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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 15 Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

The holidays are fast approaching, so let’s just dispense with the fucking pleasantries. We all know what a stressful and unpleasant time of the year this is. Stupid fucking company Christmas parties. Not like the old days either. No ass grabbing or xeroxed copies of Susie’s ass. No, we’re much too politically correct for any of that good old fashioned sexual harassment. This year we’ll just paste on a smile and pretend we have no desire to grab any pussies.

And the relatives…FUCK ALL! Good God, the relentless parade of retards that we have to put up with once a year, just because we share a couple of strands of DNA. Let’s go out and spend all of our hard earned money to buy stupid gifts for jackasses who couldn’t care less if we stopped breathing and fell off the face of the earth tomorrow. Make sure you get the really expensive spiral sliced ham, so these flatulating pieces of fuck can stuff their fat fucking faces. We wouldn’t want them to bad mouth us on their way home on an empty stomach.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU BITCHES!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (December 19)

1777 – Continental Army enters Winter Camp at Valley Forge. Cornwallis is overheard saying, “If you don’t cross the Potomac, your pussy ain’t shit.”

1941 – Hitler takes command of the German Army. Soon the Jews will know who’s in charge.

1998 – President Clinton Impeached. Slick Willy stuck his sick willy where it didn’t belong.

WHO’S HOT

Jacksonville Jaguars. Never would have predicted this with two weeks to go in the season.

WHO’S NOT

Green Bay Packers. The Packers could be looking at their highest first round draft pick since 2009.

YOU SAID IT

Preparation_A – Butthole farts as a result of digestive processes are farts. Butthole farts as a result of air pressure being built up by anal penetration are called bueefs.

MIB – I’d be interested to know how many times you experienced this before you gave it a name.

G&G – Somewhere a pedophile wake up this morning pretty sad

MIB – Classic!

Raji – it’s like when you’re a kid and you pretend to mow and there’s really no pattern or objective you just push your little plastic mower in a random direction until you have to stop to pee

MIB – Personally, I never stopped. There’s something soothing about pissing your pants.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

RankStreakTeamRecordComments
1W2Philadelphia Eagles12-2Recreational Vaginitis
2W2Carolina Panthers10-4Dripping Droop Dick
3W3Jacksonville Jaguars10-4Punctual Fallatio
4W1Minnesota Vikings10-4Cancer Cunt
5W1New England Patriots11-3Aggressive Rectal Polyps
6W1Los Angeles Rams10-4Ingrown Ball Hair
7L1Pittsburgh Steelers11-3Festering Mudwhistle
8W1New Orleans Saints10-4Weeping Boil
9W2Atlanta Falcons9-5Hairy Nipples
10W2Kansas City Chiefs8-6Itchy Bungroids
11W1Baltimore Ravens8-6Hot Ass Breath
12W3Dallas Cowboys8-6Booger Picking Necrosis
13W2Detroit Lions8-6Fetal Death Syndrome
14W2Buffalo Bills8-6Callused Fap Hands
15L2Tennessee Titans8-6Tincture of Taint Juice
16L2Seattle Seahawks8-6Problematic Finger Banging
17L1Los Angeles Chargers7-7Careless Dong Relocation
18W1Washington Redskins6-8Leprous Labia
19L1Green Bay Packers7-7Fractal Farts
20L1Oakland Raiders6-8Stale Cum Stains
21L1Arizona Cardinals6-8Anal Gentrification
22L1Miami Dolphins6-8Bloody Rectal Fissure
23W3San Francisco 49ers4-10Sodomizing Zinger
24L2New York Jets5-9Burning Urination
25L3Cincinnati Bengals5-9Warm Cup of Puss
26W2Denver Broncos5-9Clitoral Ejaculate
27L1Chicago Bears4-10Moist Pubescent Infraction
28L4Tampa Bay Bucanneers4-10Cranberry Dung Blaster
29L4Houston Texans4-10Penile Insurection
30L5Indianapolis Colts3-11Roasted Duck Farts on a Stick
31L4New York Giants2-12Tone Deaf Tongue Darts
32L14Cleveland Browns0-14Bortion