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Can't Miss Slants

FYS Week 7 NFL Power Rankings

PROCTOLOGISTICS

Yippy Kayay, Motherfuckers! Time to blow this shit up.

I be the first to admit, my week 6 rankings sucked peen. However, I’m not the only one who failed to see the impending collapse of the Broncos and Falcons, and while I did predict season ending hemorrhoids for Aaron Rodgers, I assumed it would happen after they had the game in hand against the ViQueens.

Anyhoo…This week I get to take my mulligan. It’s time to tear this shit up and come correct with my rankings.

Before I get started, however, I need to take a moment to bitch slap one of my most loyal followers and closest friends.

Donny33 – The idea of upside is that it isn’t a given. But their physical attributes allow for a higher ceiling. That’s what upside is.

MIB – Sorry, dickbreath. You’re wrong.

Nobody is arguing that Hundley is more physically gifted than Matt Flynn. My argument is simply that physical gifts do not equate to “upside” when you are talking about the quarterback position.

Using your argument, Brett Hundley, 6′ 3″, 226lbs, 4.63 40 yard dash, and 36″ vertical leap has a higher “upside” than Matt Flynn, 6′ 2″, 225lbs, 4.79 40 yard dash, and 28″ vertical leap.

Had you said, Brett Hundley is more physically gifted than Matt Flynn, I might have agreed with you and said something like, “No shit, Sherlock.”

My argument is simply this, the upside at the quarterback position can not be measured solely on physical attributes. In fact, I would argue that it is the intangibles (football IQ, awareness, decision making, etc.) that determine a QBs upside.

Based solely on your week ass argument, Brett Hundley has a higher upside than Aaron Rodgers, 6′ 2″, 225lbs, 4.75 40 yard dash, and 34.5″ vertical leap.

If you truly believe that Brett Hundley has a higher upside than Aaron Rodgers, then..I guess you won.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY (October 25)

1861- Keel of the Monitor laid. The keel of the Monitor was only laid once, unlike your mother.

1854 – Charge of the light Brigade.

I
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

II
“Forward, the Light Brigade!”
Was there a man dismayed?
Not though the soldier knew
Someone had blundered.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

III
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volleyed and thundered;
Stormed at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of hell
Rode the six hundred.

IV
Flashed all their sabres bare,
Flashed as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wondered.
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right through the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reeled from the sabre stroke
Shattered and sundered.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

V
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volleyed and thundered;
Stormed at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell.
They that had fought so well
Came through the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

VI
When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred!

– Alfred, Lord Tennyson

1881 – Pablo Picasso was born. Know mostly for is cubism and surrealism, it would be almost 130 years before is influence blessed us with the Rajitar.

WHO’S HOT

The Philadelphia Eagles. Winners of 5 straight games. Their only loss coming in week 2 to the Kansas City Chiefs on the road.

WHO’S NOT

Donny33, although is arguments do have more upside than TheHairy, Koosh, and BWC.

YOU SAID IT

Sgunderson17 – MIB, your predictions were so, so bad

MIB – Listen here, cock munch. I admitted I fucked up.

thatsalottapotatoes – Omg, mib, the Lions lost.

MIB – Brilliant observation! I’ll see that it gets reflected in this weeks rankings.

IT’S TIME TO RANK ‘EM AND SPANK ‘EM

Rank
StreakTeamRecordComments
1W5Philadelphia Eagles6-1Carson Wentz is all like, "Why don't y'all suck on deez nuts?"
2W2Pittsburgh Steelers5-2When your QB is broke and your franchise is dysfunctional, it's time to go back to "ground and pound".
3W3Minnesota Vikings5-2Dirty D, done dirt cheap!
4W3New England Patriots5-2Coaching can't explain this. Belichick must ram soldering irons up their bungholes if they don't perform to his standards.
5W2Los Angles Rams5-2"The Rams! Are you fucking crazy?!"

Maybe...
6L2Kansas City Chiefs5-2"How can they still be at 6 after two straight losses?"

Because, fuck you. That's how.
7W4New Orleans Saints4-2I feel really squeemish putting you this high, andI'm going to look like an ass when the Bears beat you on Sunday, but it's hard to argue with 4 straight wins.
8W3Miami Dolphins4-24-2 and now Cutler is out. You may have stumbled into something good here.
9W1Buffalo Bills4-2You are some consistently inconsistent fucks.
10W3Seattle Seahawks4-2Like a bad odor, this team refuses to go away.
11W2Tennessee Titans4-3For a team that no one really gives a crap about, I expect putting you at #11 should stir up some shit.
12W1Jacksonville Jaguars4-3If Bortles can continue to play out his ass, you have the defense to win your division.
13L1Washington Redskins3-3It's a good thing you only face the Eagles twice.
14Bye
W1
Houston Texans3-3Rodgers is out, the broncos, Falcons and Lions look lost, the Panthers just lost to the Bears, and I hate the fucking Cowboys. I guess that makes you the next best 3 loss team.
15W1Dallas Cowboys3-3I hate you with all of my heart, and I hope you lose more and I can drop you in my rankings, and say terrible things about your city, your coach, your players, their wives, your fans, their dogs....
16W3Los Angles Chargers3-4Another team I feel icky about ranking so high.
17W2Chicago Bears3-4DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!
(and sometimes just games when you have no offense)
18W1Oakland Raiders3-4Bonus points for getting your starting QB back when they're dropping like flies around the league.
19L2Carolina Panthers4-3Bitch all you want. You just lost to the Bears who scored a grand total of 3 offensive points. Their QB only threw the ball 7 times and completed 4 passes, for Christ's sake!
20L2Green Bay Packers4-3Hang in there. Brett Hundley has a ton of upside.
21L2Denver Broncos3-3So far, the skid mark you're leaving is eclipsed only by the Falcons.
22Bye
L2
Detroit Lions3-322 seems like a good spot for you to wallow in your mediocrity.
23L3Atlanta Falcons3-3This is kind of like:
Woo Hoo! 28-3!
Oh fuck!
24L2New York jets3-4Here's the deal, your signature win is like...Jaguars? Dolphins?
Whatever, you #24 this week.
25L2Baltimore Ravens3-4This is where it gets tough. 26-30 is just luck of the draw. I guess putting up a fight against the Vikings counts for something though.
26L1Arizona Cardinals3-4Don't try and pull a Packers. You sucked before your QB went down.
27L1Cincinnati Bengals2-4You blow, and I feel bad having you ranked ahead of Tampa, and possibly even the Colts.
28L3Tampa Bay Bucanneers2-4I don't know. tough loss to Buffalo. You may be the best 4 loss team. It's just hard for me to give a shit at this point.
29L2Indianapolis Colts2-5I predict that wen Andrew Luck comes back, you'll still suck balls.
30L1New York Giants1-6As it stands, you'll be picking 3rd in next years draft.
PS - You're a big part of the reason the Broncos dove in the rankings.
31L7San Francisco 49ers0-7See you back at 32 next week.
32L7Cleveland Browns0-7Your week at the bottom.