I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
My power rankings will be brought to you by: Shorts Queen Bee Imperial Amber Ale, Jack Daniels, and Bob James Pandora radio.
GREAT NEWS! January 28th, 30 for 30 will be featuring the 1985 Bears! I realize most of you weren’t around (or old enough) to understand the hype around this team, but I was a young 21 year old buck (stud field mouse) when my Bears won the Superbowl, and if this documentary is done well, you should choke back your puke and give it a watch.
Parity in the NFL is some funny shit. The quintessential parity in the NFL, would be for every team to go 8-8, and all the playoff spots to be decided by tiebreakers. That sounds very fucking boring to me, but based on the standings the past few years, we may not be far off.
I’ll be the first to tell you that we have seen some crap football, but it begs the question, “Why?”
In my most humble opinion, there are three contributing factors.
1. The rookie wage scale has given teams the ability to take more risk. They can throw the rookies out sooner and see what they have. It worked with Russell Wilson, not so much with Colin Kaepernick, but what have the 49ers lost? They are paying him 15 million this year, but they can cut him next year and only lose 7,3 million towards their cap.
2. Escalating salary cap. This goes hand in hand with #1. Teams can structure contracts to pay players up front, and lose very little if their gamble fails. Big name free agents are able to chase new contracts, and teams have funds to go after them.
3. The rookie wage scale and escalating salary cap have made veteran free agents available every year which can immediately step in and have and impact a team.
I truly don’t believe the talent has dipped overall, I just think it is more wide spread, readily available, and more affordable. Like it or not, this is what parity looks like.
Over the past 15 years, two of the most successful franchises have ad diametrically opposed philosophies.The Green Bay Packers are draft and develop. the New England Patriots are fill the gap, whether that’s trough the draft or free agency.
Time will tell if both of these philosophies can be sustainable, but there is no doubt the landscape of the NFL is changing. One thing remains a constant, it doesn’t hurt to have a Hall Of Fame quarterback at the helm.
WEEK 14 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
This week was just, meh. I went 8-8 on the week, bringing my Year to date record to 124-84.
So, here are my week 15 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| Tampa Bay | St Louis (H) |
| New York Jets | Dallas (H) |
| Minnesota (H) | Chicago |
| Jacksonville (H) | Atlanta |
| Houston | Indianapolis (H) |
| Carolina | New York Giants (H) |
| New England (H) | Tennessee |
| Washington (H) | Buffalo |
| Kansas City | Baltimore (H) |
| Seattle (H) | Cleveland |
| Green Bay | Oakland (H) |
| Pittsburgh (H) | Denver |
| Miami | San Diego (H) |
| Cincinnati | San Francisco (H) |
| Arizona | Philadelphia (H) |
| New Orleans (H) | Detroit |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (November 25)
1773 – The Boston tea party.
As it turns out, the Patriots smuggled the tea off the ships and tossed bales of hay in the Boston Harbor, but trust me, it wasn’t the first time the patriots cheated, and it won’t be the last.
1944 – The battle of the Bulge began.
Nathan Douglas Decker immediately crossed the lines and defected to the Germans.
1965 – General William Westmorland asks for more troops, escalating the Conflict in Vietnam.
As it turns out, finding guys named “Charlie” in Southeast Asia wasn’t as simple as it sounds.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Team Deez Nuts took a commanding 24 point lead in week one of the FF playoffs, despite MKE’s obviously superior team. May I just say, suck it, MKE.
Pro Tip: My greatest success this year has been the result of pulling my lineup out of my ass.
WHO’S HOT
The all but forgotten Seattle Seahawks have rambled off 4 straight wins, and are looking like a team to beat.
WHO’S NOT
The Atlanta Falcons continue their 6 game slide.
YOU SAID IT
G & G – I HOPE YOU BURN YOUR DICK WITH A CIGARETTE !!!
Not boring anymore
MIB – That’s not boring at all! Now, you’re just a hurtful bitch. Congratulations.
Gabes – Power Rankings teaser: MIB comes up with the rankings by throwing darts at a board.
MIB –
I wish I were half as good at rankings as I am at darts, you moron.
SDL –
Speaking of the Caro-Whine-UH Puddy Tats:
The fucking talking heads refuse to STFU about the Puddy Tats “regular season winning streak” – a dumbass way to slobber the Puddy Tats’ knob while neglecting to mention that they got bounced from the playoffs
Straight up fucking suhpid
Wouldn’t it be fuckin hilarious if they go undefeated this year – get bounced from the playoffs – again – and then continue their undefeated regular season thru most of next year?
… but never win the Big One?
Funny fucking stuff
MIB – Great point! Why in the hell are the sports media wasting there time talking about the only undefeated team 14 weeks into the season? Jesus that shit gets old!
