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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 15 Power Rankings

Proctologistics

Every year, there are thirty-two teams fighting for twelve playoff spots. With two weeks remaining in the season, that number has been reduced to twenty-one teams still in the hunt. That means there are eleven teams who are shit, and can either argue over who is the least stinky turd, or pack it in and grab a juicy draft spot.

In the AFC, three teams have already claimed a spot in the playoff by winning their division. That leaves nine teams fighting for three remaining spots. To be more accurate, three teams are fighting for one division, and nine teams are fighting for two wild card spots.

In the NFC, only the Arizona cardinals are assured of a playoff birth. Three teams are fighting for a division title or elimination, and six teams are struggling to fill the five remaining spots.

To put it another way, it’s fifteen minutes to closing time. Twelve guys are going to get laid, and the other nine will stagger home and jerk off to internet porn.

This Day in History

In 1964, Cooter McSpunkman applied for the first Fleshlight prototype. It weighed 700 pounds, and consumed enough energy to light two city blocks.

In 1980, Timothy “Stinky” Newman lit a fart at a high school dance, catching the hair of 33 female students on fire. No one was seriously injured, but Cleveland’s Cum Stain high school was closed for a week, until the smell of brunt hair could be removed.

In 2002, referees gathered in a dark, smoky room in Boston, and conspired to ensure the New England Patriots would win the Super bowl. Three days later, the “Tuck Rule” was born.

Who’s Hot

The New England Patriots, Indianapolis Colts, and Denver Broncos all secured there division titles.

Who’s Not

The Chicago Bears have officially shit the bed. It’s bad enough they’re getting their ass handed to them on the field, but apparently their chairman George McCaskey also took some lumps in the stands.

You Said It

Donny33 – Terrible Rankings
JJ – Yes, it’s like showering in warm piss.

Nardo – So, I’m the only one picking Buffalo? I love it!
JJ – Between your brass balls and my reverse jinx, we may have hit on something.

It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComment
1
(2)
New England Patriots11-3Broncos DE Terrance "Pot Roast" Knighton guaranteed a super bowl win. Tom Brady said, "Nuh uh!"
Now them's some fightin' words.
2
(3)
Denver Broncos11-3Guaranteeing a super bowl win, and winning the super bowl are two different things.
3
(5)
Seattle Seahawks10-4Seahawks quarterback Russel Wilson was caught performing lewd acts on top of the space needle.
News at 11.
4
(4)
Indianapolis Colts10-4Apparently Andrew Luck has gotten into defenders heads by complimenting them for good taclkes. His mom is just as confused. According to Mrs. Luck, "Ryan beats the crap out of me if I burn his meatloaf".
5
(1)
Green Bay Packers10-4Aaron Rodgers called his last game a "stinker". That should be all the proof we need that Olivia Munn is just a cover.
6
(6)
Detroit Lions10-4You're going to disappoint millions of fans if you don't pull your annual choke job.
7
(7)
Arizona Cardinals11-3Bruce Arians says the Cardinals aren't changing. He's plans to let Ryan Lindley "sling it".
Nice! Now, who in the hell is Ryan Lindley?
8
(9)
Dallas Cowboys10-4Rod Marinelli has pulled a rabbit out of his ass.
9
(10)
Cincinnati Bengals9-4-1That tie doesn't seem so disappointing now.
10
(11)
Baltimore Ravens9-5You can't tell me Ray Rice doesn't come up once in a while.
11
(12)
Pittsburgh Steelers9-5You have to win. Your bandwagon is on pins and needles.
12
(14)
Kansas City Chiefs8-6Bet you wish you could have do overs on the Tennessee and first Oakland games.
13
(8)
Philadelphia Eagles9-5You hand out turnovers like the free clinic hands out condoms.
14
(19)
Buffalo Bills8-6Too bad you didn't have the NFC North twice this year.
15
(13)
San Diego Chargers8-6You're pretty much what everybody expected.
16
(24)
New Orleans Saints6-8Hey, somebodies gotta win the division.
17
(23)
Carolina Panthers5-8-1Turns out the "old lady" who T-boned Cam Newton was actually Ron Rivera.
18
(16)
Miami Dolphins7-7You still have South Beach, cocaine, and Cuban cigars.
19
(16)
St Louis Rams6-8You have the arch, a lively red light district, and looting in Ferguson.
20
(17)
Houston Texans7-7Thad Lewis? I was sure JJ Watt would be your 3rd string QB.
21
(18)
Minnesota Vikings6-8Toady Bilgewater looks like he could be the real deal.
22
(20)
Cleveland Browns7-7Looks like Jonny Football's middle name is "College".
23
(21)
San Francisco 49ers7-7Bears are wondering if you'd consider trading Harbaugh/Kaepernick for Trestman/Cutler.
24
(26)
New York Giants5-9You're teetering on losing a top 10 draft pick.
25
(22)
Atlanta Falcons5-9Talk about hard knocks.
26
(28)
New York Jets3-11You can say you're better than the Titans.
27
(25)
Chicago Bears5-9I'm just glad Hallas and Payton aren't around to see this crap.
28
(27)
Jacksonville Jaguars2-12Banana flavored are my favorite Runts.
29
(28)
Oakland Raiders2-12Snagging Harbaugh would be your biggest win this year.
30
(30)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers2-12Crazy hoe Lovie is fired after a ten win season, but he's safe this year.
31
(31)
Washington Redskins3-11RGIII still has three games to lower his trade value.
32
(32)
Tennessee Titans2-12You need to check for blood in your stool.