I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
Well boys and girls, week three is in the books? Can we please stop overreacting now and read these Power Rankings in a calm, thoughtful manner?
I’m just kidding. I’m not here to take away any of our god-given rights as football fans.
Now, it’s no secret that I like big women. I guess this is why it was nice to see those girls from Dallas grab a win on the road. It might also explain the soreness in my lower back, after my wild weekend with Heffy McKankle, at the motel 6 in San Antonio. That girl is a biscuit away from three fifty, but you toss a saddle on her back, and she moves like Shady McCoy! Woo boy!
But, I digress. Week 3 is still a bit early to set the playoff standings, but there are a few teams trying to create some separation. This can be a good thing, or…you know, you could be the Jaguars.
Who’s Hot
Arizona, Philadelphia, and Cincinnati all stand atop the standings at 3-0.
Who’s Not
Tampa, Oakland, and Jacksonville are bring up the rear, at 0-3.
You Said It
Cd4packers – OMG!!! you have the Bears ahead of the Packers!!! GDI!!!
JJ – Yup, and it looks like they just might stay there.
Chocolate Honey O’s – Wait wait wait… how do the Chargers beat the Hawks and then are lower than the Bears AND Packers?
JJ – I watch a lot of football, and it’s very hard for me to trust Phillip Rivers.
Time to Power Rank ‘em and Power Spank ‘em!
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (4) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-0 | They're as hot as that fiery ginger they have behind center. |
| 2 (5) | Arizona Cardinals | 3-0 | You're one Drew Stanton hit away from being in serious trouble. Wait...what? |
| 3 (1) | Philadelphia Eagles | 3-0 | Whah! We practice too hard! Quit your whining. You start games like shit. |
| 4 (2) | Denver Broncos | 2-1 | You need to work on your coin toss. |
| 5 (7) | Seattle Seahawks | 2-1 | Winning at home doesn't seem as automatic as it once did. |
| 6 (9) | Baltimore Ravens | 2-1 | You need to put a muzzle on your owner. |
| 7 (13) | San Diego Chargers | 2-1 | Lennay Kekua assured me you deserve this ranking. |
| 8 (3) | New England Patriots | 2-1 | Red zone? More like dead zone. AMIRITE?! |
| 9 (11) | Chicago Bears | 2-1 | They've stumbled on an ingenious way to get around their safety problem! |
| 10 (14) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-1 | I see you found that can of Whoop ass you've been looking for. |
| 11 (10) | Houston Texans | 2-1 | It makes it very hard to take you seriously, when you get your ass handed to you by the Giants. You get a one week free pass. |
| 12 (16) | Detroit Lions | 2-1 | Tulloch be a dancing fool. |
| 13 (6) | Buffalo Bills | 2-1 | You're really not supposed to let a team from out West take the early game. Just sayin'. |
| 14 (8) | Carolina Panthers | 2-1 | Anybody know where I can get some men's capri pants? |
| 15 (18) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 2-1 | Nothing could be finer than beatin' Carolina! |
| 16 (29) | Dallas Cowboys | 2-1 | Once Romo figures out which team to throw to, he's dangerous. |
| 17 (15) | San Francisco 49ers | 1-2 | Currently screening all calls from the University of Michigan. |
| 18 (17) | New York Jets | 1-2 | Geno Smith is developing nicely. - Mel Tucker |
| 19 (12) | Green Bay Packers | 1-2 | Remember when you use to dominate the NFC North? Good times. |
| 20 (21) | Cleveland Browns | 1-2 | What can I say, I like the way they lose. |
| 21 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 1-2 | Weeeeeeeee! A win! |
| 22 (20) | Minnesota Vikings | 1-2 | Did Cassel just lose his job to an injury? |
| 23 (23) | Indianapolis Colts | 1-2 | Easy, Tiger. It was just the Jaguars. |
| 24 (30) | Kansas City Chiefs | 1-2 | The department of corrections has taken you off their required viewing list. |
| 25 (22) | Tennessee Titans | 1-2 | It's not good when the first thing that comes to my mind is an off the field incident of a former player. |
| 26 (25) | Washington Redskins | 1-2 | Looks like the Eagles broke the peace treaty. |
| 27 (26) | St Louis Rams | 1-2 | I don't believe you could have made that game any more painful for your fans. |
| 28 (19) | Miami Dolphins | 1-2 | Oakland should help stop your slide. |
| 29 (31) | New York Giants | 1-2 | You'll move up when I say you move up! |
| 30 (28) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-3 | Upon further review, we've decided to throw our rookie quarterback to the wolves. |
| 31 (27) | Tampa Bay Bucaneers | 0-3 | Thursday night football starts at 8:30, not 11:00. |
| 32 (32) | Oakland Raiders | 0-3 | Your failure to go after any of the players with legal issues, disappoints me. |