I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
It’s taken 17 weeks, but it’s official. The playoffs are set. Carolina and Baltimore snagged the final two spots. Wild card weekend will feature Arizona at Carolina, Baltimore at Pittsburgh, Cincinnati at Indianapolis, and Detroit at Dallas.
New England, Denver, Green Bay, and Seattle grabbed the top four spots, and ensured a bye for week one. More importantly, they will all host home games in the divisional round of the playoffs.
The remaining twenty teams will be scratching their balls, watching from home, and thinking about what might have been. Since these teams have shat the bed, there is only one way to determine their relative “power”. Therefore, the teams from 13 through 32 will be ranked by next years draft order. You may kiss my ass if you don’t like that.
In The News
San Francisco 49er’s head coach Jim Harbaugh has decided to leave the NFL ranks, and return to the University of Michigan. He is hoping to restore the glory of the once proud program, and follow in the footsteps of such legends as Bo Schembechler, Lloyd Carr, and Brady Hoke.
Mike Smith, Rex Ryan, and Marc Trestman were all victims of Black Monday. Does this mean it was white Monday for Mike Tomlin and Lovie Smith?
Aaron Rodgers feared a season ending injury, when he went down in the first half of last week’s win over Detroit. As it turns out, he simply re aggravated a calf injury. The good news is that he will have two weeks to get healthy, and Packers fans will have a built in excuse if they get bounced from the playoffs.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh won his appeal, and will be allowed to stomp on Tony Romo in their week one playoff matchup.
Who’s Hot
The Seattle Seahawks have secured home field advantage throughout the playoffs. This, along with a resurgence of their defense, will make them a tough out.
Who’s Not
Phillip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers continue to disappoint.
You Said It
LKP – Lions 42 Packers 17. Merry Christmas you filthy animals.
JJ – I pick my nose better than that.
Big Deal – I assume the Packers will be back at #1 after their win.
JJ – You assume wrong.
White But Pleasant – These power rankings are saltier than my nuts after a crossfit workout in pretzel underwear.
It’s Time To Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | New England Patriots | 12-4 | Aaron Hernandez and his husband Bubba will be rooting for you from his jail cell. |
| 2 (2) | Seattle Seahawks | 12-4 | Russel Wilson's elusiveness reminds my of a greased pig at the county fair. |
| 3 (4) | Green Bay Packers | 12-4 | The last body part in Wisconsin that got as much attention as Aaron Rodger's calf, was Ed Gein's nipple belt. |
| 4 (3) | Dallas Cowboys | 12-4 | A playoff win would almost be bigger than some of the women in San Antonio. |
| 5 (5) | Denver Broncos | 12-4 | Between a playoff birth and the legalization of marijuana, the price of Doritos will be through the roof. |
| 6 (8) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 11-5 | This is almost as exciting for the Pittsburgh faithful as the time they stuck their dick in a light socket. |
| 7 (5) | Detroit Lions | 11-5 | So many legs, so little time. |
| 8 (9) | Indianapolis Colts | 11-5 | Be careful driving to the game. Hoosier goo could make for hazardous driving conditions. |
| 9 (13) | Baltimore Ravens | 10-6 | What do Joe Flacco and an anus have in common? Wait, that's redundant. |
| 10 (7) | Cincinnati Bengals | 10-5 | The excitement is almost unbearable, until Bengal fans remember that they are counting on Andy Dalton. |
| 11 (14) | Carolina Panthers | 7-8-1 | The fact that you're in the playoffs stinks more than a portable John at a Tex-Mex convention. |
| 12 (11) | Arizona Cardinals | 11-5 | You're suffering from vagitosis at the quarterback position. |
| 13 (31) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 2-14 | YEAH! You won the draft. |
| 14 (32) | Tennessee Titans | 2-14 | The Greeks are pissed that you are dishonoring their mythology. Maybe you can win them back by playing naked next year. |
| 15 (27) | Oakland Raiders | 3-13 | The worst loss you suffered all year was to the University of Michigan. |
| 16 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 3-13 | You are the stain of a thousand sharts running down the leg of the NFL. |
| 17 (29) | Washington Redskins | 4-12 | Perhaps Chief Snyder could petition the Great Father in Washington for the rights to build a casino to support your team. |
| 18 (24) | New York Jets | 4-12 | You should avoid booking Pinocchio as a motivational speaker. |
| 19 (30) | Chicago Bears | 5-11 | "For our next trick, we're going to pull dead babies out of our vagina." -George McCaskey |
| 20 (22) | Saint Louis Rams | 6-10 | You cut Michael Sam, and now you have some kind of a gay karma biting you in the ass. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly aroused. |
| 21 (17) | Atlanta Falcons | 6-10 | Have you ever considered seceding from the NFL? It seems like such a proper Southern thing to do. |
| 22 (16) | New York Giants | 6-10 | You're kiss your sister, marry your cousin, and fuck your dog, all rolled up into one. |
| 23 (25) | Cleveland Browns | 7-9 | You've brought a new low to the term quarterback controversy. |
| 24 (23) | Minnesota Vikings | 7-9 | Lutefisk for everyone! |
| 25 (21) | New Orleans Saints | 7-9 | As a Bears fan, I was hoping you'd fire Sean Payton. |
| 26 (15) | Miami Dolphins | 8-8 | You football like you vote. For the love of god, get your shit together. |
| 27 (26) | San Francisco 49ers | 8-8 | You put the "fucked up" in dysfunction. |
| 28 (20) | Buffalo Bills | 9-7 | It's sad when Kyle Orton retiring makes you a worse team. |
| 29 (10) | San Diego Chargers | 9-7 | Get your asses to LA, and be done with it. |
| 30 (12) | Houston Texans | 9-7 | You really took it up the butt with Clowney. |
| 31 (18) | Kansas City Chiefs | 9-7 | The way I look at it, Alex Smith shattered the glass ceiling for mediocre quarterbacks. |
| 32 (19) | Philadelphia Eagles | 10-6 | Congratulations on securing the worst possible draft position without making the playoffs. |