,
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Carolina Panthers | 13-0 | Cam Newton leads all QBs in TD % and yards per pass (Prior to YAC) |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 11-2 | Make your best argument. This is the most complete team in the NFL, and they are healthy. |
| 3 (5) | Kansas City Chiefs | 8-5 | Next to Carolina's 12 win streak, Kansas Cities 7 win streak rules the NFL. |
| 4 (6) | New England Patriots | 11-2 | Say what you want. There isn't a team in the league who battles through adversity better than the Patriots. |
| 5 (7) | Seattle Seahawks | 8-5 | This is a team who've been their before, and they are getting hot at the right time. |
| 6 (8) | New York Jets | 8-5 | This is another team on a mini roll, but they haven't shown the consistency you expect from a contender. |
| 7 (9) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 8-5 | If history is any indication, this team will be in the mix when it counts. |
| 8 (3) | Cincinnati Bengals | 10-3 | The loss of Andy Dalton is a devastating blow, but they have done enough to hang in their, and Dalton may make it back in time. |
| 9 (10) | Green Bay Packers | 9-4 | In their last six wins, the Vikings might be the only solid game they've played, but this is an organization with a proud history, and if you underestimate them, shame on you. A healthy O-line, and Lacy back on track may be all they need. |
| 10 (4) | Denver Broncos | 10-3 | Great defense, but the season is wearing on them, and they are stuck between what was and what may be, when it comes to quarterback. |
| 11 (20) | Oakland Raiders | 6-7 | This is an interesting team. They are just a bit short on talent, but they may have a rising star at QB, and just enough of a veteran presence to make them a tough out. |
| 12 (16) | Philadelphia Eagles | 6-7 | They have to be infuriating if you are a fan, but there is no doubt this team has the talent to be a thorn in any teams side. |
| 13 (11) | Minnesota Vikings | 8-5 | Mike Zimmerman has changed the culture in Minnesota. He's brought in players with strong character and heart. Well coached teams are always dangerous. |
| 14 (21) | New York Giants | 6-7 | Eli has two Superbowl rings, Tom Coughlin knows what it takes to win, and ODB is THE best receiver in the NFL. |
| 15 (18) | Washington Redskins | 6-7 | They are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, yet they lead their division. |
| 16 (12) | Houston Texans | 6-7 | Captain obvious just told me they need a quarterback, but if you need wins to make the playoffs, this is not a team you want on your schedule. |
| 17 (14) | Buffalo Bills | 6-7 | Another team that frustrates their fans, but Tyrod Taylor is giving them hope, and other teams fits. |
| 18 (15) | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 6-7 | Lovie Smith is a sneaky good coach, and Jamis Winston has shown some promise. |
| 19 (13) | Indianapolis Colts | 6-7 | They just don't have the talent to compete, right? And yet, they still lead their division, And they are hanging in without their starting QB. |
| 20 (23) | St Louis Rams | 5-8 | Nobody questions their defense, but there are plenty of other tings to question. |
| 21 (25) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 5-8 | This team has been the butt of my jokes for three years running. They are tired of it, and they are poised to back it up. |
| 22 (17) | Chicago Bears | 5-8 | Good teams find a way to win, and bad teams find ways to lose. This is a bad team, but the arrow is pointing up. They have done about as good as could be expected under a new regime, and they have done it with the fourth most starts by rookies. |
| 23 (19) | Miami Dolphins | 5-8 | This is the definition of a team who can't find their identity. |
| 24 (29) | New Orleans Saints | 5-8 | The Saints are the definition of cap hell. They owe Drew Brees 30 million dollars next year. They taught other teams how NOT to structure contracts. They need defense, but the good news is, there are lots of ways to get creative with your spending. |
| 25 (22) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-7 | I could have put the Falcons at 32 and felt zero remorse. They will have some big decisions in the off season. |
| 26 (24) | Baltimore Ravens | 4-9 | The only explanation I have for their collapse is that Jim Harbaugh going back to the college ranks was like John being separated from a Siamese twin and ending up with the weaker genes. |
| 27 (26) | Dallas cowboys | 4-9 | It would have been interesting to see what they might have done with Romo healthy. Now it will be interesting to see if they go after a QB in the draft. |
| 28 (27) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-9 | I have never seen a team take the losses they did in the off season. I'm shocked they won 4 games, and disappointed that one of them was to my beloved Bears. |
| 29 (28) | Detroit Lions | 4-9 | As crappy as I am at writing power rankings, I don't disappoint my fans nearly as much as you do. Thank you for that. |
| 30 (32) | Cleveland Browns | 3-10 | People want the Redskins to change their name? How about you go wit Cleveland Clowns, and we end this debate. |
| 31 (30) | Tennessee Titans | 3-10 | You have my vote to move to LA. Stick to moonshine, and for fuck's sake, let your people get back to NASCAR! |
| 32 (31) | San Diego chargers | 3-10 | I've got nothing. You have found the well of eternal suck. |