I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
First of all, I would like to thank Andy Froehle, for stepping up in my absence. Secondly, I would like to apologize to my loyal followers, for turning over my precious jewel to a non-qualified, overreacting, pompous, self righteous, son of a bitch.
My first order of business, will be to put the Bills and Ravens back in the proper spot in the pecking order. Da fuq was Andy thinking?
I don’t know about you, but the NFL season is crazy. It’s like going through my closet and trying to choose between the fleshlight, and a blowup doll. Then you have to decide whether to grab one of your magazines, or peek at old Mrs. McGillicuddy through the high powered telescope. And after all of that, the end result is, all too often, disappointing.
Ah well, there is always next week.
Who’s Hot
The Dallas Cowboys. I just threw up a ‘lil.
Who’s Not
In an effort to avoid the obvious, I’m going to go with the Green Bay Packers. Those idiots lost the lead TWICE, and then had to rely on a miracle from Aaron Rodgers to win the game.
You Said It
LKP – Thinking about Schwartz getting carried off still pisses me off.
JJ – It gives me great joy to remind you of this.
MKE – Holy overreaction on the Bills, Batman!
JJ – Giants shouldn’t be allowed to do power rankings.
Time to Rank ’em and Spank ’em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Denver Broncos | 4-1 | These rankings are top heavy with QBs who like to choke in crunch time. |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 4-1 | Even a rusty Palmer (Not to be confused with a Rusty Palmer) is an improvement. |
| 3 (3) | San Diego Chargers | 5-1 | Philip Rivers is the GOAT early in the season, before anything is on the line, prior to the elimination rounds... |
| 4 (6) | Dallas Cowboys | 5-1 | I guess it's time I show Jerry Jones and his red headed sock puppet some respect. |
| 5 (7) | Philadelphia Eagles | 5-1 | I'm tempted to drop you for having a classless fan base. |
| 6 (5) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-1-1 | Remind your kicker he has one job, but not too harshly. They are sensitive little pricks. |
| 7 (8) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-2 | Looks like Colin woke up from his Kaepernap. |
| 8 (14) | Baltimore Ravens | 4-2 | Flacco is definitely elite... against the Bucs. |
| 9 (16) | Indianapolis Colts | 4-2 | You looked like you were on speed in the first quarter, and crack the rest of the game. |
| 10 (10) | Detroit Lions | 4-2 | Your offense has a high ankle sprain. |
| 11 (11) | Green Bay Packers | 4-2 | Let's all say it together: "THANK YOU AARON!" |
| 12 (15) | New England Patriots | 4-2 | It appears the rumors of your demise have been greatly exaggerated. |
| 13 (4) | Seattle Seahawks | 3-2 | Blame it on the 12th man. |
| 14 (17) | Carolina Panthers | 3-2-1 | Congratulations, the NFL still allows ties. You may now kiss your sister. |
| 15 (9) | Houston Texans | 3-3 | J J Watt is really good. The rest of your team is poop. |
| 16 (18 | Chicago Bears | 3-3 | Bears new motto: We're schizophrenic, and we are too! |
| 17 (20) | Cleveland Browns | 3-2 | 4H - Health, Heart, Hoyer, and Herpes. |
| 18 (12) | Buffalo Bills | 3-3 | Who in the hell moved you up in the rankings last week? |
| 19 (19) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 3-3 | Old and sucky is no way to go through life, son. |
| 20 (21) | Miami Dolphins | 2-3 | YOU HAD THEM, AND YOU LET THEM OFF THE HOOK! |
| 21 (13) | New York Giants | 3-3 | At least now, you can play the injury card. |
| 22 (23) | Kansas City Chiefs | 2-3 | You get a bye and lose ground to your division. Makes sense. |
| 23 (24) | New Orleans Saints | 2-3 | The bye week was kind to you. |
| 24 (22) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-4 | This weeks point of emphasis will be CATCHING THE FREAKIN' BALL! |
| 25 (28) | Tennessee Titans | 2-4 | Something doesn't feel right about moving you up three spots, for beating the Jaguars by two points. |
| 26 (25) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-4 | WE'RE A GOOD TEAM! It's the rookie QBs fault. |
| 27 (26) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-5 | Betcha Lovie is wishing he drafted a couple defensive players. |
| 28 (27) | Saint Louis Rams | 1-4 | What in the hell happened to your defensive line? |
| 29 (29) | Washington Redskins | 1-5 | On the bright side, you were one point from leading the game in the first half. |
| 30 (30) | New York Jets | 1-5 | Geno Vick=Michael Smith Same difference. |
| 31 (31) | Oakland Raiders | 0-5 | Great job putting up 28 points in a losing effort. |
| 32 (32) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 0-6 | Your suckage factor is off the charts. |