I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
Typically in the NFL, good teams find a way to win, and bad teams, well, they just suck. The NFC has done a pretty good job of sorting itself out. After 14 weeks, only a handful of teams have any real shot at reaching the playoffs. The AFC on the other hand, is a cluster fuck. The next three weeks should be interesting, whether you’re in the playoff hunt, looking to be a spoiler, or just jockeying for draft position.
In The News
On Monday night, while doing an interview for a local Cincinnati radio station, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis stepped in a pile of shit, and not just a little tiny dwarfish pile of shit, but a giant sized pile of shit. (I hope my use of the word “giant” doesn’t offend anyone on this site)
When Lewis was asked about the possibility of facing Cleveland Browns rookie Quaterback, Johnny Manziel, Lewis said the following:
“You gotta go defend the offense. You don’t defend the player,” Lewis said before adding, “Particularly a midget.”
His comments blew up on Twitter and other social media outlets, with people who took offense to the word “midget”, and Lewis later apologized:
“I’m aware that my comment on local radio [Monday] night was offensive to people of short stature and to their families and friends,” Lewis’ statement began. “It was thoughtless on my part to use the word I did, and not excusable, and I greatly regret it. I since have read about this issue on the Little People of America website. I understand it better, and as I have apologized to Johnny Manziel and the Cleveland Browns’ community, I offer the same to all others who I offended, and I pledge that I will learn from this.”
“I hope that my mistake and the resultant publicity may serve at least to help others not make similar insensitive comments in the future.”
I think that was pretty big of him. I had no idea there was a Little People of America website. It turns out, they’re incorporated; Little People of America Inc., an advocacy group for men and women diagnosed with dwarfism. The group publicly denounced use of the word midget in 2009.
Not to worry, It turns out, “Such terms as dwarf, little person, LP, and person of short stature are all acceptable, but most people would rather be referred to by their name than by a label.”
The website offers services like adoption. You can actually adopt one of those cute, little suckers. They also offer scholarships, but I bet they would discriminate against someone with a massive 5’ 8” frame like me. Finally, I found out they a have an annual convention. I wouldn’t mind going there for a short time, and picking up a little something on the side.
Kansas City Chief safety Eric Berry was diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma. This is a treatable and potentially curable form of cancer.
On the lighter side, Saint Louis Rams coach Jeff Fisher had a little fun at the Washington Redskins expense. On Sunday, Fisher marched out the six players who were all draft picks, or acquired by trade, from picks acquired in the RGIII trade.
Who’s Hot
The Arizona Cardinals, who have struggled since the loss of starting quarterback Carson Palmer, managed a big win on Sunday. The win keeps them on top of the NFC West, and in the number one playoff spot.
Who’s Not
The San Francisco 49ers appear to be falling apart at the seams.
You Said It
Cam Of Steel – LOLIONS too high
JJ – I certainly hope you prove to be right, but for now…
StillLSU4LIFE – I hate the fact that the Cards are going into choke mode. I wanted Seattle to end up as a wild card, and get no home games in the playoffs. That doesn’t look good now.
JJ -Oh, ye of little faith.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Green Bay Packers | 10-3 | Thank God for Eddie Lacy and an early lead. Aaron Rodgers was obviously no match for Matty Ice in the second half. |
| 2 (2) | New England Patriots | 10-3 | Who needs Linae Kukua? Gronkowski seems to be all the distraction you need. |
| 3 (4) | Denver Broncos | 10-3 | It was one thing to play at Mile high stadium, but Mile HIGH stadium is too much to overcome. |
| 4 (6) | Indianapolis Colts | 9-4 | I hope you had the sportsmanship to give Hoyer a game ball. |
| 5 (7) | Seattle Seahawks | 9-4 | What did you do, give mark Sanchez a Snickers bar? |
| 6 (8) | Detroit Lions | 9-4 | Why don't you stick to disappointing your own fans. |
| 7 (9) | Arizona Cardinals | 10-3 | You don't completely suck! (That's me being nice) |
| 8 (3) | Philadelphia Eagles | 9-4 | I thought you were supposed to be able to run like 70 plays. Oh, never mind. You only held the ball for 18 minutes. |
| 9 (10) | Dallas Cowboys | 9-4 | I can't think of anything that rhymes with Romo, so I'll just say, good job. |
| 10 (5) | Cincinnati Bengals | 8-4-1 | Don't worry about the midget. Defend the offense, and you should be fine next week. |
| 11 (16) | Baltimore Ravens | 8-5 | Drop your cocks, and grab your socks! This thing isn't over yet! |
| 12 (17) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 8-5 | Lucky for you, Marv Lewis checked out in the fourth quarter, so he could think up a ZINGER for his Monday press conference. |
| 13 (11) | San Diego Chargers | 8-5 | You shine like a turd in December. |
| 14 (12) | Kansas City Chiefs | 7-6 | Maybe Alex Smith was available, because he's Alex Smith. |
| 15 (13) | Miami Dolphins | 7-6 | Don't even think about steeling home field disadvantage from the Bears! |
| 16 (21) | Saint Louis Rams | 6-7 | Your coach trolls better then you play football. |
| 17 (19) | Houston Texans | 7-6 | Fitzpatrick to Fartspatrick in the blink of an eye. |
| 18 (22) | Minnesota Vikings | 6-7 | How's the new stadium coming? |
| 19 (15) | Buffalo Bills | 7-6 | A Buffalo blessing: May you win a game that matters. May the wind blow squarely up the crack of your ass. May the snow rise high to greet you, and may the good Lord hold you in the palm of his hand. (The one he doesn't crank his bait with) |
| 20 (18) | Cleveland Browns | 7-6 | Taking the Browns to the Superbowl is a classic. Thank you for not depriving us of that. |
| 21 (14) | San Francisco 49ers | 7-6 | You have officially shit the bed. |
| 22 (20) | Atlanta Falcons | 5-8 | Congrats on almost winning, and still being first of the worst. |
| 23 (26) | Carolina Panthers | 4-8-1 | Sory to hear about Cam. Good news; you may win now! |
| 24 (23) | New Orleans Saints | 5-8 | Lucky dogs! Two of your last three are on the road. |
| 25 (24) | Chicago Bears | 5-8 | Congratulations Dwarf - Little person - LP- Person of short stature of the Midway. (I'm not allowed to say Midgets) |
| 26 (28) | New York Giants | 4-9 | Creating separation between yourselves and the Jets. You are clearly the best team in New York. (I consider Buffalo a Province of Canada) |
| 27 (25) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 2-11 | You're overachieving. IMHO |
| 28 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 2-11 | Your mother's are very proud of you... I think. |
| 29 (27) | New York Jets | 2-11 | Rex Ryan's farewell gift is a top ten draft pick. |
| 30 (29) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-11 | Typical Lovie. You get off the bus running... for 26 yards! |
| 31 (30) | Washington Redskins | 3-10 | You know that feeling when you shart, and it runs down your leg? Wait,...who am I kidding. Of course you do. |
| 32 (31) | Tennessee Titans | 2-11 | Welcome to the cellar! |