I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
PROCTOLOGISTICS
My power rankings will be brought to you by: Stone Saison, Fireball Whiskey, and Pandora Led Zeppelin radio.
With the final week of the season approaching, there are only two playoff spots remaining to be claimed.
In the NFC, the six playoff teams are determine. This week they will play for seeding, pride, and some momentum heading into the big dance.
The AFC has four teams in, and four other teams still alive. In reality, it would take a Steve Miracle for Indianapolis to make it in. Short of that, Houston will take the NFC South, and if the Jets win, they’re in. While the Jets control their own destiny, they will face a tough test on the road against the Buffalo Bills. A jets loss and a Pittsburgh win on the road at Cleveland, would put Pittsburgh in over the Jets.
If you actually give a shit about the actual seeding possibilities, try the Google machine.
One last interesting fact, five playoff teams lost in week 16, and the only other team with a realistic shot of making the playoffs, Pittsburgh also lost. So much for momentum.
WEEK 16 RESULTS BASED ON RANKING
This week I went a respectable 9-7. This brings my Year to date record to 144-95.
So, here are my week 17 predictions:
| Winner | Loser |
|---|---|
| New York Jets | Buffalo (H) |
| New England | Miami (H) |
| New Orleans | Atlanta (H) |
| Cincinnati (H) | Baltimore |
| Pittsburgh | Cleveland (H) |
| Houston (H) | Jacksonville |
| Indianapolis (H) | Tennessee |
| Washington | Dallas (H) |
| Philadelphia | New York Giants (H) |
| Chicago (H) | Detroit |
| Carolina (H) | Tampa Bay |
| Kansas City (H) | Oakland |
| Denver (H) | San Deigo |
| Arizona (H) | Seattle |
| Saint Louis | San Francisco (H) |
| Minnesota | Green Bay (H) |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY (December 30)
1853 – James Gadsden, the U.S. minister to Mexico, and General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, the president of Mexico, sign the Gadsden Purchase in Mexico City. The treaty settled the dispute over the location of the Mexican border west of El Paso, Texas, and established the final boundaries of the southern United States.
Mexican fruit pickers were elated to finally have a border defining were slave wages started, and Republicans immediately introduced legislation to built a fence.
1922 – In post-revolutionary Russia, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) is established, comprising a confederation of Russia, Belorussia, Ukraine, and the Transcaucasian Federation (divided in 1936 into the Georgian, Azerbaijan, and Armenian republics).
Those damn Transcaucasians went on to kick our asses in the Olympics, until the Soviet union was dissolved in 1991.
1968 – Led Zeppelin first live recording. Within a year, they’d be big. Within two, they’d be huge. And within three, they’d be the biggest band in the world. But on December 30, 1968, the quartet of British rockers preparing for their fifth-ever gig in the United States were using propane heaters to keep themselves and their equipment warm while they waited to go on as the opening act for Vanilla Fudge at a concert in a frigid college gymnasium in western Washington State. A few serious rock fans in attendance had at least heard about the new band formed around the former guitarist from the now-defunct Yardbirds, but if those fans even knew the name of this new group, they might not have recognized it in the ads that ran in the local newspaper. The Spokesman-Review of Spokane, Washington, ran an advertisement on this day in 1968 for a concert at Gonzaga University featuring “The Vanilla Fudge, with Len Zefflin”—a concert of which a bootleg recording would later emerge that represents the first-ever live Led Zeppelin performance captured on tape.
Probably one of the biggest musical influences until the Raji Rap was introduced to FYS.
FANTASY FOOTBALL FORUM
Team Deez Nuts continue there march towards immortality, and take an 11 point lead into the final week of FF.
Pro Tip: MKE gives terrible FF advice. “Sit the Rams D/ST”, he said.
WHO’S HOT
If momentum means anything going into the playoffs, Arizona and Kansas City are looking good. Both teams are riding a nine game winning streak. Of course, this could all change in week 17.
WHO’S NOT
The 18 teams who’ve been officially eliminated from the playoffs
YOU SAID IT
Big Deal – I just finished the article. I am now 10 seconds past a colonoscopy.
MIB – That’s just plain rude!
MKE – GB 6 spots lower than KC despite having a better record, and shitting on them earlier this season.
MIB – Yes, MKE. Power rankings are all about, “What have you done for me lately?”
IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 13-2 W9 | KNOCK ME OVER WITH GOLIATH'S NUT SACK! I never thought anything would make me enjoy a Packer game, but you did it! |
| 2 (1) | Carolina Panthers | 14-1 L1 | Keep telling yourself it's only one loss. Tell yourself adversity builds character, and whatever other such sit helps you sleep. You'er about to enter a world of sit. |
| 3 (3) | Kansas City Chiefs | 10-5 W9 | This could be Andy Reid's year to finally win a Superbowl. At least he has a white quarterback, which can't hurt. |
| 4 (6) | New York Jets | 10-5 W5 | The irony of Rex Ryan knocking you out of the playoffs is just too delicious to ignore. |
| 5 (4) | New England Patriots | 12-3 L1 | "Tis better to give, than to receive." -Jesus "Tis better to kick, than to receive." -Bill Belichick |
| 6 (10) | Minnesota Vikings | 10-5 W2 | The entire state of Minnesota has early onset depression, as they anticipate the disappointment of playoff football. |
| 7 (12) | Denver Broncos | 11-4 W1 | It's enjoyable watching a winning team with a QB controversy. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. |
| 8 (5) | Seattle Seahawks | 9-6 L1 | I guess you can just blame your last loss on the 12th man. |
| 9 (11) | Washington Redskins | 8-7 W3 | I hope you do well with Kirk Cousins, and I hope you name him captain next year. I have lots of good Captain kirk material. |
| 10 (8) | Cincinnati Bengals | 11-4 L1 | Andy Dalton is secretly hoping you get knocked out before his hand heals. He couldn't handle the stigma of another one and done in the playoffs. |
| 11 (9) | Green Bay Packers | 10-5 L1 | Keep your heads up. You still have two weeks to fix your 75 problems. |
| 12 (13) | Houston Texans | 8-7 W2 | Skinniest kid at fat camp! Congrats. |
| 13 (7) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 9-6 L1 | Just bow out and lose to Cleveland. Six Superbowl trophies is enough for one team. |
| 14 (16) | Saint Louis Rams | 7-8 | Thanks for sticking it in the Seahawks ass. |
| 15 (14) | Oakland Raiders | 7-8 | Congratulations on a fine season, coach Del Rio. Next year I start learning some of your players names. |
| 16 (18) | Buffalo Bills | 7-8 | You can do it Rex! You've been beating up the Jets for years. |
| 17 (15) | Philadelphia Eagles | 6-9 | So, Chip, which college would you like to coach next year? |
| 18 (21) | Atlanta Falcons | 8-7 | Thank you for knocking off the cunty Panthers, but, Curse you for allowing the '72 Dolphins to crack open the Geritol again. |
| 19 (20) | Indianapolis Colts | 7-8 | Management would like to thank you for playing shitty enough to allow them to fire a cancer survivor with no repercussions. |
| 20 (23) | Chicago Bears | 6-9 | I'm counting on you to get the shittiest draft position possible. Plus, LOLions! AMIRITE? |
| 21 (25) | Detroit Lions | 6-9 | I'm hoping you lose to the Bears and get a great draft spot. I really enjoy watching you fuck up draft picks. |
| 22 (17) | New York Giants | 6-9 | Bold prediction: 2016 is the year Eli Manning takes over for Jay Cutler as the whiniest QB in the NFL. |
| 23 (19) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 6-9 | Welcome to the Lovie years. May he live long and prosper. |
| 24 (26) | New Orleans Saints | 6-9 | You started this ridiculous idea of overpaying quarterbacks. I hope you rot in hell. |
| 25 (27) | Baltimore Ravens | 5-10 | Good luck next year with Joe Flacid and John Whorebaugh. |
| 26 (22) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 5-10 | LA was waiting with open arms, but you losers are going to end up being the first team in London. |
| 27 (24) | Miami Dolphins | 5-10 | I can't imagine the buyers remorse you're feeling. On the bright side, Suh wasn't in the headlines every week for being a complete douche. |
| 28 (28) | Dallas Cowboys | 4-11 | I'm sure when Romo comes back you can turn tings around. He's only like 80 years old. |
| 29 (29) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-11 | I enjoyed watching you choking on a Kaeperdick. |
| 30 (30) | San Diego Chargers | 4-11 | Manti Te'o went from a fake girlfriend to a fake team. |
| 31 (31) | Cleveland Browns | 3-12 | Johnny Football is so cute when he's angry. |
| 32 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 3-12 | Why aren't you in the discussion for LA? |