaggery and righteous condemnation. Texas is the Super Size Me State.

Bonus Hate:  This one doesn’t have much to do with Dallas but the State of Texas.  There is a food item popular in Texas called King Ranch Casserole, which seems decent enough.  However, while King Ranch is located in Texas, there is no discernable connection between the dish and the Ranch.  Speaking of King Ranch however, that place is beyond fucking huge.  The size of King Ranch is 825,000 acres (imagine the property taxes on that shit!) or roughly 1,290 square miles. (Imagine a plot of land 43 miles wide and 30 miles long).  The state of Rhode Island by comparison has 1,212 square miles or 775,900 acres.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Next week we travel to the Black Hole to visit the Oakland Raiders.  That stadium is the famous site of the famous game that Brett Favre played the day after his father died.  I think I wasn’t the only Packers fans crying during the game.  Raiders fans are known the wild, angry and violent, which isn’t a good combination when you are wearing shoulder pads with metal spikes on them.  But Oakland is such a fucking shithole, it will be like doing a Detroit article with a West Coast twist.