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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 3 Power Rankings

Proctologistics

Well boys and girls, week three is in the books? Can we please stop overreacting now and read these Power Rankings in a calm, thoughtful manner?

I’m just kidding. I’m not here to take away any of our god-given rights as football fans.

Now, it’s no secret that I like big women. I guess this is why it was nice to see those girls from Dallas grab a win on the road. It might also explain the soreness in my lower back, after my wild weekend with Heffy McKankle, at the motel 6 in San Antonio. That girl is a biscuit away from three fifty, but you toss a saddle on her back, and she moves like Shady McCoy! Woo boy!

But, I digress. Week 3 is still a bit early to set the playoff standings, but there are a few teams trying to create some separation. This can be a good thing, or…you know, you could be the Jaguars.

Who’s Hot

Arizona, Philadelphia, and Cincinnati all stand atop the standings at 3-0.

Who’s Not

Tampa, Oakland, and Jacksonville are bring up the rear, at 0-3.

You Said It

Cd4packers – OMG!!! you have the Bears ahead of the Packers!!! GDI!!!

JJ – Yup, and it looks like they just might stay there.

Chocolate Honey O’s – Wait wait wait… how do the Chargers beat the Hawks and then are lower than the Bears AND Packers?

JJ – I watch a lot of football, and it’s very hard for me to trust Phillip Rivers.

Time to Power Rank ‘em and Power Spank ‘em!

Rank
(Previous)
TeamRecordComments
1
(4)
Cincinnati Bengals3-0They're as hot as that fiery ginger they have behind center.
2
(5)
Arizona Cardinals3-0You're one Drew Stanton hit away from being in serious trouble.
Wait...what?
3
(1)
Philadelphia Eagles3-0Whah! We practice too hard!
Quit your whining. You start games like shit.
4
(2)
Denver Broncos2-1You need to work on your coin toss.
5
(7)
Seattle Seahawks2-1Winning at home doesn't seem as automatic as it once did.
6
(9)
Baltimore Ravens2-1You need to put a muzzle on your owner.
7
(13)
San Diego Chargers2-1Lennay Kekua assured me you deserve this ranking.
8
(3)
New England Patriots2-1Red zone? More like dead zone.
AMIRITE?!
9
(11)
Chicago Bears2-1They've stumbled on an ingenious way to get around their safety problem!
10
(14)
Atlanta Falcons2-1I see you found that can of Whoop ass you've been looking for.
11
(10)
Houston Texans2-1It makes it very hard to take you seriously, when you get your ass handed to you by the Giants. You get a one week free pass.
12
(16)
Detroit Lions2-1Tulloch be a dancing fool.
13
(6)
Buffalo Bills2-1You're really not supposed to let a team from out West take the early game.
Just sayin'.
14
(8)
Carolina Panthers2-1Anybody know where I can get some men's capri pants?
15
(18)
Pittsburgh Steelers2-1Nothing could be finer than beatin' Carolina!
16
(29)
Dallas Cowboys2-1Once Romo figures out which team to throw to, he's dangerous.
17
(15)
San Francisco 49ers1-2Currently screening all calls from the University of Michigan.
18
(17)
New York Jets1-2Geno Smith is developing nicely.
- Mel Tucker
19
(12)
Green Bay Packers1-2Remember when you use to dominate the NFC North?
Good times.
20
(21)
Cleveland Browns1-2What can I say, I like the way they lose.
21
(24)
New Orleans Saints1-2Weeeeeeeee! A win!
22
(20)
Minnesota Vikings1-2Did Cassel just lose his job to an injury?
23
(23)
Indianapolis Colts1-2Easy, Tiger. It was just the Jaguars.
24
(30)
Kansas City Chiefs1-2The department of corrections has taken you off their required viewing list.
25
(22)
Tennessee Titans1-2It's not good when the first thing that comes to my mind is an off the field incident of a former player.
26
(25)
Washington Redskins1-2Looks like the Eagles broke the peace treaty.
27
(26)
St Louis Rams1-2I don't believe you could have made that game any more painful for your fans.
28
(19)
Miami Dolphins1-2Oakland should help stop your slide.
29
(31)
New York Giants1-2You'll move up when I say you move up!
30
(28)
Jacksonville Jaguars0-3Upon further review, we've decided to throw our rookie quarterback to the wolves.
31
(27)
Tampa Bay Bucaneers0-3Thursday night football starts at 8:30, not 11:00.
32
(32)
Oakland Raiders0-3Your failure to go after any of the players with legal issues, disappoints me.