I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
The holidays are fast approaching, so let’s just dispense with the fucking pleasantries. We all know what a stressful and unpleasant time of the year this is. Stupid fucking company Christmas parties. Not like the old days either. No ass grabbing or xeroxed copies of Susie’s ass. No, we’re much too politically correct for any of that good old fashioned sexual harassment. This year we’ll just paste on a smile and pretend we have no desire to grab any pussies.
And the relatives…FUCK ALL! Good God, the relentless parade of retards that we have to put up with once a year, just because we share a couple of strands of DNA. Let’s go out and spend all of our hard earned money to buy stupid gifts for jackasses who couldn’t care less if we stopped breathing and fell off the face of the earth tomorrow. Make sure you get the really expensive spiral sliced ham, so these flatulating pieces of fuck can stuff their fat fucking faces. We wouldn’t want them to bad mouth us on their way home on an empty stomach.
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU BITCHES!
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (December 19)
1777 – Continental Army enters Winter Camp at Valley Forge. Cornwallis is overheard saying, “If you don’t cross the Potomac, your pussy ain’t shit.”
1941 – Hitler takes command of the German Army. Soon the Jews will know who’s in charge.
1998 – President Clinton Impeached. Slick Willy stuck his sick willy where it didn’t belong.
WHO’S HOT
Jacksonville Jaguars. Never would have predicted this with two weeks to go in the season.
WHO’S NOT
Green Bay Packers. The Packers could be looking at their highest first round draft pick since 2009.
YOU SAID IT
Preparation_A – Butthole farts as a result of digestive processes are farts. Butthole farts as a result of air pressure being built up by anal penetration are called bueefs.
MIB – I’d be interested to know how many times you experienced this before you gave it a name.
G&G – Somewhere a pedophile wake up this morning pretty sad
MIB – Classic!
Raji – it’s like when you’re a kid and you pretend to mow and there’s really no pattern or objective you just push your little plastic mower in a random direction until you have to stop to pee
MIB – Personally, I never stopped. There’s something soothing about pissing your pants.
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank | Streak | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | W2 | Philadelphia Eagles | 12-2 | Recreational Vaginitis |
| 2 | W2 | Carolina Panthers | 10-4 | Dripping Droop Dick |
| 3 | W3 | Jacksonville Jaguars | 10-4 | Punctual Fallatio |
| 4 | W1 | Minnesota Vikings | 10-4 | Cancer Cunt |
| 5 | W1 | New England Patriots | 11-3 | Aggressive Rectal Polyps |
| 6 | W1 | Los Angeles Rams | 10-4 | Ingrown Ball Hair |
| 7 | L1 | Pittsburgh Steelers | 11-3 | Festering Mudwhistle |
| 8 | W1 | New Orleans Saints | 10-4 | Weeping Boil |
| 9 | W2 | Atlanta Falcons | 9-5 | Hairy Nipples |
| 10 | W2 | Kansas City Chiefs | 8-6 | Itchy Bungroids |
| 11 | W1 | Baltimore Ravens | 8-6 | Hot Ass Breath |
| 12 | W3 | Dallas Cowboys | 8-6 | Booger Picking Necrosis |
| 13 | W2 | Detroit Lions | 8-6 | Fetal Death Syndrome |
| 14 | W2 | Buffalo Bills | 8-6 | Callused Fap Hands |
| 15 | L2 | Tennessee Titans | 8-6 | Tincture of Taint Juice |
| 16 | L2 | Seattle Seahawks | 8-6 | Problematic Finger Banging |
| 17 | L1 | Los Angeles Chargers | 7-7 | Careless Dong Relocation |
| 18 | W1 | Washington Redskins | 6-8 | Leprous Labia |
| 19 | L1 | Green Bay Packers | 7-7 | Fractal Farts |
| 20 | L1 | Oakland Raiders | 6-8 | Stale Cum Stains |
| 21 | L1 | Arizona Cardinals | 6-8 | Anal Gentrification |
| 22 | L1 | Miami Dolphins | 6-8 | Bloody Rectal Fissure |
| 23 | W3 | San Francisco 49ers | 4-10 | Sodomizing Zinger |
| 24 | L2 | New York Jets | 5-9 | Burning Urination |
| 25 | L3 | Cincinnati Bengals | 5-9 | Warm Cup of Puss |
| 26 | W2 | Denver Broncos | 5-9 | Clitoral Ejaculate |
| 27 | L1 | Chicago Bears | 4-10 | Moist Pubescent Infraction |
| 28 | L4 | Tampa Bay Bucanneers | 4-10 | Cranberry Dung Blaster |
| 29 | L4 | Houston Texans | 4-10 | Penile Insurection |
| 30 | L5 | Indianapolis Colts | 3-11 | Roasted Duck Farts on a Stick |
| 31 | L4 | New York Giants | 2-12 | Tone Deaf Tongue Darts |
| 32 | L14 | Cleveland Browns | 0-14 | Bortion |