I am a hater of all things. I hate you, you and you. I don't don't know you and I hate your guts. I wish all the bad things on Earth to happen to you and nobody else. Now excuse me, but I have to go fill your mother's dish.
Week 17! The moment of truth. The NFC North title is on the line this week, so we have to ramp up our firm grasp of hatred on our dumbfuck neighbors to the West. Minnesota doesn’t lack things to hate about itself, which is why we are able to put a second list of shit to hate about them, so let’s get on to it!
1) The political climate about sports. If you love public fights about stadiums, boy do I have a place that you would love! The Vikings just got over a 20 year fight for a stadium and the Twins fought theirs for about 20 seasons, up next? The Timberwolves!
2) The picture above is what they call public art
3) 6 month long winters. While the rest of the country is experiencing unseasonable warmth, the game between the Vikings and Giants this past week was played in 13 degree temperatures. If Al Gore is right about global warming, the Twin Cities are going to be the last island of civilization in the US. Fuck my life
4) Jello Salad. That is the not quite liquid and not quite solid thing that Grandma brings to holiday parties. Everyone puts some on their plate to make her feel good, but nobody eats it.
5) SPAM. While Spam might be most popular in Hawaii, every last disgusting bit of whatever the fuck that is made there
6) The Guthrie Theatre. What a piece or architectural horseshit! I can’t tell if it looks like anti-aircraft artillery or if it is about to impregnate Mississippi. Probably both.
7) What the fuck is up with them lengthening simple phrases? “Uh-huh” = “you betcha”, “get it” = “dontcha know” and “Uff-da” = “SHIT!” Seriously you fuckheads, shorthand is supposed to be, well, um, shorter.
8) The Vikings. Seriously it’s almost like they plan on kicking their entire fanbase in the groin every postseason. How residents of Minne and Paul are able to reproduce after repeated kicks to the groin are beyond me.
9) Speaking of sports. It is worth pointing out that nobody in major sports has won a championship in the twin cities since 1991, well, unless, of course you are an avid fan of the WNBA or NCAA Hockey.
10) Prince doesn’t play basketball, and he won’t invite you back to his place to make you pancakes. Thanks a lot Dave Chappelle for getting my hopes up.
Bonus piece of hate: Paying in cash. Due to it’s proximity to Canada, Canadian coins tend to wind up in Minnesota cash registers. Before you leave the register, make sure your coins don’t have animals or a queen on them.
Next week we will have another hate article since the Packers are in the playoffs, it will either be a third edition on Minnesota, or a first edition on Washington DC. Minnesota, as you can tell, has no shortage of shit to hate, but Washington, that is a haters dream.