I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
Playoffs are set!
Miami is in, Kansas is out, Philly is in, and Dallas is out, and that’s the way it will stay, until at least Thursday.
December is silly season in the NFL. Teams fight for coveted playoff spots, and jostle for seeding. Fans yell at their TVs, beat their wives, and kick their dogs, not unlike the players themselves. Bear’s fans watch in helpless angst as their team slips in the draft order, Lion’s fans await the inevitable collapse, and Jaguar’s fans punch in and out of thankless jobs, with nothing whatsoever to look forward to. Packer’s fans forgive Dom Capers and Mike McCarthy of all their transgressions, Saints fans faithfully defend Drew ‘Pad Your Stats’ Brees, and the lucky New York fans work high enough up, that the jump will kill them.
God, I love this game!
In The News
Former Baltimore Raven’s running back Ray Rice has won his appeal and is eligible to play immediately. The only question is who is desperate enough to sign him? $$$$
Some of the St Louis Rams players entered the game on Sunday with the “Hands Up; Don’t Shoot” gesture in support of the protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. The NFL has no intention of shooting fining these players.
Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft are listed as witnesses in the Aaron Hernandez trial. While they are among 300 witnesses listed, and may not be called to the stand, I am secretly hoping to see Belichick testify.
Who’s Hot
The Green Bay Packers winners of eight of their last nine games, since Aaron Rodgers now famous R-E-L-A-X comment. Rodgers may need to deliver another R-E-L-A-X message to their fans in order to prevent premature ejaculation.
Who’s Not
The New York Giants have lost six straight, and did it with style, allowing the 2-10 Jaguars to come from 21 points down.
You Said It
curtislivefryer – OK MIB I didn’t see anymore [errors]
Andylet445 – This writer sucks
“Your like a Volvo”
JJ – Thanks for the backup, asshole. BTW, anymore should be two words in this case.
JJ JayskerNation – The first time I finger banged a white girl, my hand came out with a diploma, a proof of good credit form, & a Pandora bracelet for my mom.
JJ – My first time ended in a lot of crying.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Green Bay Packers | 9-3 | These rankings are as rank as a big old chunk of stinky Limburger cheese! |
| 2 (1) | New England Patriots | 9-3 | Excuses are like assholes. Face it, you lost. |
| 3 (3) | Philadelphia Eagles | 9-3 | What Chip Kelly has done with Mark Sanchez, is nothing short of polishing a turd. |
| 4 (4) | Denver Broncos | 9-3 | Tennessee Vol fans and Indy fans would like to say, "Enjoy it while it lasts". |
| 5 (9) | Cincinnati Bengals | 8-3-1 | I know you're from Ohio, but all of my searches come up with LeBron and Manziel. If you want to get noticed, you might want to consider signing Ray Rice. |
| 6 (12) | Indianapolis Colts | 8-4 | You little farts. Silent but deadly. |
| 7 (13) | Seattle Seahawks | 8-4 | People might like you better if yu were cartoon characters, like Richard Sherman in those Campbell soup ads. You should think about it. |
| 8 (15) | Detroit Lions | 8-4 | I love it when you get your fans hopes up. The melt is so much sweeter. |
| 9 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 9-3 | And your fans thought last year was disappointing... |
| 10 (6) | Dallas Cowboys | 8-4 | A big ole bird flew in to Dallas and shit on your head. The End |
| 11 (16) | San Diego Chargers | 8-4 | I'm a bit concerned. It's very unlike you to win when it matters. |
| 12 (7) | Kansas City Chiefs | 7-5 | I bet you wish you could get a do over on the Oakland game. |
| 13 (18) | Miami Dolphins | 7-5 | I was trying to figure out why the Jets didn't try to throw more. I guess they answered that. |
| 14 (8) | San Francisco 49ers | 7-5 | I guess it's a good thing when everybody is talking about the trade value of your head coach. Right? |
| 15 (17) | Buffalo Bills | 7-5 | It's got to get old watching Kyle point to the plaque in the locker room and say, "There's two O's in Orton, boys." |
| 16 (10) | Baltimore Ravens | 7-5 | I commend you on a flatulent effort against the Chargers. |
| 17 (11) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 7-5 | I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you'll be talking about time management this week. |
| 18 (14) | Cleveland Browns | 7-5 | Going to Manziel, huh? ESPN will be a 24 hour Cleveland news channel. Thanks a lot. |
| 19 (20) | Houston Texans | 6-6 | I have to assume one of the Titans defensemen made some of color comment about Fitzpatrick's wife. |
| 20 (21) | Atlanta Falcons | 5-7 | I guess somebody has to win the division. |
| 21 (22) | St Louis Rams | 5-7 | Saving the best for last? Oh, wait...it was just the Raiders. |
| 22 (23) | Minnesota Vikings | 5-7 | Your offense outscored your special teams. It's a step in the right direction. |
| 23 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 5-7 | I'm counting on you to improve the Bears draft position. |
| 24 (19) | Chicago Bears | 5-7 | You've taken on the character of your head coach. You are an amorphous mass of a lesbian. |
| 25 (30) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-10 | This is a charity jump for at least showing some heart. |
| 26 (25) | Carolina Panthers | 3-8-1 | If it's any consolation, Minnesota would have beat you with the blocked punts alone. |
| 27 (26) | New York Jets | 2-10 | You're the best NFL team in New York. Maybe. |
| 28 (27) | New York Giants | 3-9 | If horseshit had an equal, it would be you. |
| 29 (28) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-10 | Seattle is the only team allowed a 12th man. Look it up, IT'S IN THE GENEVA CONVENTION! |
| 30 (29) | Washington Redskins | 3-9 | For the love of Christ, you find interesting ways to lose. |
| 31 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 2-10 | Is your helmet logo intended to symbolize your team flaming out? |
| 32 (31) | Oakland Raiders | 1-11 | Honeymoon's over. Back to the cellar. |