I'm just an average Joe. I live in a shoe box in my parents driveway with two dead hookers. I sprinkle cocaine on my cereal, because coffee just doesn't do it for me. Most days I have mild to moderate diarrhea, and all of my erections last more than four hours.
Proctologistics
We are now 7 weeks into the NFL season. It makes sense that we should have a few things figured out, right?
Not so fast. It turns out; the NFL is no easier to figure out than a woman.
Cleveland and Cincinnati are like a frustrating prom date. They get all pretty, get liquored up, and at the crucial moment, they decide they’re not going to put out.
The Saints seemingly have the game in hand. All they have to do is run out the clock, and they go home with a nice road victory. Instead, Brees goes full bitch-mode, and throws an interception. The fans are left feeling like they came home to find all their clothes on the front lawn.
Just when it looks like the Vikings may pull off a win, Kyle Orton comes running out of the retirement home like a cranky old grandmother, and beats them with her purse.
So what do we know after 7 weeks? We know there are 10 weeks left, and we can expect the unexpected.
Who’s Hot
This week, I have to give it up to the Denver Broncos and the Indianapolis Colts. Both teams came out and curb stomped what most consider quality opponents.
Who’s Not
My beloved Chicago Bears. Somehow they managed to make Ryan Tannehill look like a hybrid of RGIII and Peyton Manning.
You Said It
AndrewLet – just when i thought Andy was the worst power ranker in the history of power rankings. John pulls this and completely knocks him out of the top spot.
Childerz – Just when I thought the Power rankings couldn’t get any worse.. THEY TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!
JJ – Would you please make up your minds?!
bp – Both the Raiders and Jags have a pretty legit shot to go 0-16.
JJ – I consider this an insult to the effort it took the 2008 Lions to thoroughly screw the pooch.
Time to Rank ‘em and Spank ‘em
| Rank (Previous) | Team | Record | Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 (1) | Denver Broncos | 5-1 | Manning broke Brett Favre's all-time record of 508 touchdowns. If he's willing to send 2 dick pics to Erin Andrews, he can snag another of Favre's records. |
| 2 (2) | Arizona Cardinals | 5-1 | I picked you to win the West! Just kidding, nobody did. Keep up the good work. |
| 3 (4) | Dallas Cowboys | 6-1 | I can't wait for you to run DeMarco Murray into the ground and fall off the edge of the cliff. |
| 4 (9) | Indianapolis Colts | 5-2 | It's hard to find anything bad to say, with the whooping you laid on Cincinnati, so I'll just tell you that your Mothers, wives, sisters, and dogs are butt ugly. |
| 5 (5) | Philadelphia Eagles | 5-1 | It sucks to have a bye and drop a half a game in the division. |
| 6 (8) | Baltimore Ravens | 5-2 | The Falcons have a way of making teams feel good about themselves. |
| 7 (11) | Green Bay Packers | 5-2 | Rodgers shoved a Cobb up Carolina's ass. |
| 8 (3) | San Diego Chargers | 5-2 | It must have been a treat for your fans to watch Alex Smith kneel down to win the game on your home field. |
| 9 (10) | Detroit Lions | 5-2 | Thank god for the NFC South. |
| 10 (12) | New England Patriots | 5-2 | Belichick new that going toe-to-toe with the Jets would kick in Ryan's foot fetish and break his concentration. |
| 11 (6) | Cincinnati Bengals | 3-2-1 | All year I prop you up in the rankings, and you repay me by getting your asses whipped like a bunch of girl scouts. I should know better than to trust a ginger. |
| 12 (7) | San Francisco 49ers | 4-3 | Your intimidation factor just took a huge hit. |
| 13 (18) | Buffalo Bills | 4-3 | Think of the career Kyle Orton could have had, if he had just shaved years ago. |
| 14 (20) | Miami Dolphins | 3-3 | Lucky for you, you got Chicago at Soldier Field. |
| 15 (22) | Kansas City Chiefs | 3-3 | I'm still trying to wrap my brain around Alex Smith orchestrating a successful two minute drive. |
| 16 (19) | Pittsburgh Steelers | 4-3 | 24 points in three minutes makes it the most productive 3 minutes since my wife conceived our first son. |
| 17 (13) | Seattle Seahawks | 3-3 | You seem hell bent on letting the rest of the league know that you can be beat. |
| 18 (14) | Carolina Panthers | 3-3-1 | A little defense goes a long way. You might want to try it. |
| 19 (15) | Houston Texans | 3-4 | Maybe you could try a trick play, where Fitzpatrick hides the ball in his mustache. |
| 20 (16) | Chicago Bears | 3-4 | Your ball security is more like ball suck-urity. |
| 21 (17) | Cleveland Browns | 3-3 | Somebody had to lose to the Jaguars, but did you have to do it so convincingly? |
| 22 (21) | New York Giants | 3-4 | You're a flaccid, festering phallus. |
| 23 (28) | Saint Louis Rams | 2-4 | So you're paying 17.6 million for Sam Bradford to stand on the sideline recovering from his millionth injury, and $570,000 for Austin Davis to win games in his absence. OK. The math checks out. |
| 24 (23) | New Orleans Saints | 2-4 | Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. |
| 25 (24) | Atlanta Falcons | 2-5 | You look more like poop every week. |
| 26 (29) | Washington Redskins | 2-5 | I would love to see Colt McCoy in a triumphant return to Texas. |
| 27 (27) | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | 1-5 | By not losing the Bye, you maintain the 27th spot. |
| 28 (25) | Tennessee Titans | 2-5 | Colt McCoy would like to thank you for giving him the opportunity to start a game in the NFL. |
| 29 (26) | Minnesota Vikings | 2-5 | What a heartbreaking loss, but then again, Kyle Orton will do that to you. |
| 30 (30) | New York Jets | 1-6 | Perhaps you feel you should be rewarded for putting up such a good fight on the road. Tough shit. |
| 31 (32) | Jacksonville Jaguars | 1-6 | You've already exceeded my expectations. Good job! |
| 32 (31) | Oakland Raiders. | 0-6 | You now officially suck more than every other team. |