Proctologistics
Well boys and girls, week three is in the books? Can we please stop overreacting now and read these Power Rankings in a calm, thoughtful manner?
I’m just kidding. I’m not here to take away any of our god-given rights as football fans.
Now, it’s no secret that I like big women. I guess this is why it was nice to see those girls from Dallas grab a win on the road. It might also explain the soreness in my lower back, after my wild weekend with Heffy McKankle, at the motel 6 in San Antonio. That girl is a biscuit away from three fifty, but you toss a saddle on her back, and she moves like Shady McCoy! Woo boy!
But, I digress. Week 3 is still a bit early to set the playoff standings, but there are a few teams trying to create some separation. This can be a good thing, or…you know, you could be the Jaguars.
Who’s Hot
Arizona, Philadelphia, and Cincinnati all stand atop the standings at 3-0.
Who’s Not
Tampa, Oakland, and Jacksonville are bring up the rear, at 0-3.
You Said It
Cd4packers – OMG!!! you have the Bears ahead of the Packers!!! GDI!!!
JJ – Yup, and it looks like they just might stay there.
Chocolate Honey O’s – Wait wait wait… how do the Chargers beat the Hawks and then are lower than the Bears AND Packers?
JJ – I watch a lot of football, and it’s very hard for me to trust Phillip Rivers.
Time to Power Rank ‘em and Power Spank ‘em!
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (4) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-0 | They're as hot as that fiery ginger they have behind center. |
| 2 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 3-0 | You're one Drew Stanton hit away from being in serious trouble. Wait...what? |
| 3 (1) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-0 | Whah! We practice too hard! Quit your whining. You start games like shit. |
| 4 (2) | Denver Broncos | 2-1 | You need to work on your coin toss. |
| 5 (7) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-1 | Winning at home doesn't seem as automatic as it once did. |
| 6 (9) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-1 | You need to put a muzzle on your owner. |
| 7 (13) | San Diego Chargers | 2-1 | Lennay Kekua assured me you deserve this ranking. |
| 8 (3) | New England Patriots | 2-1 | Red zone? More like dead zone. AMIRITE?! |
| 9 (11) | Chicago Bears | 2-1 | They've stumbled on an ingenious way to get around their safety problem! |
| 10 (14) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-1 | I see you found that can of Whoop ass you've been looking for. |
| 11 (10) | Houston Texans | 2-1 | It makes it very hard to take you seriously, when you get your ass handed to you by the Giants. You get a one week free pass. |
| 12 (16) | Detroit Lions | 2-1 | Tulloch be a dancing fool. |
| 13 (6) | Buffalo Bills | 2-1 | You're really not supposed to let a team from out West take the early game. Just sayin'. |
| 14 (8) | Carolina Panthers | 2-1 | Anybody know where I can get some men's capri pants? |
| 15 (18) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-1 | Nothing could be finer than beatin' Carolina! |
| 16 (29) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-1 | Once Romo figures out which team to throw to, he's dangerous. |
| 17 (15) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-2 | Currently screening all calls from the University of Michigan. |
| 18 (17) | New York Jets | 1-2 | Geno Smith is developing nicely. - Mel Tucker |
| 19 (12) | Green Bay Packers | 1-2 | Remember when you use to dominate the NFC North? Good times. |
| 20 (21) | Cleveland Browns | 1-2 | What can I say, I like the way they lose. |
| 21 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 1-2 | Weeeeeeeee! A win! |
| 22 (20) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-2 | Did Cassel just lose his job to an injury? |
| 23 (23) | Indianapolis Colts | 1-2 | Easy, Tiger. It was just the Jaguars. |
| 24 (30) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-2 | The department of corrections has taken you off their required viewing list. |
| 25 (22) | Tennessee Titans | 1-2 | It's not good when the first thing that comes to my mind is an off the field incident of a former player. |
| 26 (25) | Washington Redskins | 1-2 | Looks like the Eagles broke the peace treaty. |
| 27 (26) | St Louis Rams | 1-2 | I don't believe you could have made that game any more painful for your fans. |
| 28 (19) | Miami Dolphins | 1-2 | Oakland should help stop your slide. |
| 29 (31) | New York Giants | 1-2 | You'll move up when I say you move up! |
| 30 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-3 | Upon further review, we've decided to throw our rookie quarterback to the wolves. |
| 31 (27) | Tampa Bay Bucaneers | 0-3 | Thursday night football starts at 8:30, not 11:00. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-3 | Your failure to go after any of the players with legal issues, disappoints me. |